Winston: I'm losing my mind, guys. You know, I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

Winston: Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we want to win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."
Girl: What's "Eye of the Tiger"?
Winston: "Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.
Jess: That's not even a little bit true.

Schmidt: I will not apologize again for the Midori Sours!
Nick: Who drinks Midori Sours?!
Schmidt: Everyone drinks Midori Sours!
Nick: No, they don't!
Schmidt: It's a melon liqueur!
Nick: I would never drink one!
Schmidt: It's an American classic with Asian influences!
Nick: Winston would never drink one!

Nick: What are you doing?
Schmidt: [sniffs] Lotusberry Relax. Lotusberry Relax. I can smell it on you right now!
Nick: Fine! Stop smelling my hair!
Schmidt: You know how much that stuff costs?
Nick: Okay, Schmidt, I didn't use your conditioner.
Schmidt: Why does your hair look so baby soft?!
Nick: Fine, Schmidt! I ran out of shampoo and I used your conditioner. We're talking about conditioner, right?
Schmidt: You used it as shampoo?! It's for moisture, Nick, not for cleaning! I can't believe we're friends. Give me it back, man.
Nick: Give you what back?
Schmidt: Give me it back.
Nick: Think about what you're doing right now.
Schmidt: I'm squeezing it out of your hair.

Schmidt: If only there were some sort of pipe and... and water expert that we could hire to come and fix this problem.
Nick: Yeah, I can't afford a plumber.
Schmidt: A plumber! That's what it's called!
Nick: You really want to do this? You want to have this fight with me? You want to go down this path, Schmidt?
Schmidt: I don't know, is this a path that you recently fixed?
Nick: It's called self-reliance. 'Cause unlike you, Schmidt, I don't just throw my money at problems.
Schmidt: All I'm hearing is that I can't use my bathroom because you're poor. Look, it's your lucky day, buddy. I'm gonna pay for the plumber.
Nick: No, Schmidt, I don't want your charity.
Schmidt: Well, you seem very happy using my emergency tools.
Nick: Oh, yeah? Do you even know what this is?
Schmidt: Doy, it's a scissor.
Nick: Yeah, that's exactly right. [throws it in the toilet] A scissor. Really, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Yeah, a scissors that you just threw in the turdlet.

Schmidt: Mmm. You know you want in on this, man. A little fatty toon... little yellow T... Cali roll. Samurai snack. So scrummy.
Nick: I'm good with this. Looks like you're soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.
Schmidt: 'Cause I got the means, player. Look, I get why you don't want to get down there. But, Winston, you got to climb aboard, man. You got a serious J-O-B now.

Schmidt: Okay, Nick, repeat after me: I am not the Chinese kid from Goonies.
Nick: You know, I fix things just to the point of working, Schmidt. If you want a fancy-fix, just say so.

Winston: Believe it or not, Jess, I have never played handbells before. I just pick things up easy, that's all.
Jess: I know handbells aren't the coolest instrument in the world, they might not even be the fifth coolest, but the kids would love it, it would really mean a lot to them, and if they saw how good you are, I think they'd really get into it and maybe try a little bit harder. Also, there's, like, a lot of potentially cool, like, bell shorthand we could use to talk about... [whispers] Nick... while he's right there we'll be, like... "Nick's such a tinkle!" "I think he's more like a tonkel." Tinkle and tonkel are potential bell talk we could use.
Winston: I get it. Just be cool, please.

Jess: So, tonight at rehearsal, keep an eye out for Hector. I'm having trouble getting him to interact. He really wants to play the drums, so I told him bells were the next best thing, which was a lie, so I couldn't keep a straight face while I was saying it. He saw right through me.

Nick: Hey, my name's Schmidt. I was born rich. I had a $40,000 Bar Mitzvah.
Schmidt: Okay. How long you do the petty act for, man, huh? A week? A month? Is this "my favorite bedspread" all over again?
Nick: That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me that you spilled a pitcher of Midori Sours on, and now you bring it up like it's nothing?
Schmidt: I left you a check for $30 on your pillow. Your nanny gave you that thing for free, so as far as I'm concerned, you're up 30 bucks.
Nick: My nanny is dead! I'm not looking to make money off of her!