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‘Thanksgiving’ Quotes

New Girl: Thanksgiving

106. Thanksgiving

Aired November 15, 2011

Jess invites her colleague Paul (guest star Justin Long) to Thanksgiving dinner. Meanwhile, Schmidt's perfectionist side is on display as he agrees to cook dinner.

Quote from Jess

Nick: It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Nick: Great.
Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: [to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.
Nick: Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send, that's not a thing.
Schmidt: It's real, man. It's totally real.
Nick: It's not real. We're not calling it that.

Quote from Winston

Nick: What is that?
Jess: I went to five grocery stores, and I got the last turkey in America.
Nick: No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving, okay? We talked about this. We're just gonna watch football, drink beer and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday.
Winston: Or as I like to call it, "Friday."

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Here's a tip: Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in 14 hours. Here's another tip: don't ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, uh, Independence Day, obviously, Women's History Month and Christmas.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Hey, Schmidt? It's hour nine. I'm starving.
Schmidt: Well, I can blanch or I can talk, but I can't do both.

Quote from Paul

Jess: Welcome to our home.
Paul: Thank you. Hey.
Jess: [sings] It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey On this Thanksgiving Day-ay-ay.
Paul: My belly's wanting something A pie made out of pumpkin In every gobble-gobble way-ay-ay. [both snicker; talks] I didn't know you were going back to back. Happy Thanksgiving.
Nick: Oh, my God, there's two of them.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?
Jess: Yes, I did. I asked someone out.
Nick: Asked someone out?
Schmidt: Jess, be honest ... is the turkey named Paul?
Jess: It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank ... Hanksgiving. And we are gonna eat him, so...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: But I want to let you know up front that I've got some control issues in the kitchen, so if I'm gonna do this, I'm cooking the whole meal. I don't want you touching anything. And I don't want to hear, "Schmidt, Schmidt, you're using too much tarragon," because I'm not.
Jess: You will never hear that from me.
Schmidt: I'm in.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I just need you not to do that thing that you do.
Nick: What thing? I don't do a thing.
Jess: Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face.
Nick: Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.
Jess: Just talk to him like a normal human being. Not about politics or small business loans or the Google conspiracy thing, okay?

Quote from Paul

Paul: Guy roommates. Three guys. It's intimidating. I gotta be honest, it's intimidating coming to that arena. It's hard to get to know people. It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Bet you're the bear who has the bed that's just right.
Winston: Hmm.
Paul: It's a teacher joke, sorry.
Winston: Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Paul. Um, just so I get to know you a little better and you can know me better. We're gonna play a little game.
Paul: Oh, great. Fun, yeah.
Winston: All right, I'm gonna say something, and you're gonna say the first thing that pops in your head.
Paul: Kazoo.
Winston: Okay, we haven't even started yet.
Paul: Okay. I'm gonna stick with kazoo.
Winston: Right, okay, um, "boundaries."
Paul: Important.
Winston: Okay, um, "other people's stuff."
Paul: Private.
Winston: Good. Uh, "loud early morning sex."
Paul: Nice work if you can get some. [toots kazoo]

Quote from Paul

Nick: Hey, Paul.
Paul: Hey, Nicholas.
Nick: What's going on, guys? Nicholas, wow.
Paul: Just two dudes playing word-association games, kicking back a couple of pumpkin ales.
Nick: I think that's a lager, right?
Paul: Mm-mm, this is an ale. It has to do with the fermentation process.
Nick: Could be, could be.

Quote from Paul

Nick: Uh, hey, do you want to watch football, the Lions?
Paul: Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions of Des Moines. They play every Thanksgiving, right, because they're the most ferocious of the teams.
Nick: Lions from Detroit. Detroit Lions.
Paul: That's another...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Anyone who tells you the future of gravy is nitrogen-based is cooking with blinders on, Cece. What is...? Are you...? Did you wash your hands?
Cece: I'll wash them after.
Schmidt: Okay, no. See, just, can you just stop? Because now the entire bowl of walnuts is compromised. [throws them out]
Cece: Wow. You're very sanitary. Do you wash your hands ten times a day?
Schmidt: Okay, look, don't worry, Cece. If I need to, I can get my hands dirty. I mean, I get dirty all over.
Cece: Would you eat this filthy walnut?
Schmidt: Yeah, I mean, I'd eat the... yeah.
Cece: Okay, open your mouth. Open your mouth, Schmidt.
Schmidt: No! [water runs] Beautiful savage.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That's right. I need long sustained mashes.
Cece: Oh, hey, you've got something on your nose right... [rubs mash on Schmidt's nose]
Schmidt: What?! What?! No! What is wrong with you? Look at this recipe. Look at the recipe. Where in this recipe does it say "put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose"? Look at it. No. Here? Here? Here? Go on, show me!

Quote from Nick

Paul: Nick... I gotta just say something to you. I feel like... you think I'm kind of annoying.
Nick: You didn't have to come here to say that. You could've done it from over there.
Paul: Okay. And if that's the case ... which I don't know that it is ...
Nick: It is.
Paul: I don't care. I actually feel sort of sorry for you, because at this point in your life I know that you'll never dislike me more than you dislike yourself.
Nick: Really? That's what you're going with, Violin?

Quote from Cece

Cece: Hey. Let's talk about what happened earlier. 'Cause you made me feel like I was a really bad girl.
Schmidt: I know I did, and... I'm really sorry, Cece. I'll never yell at you like that again.
Cece: [puts fingers in pudding mix] How about now?
Schmidt: Please... Please don't do that.
Cece: Got my dirty little hands in your pudding.
Schmidt: Can you... So gross... It's so gross, please... [Cece licks her finger] Oh, God.
Cece: Mmm...
Schmidt: [gags] So gross.
Cece: Yell.
Schmidt: I really... I'd really rather you not do that.
Cece: I haven't washed my hands since 3:00, and I'm gonna double-dip.
Schmidt: It's so gross...
Cece: [puts full hand in the mix] How about now?
Schmidt: It's all the way, it's all the way in there, with all the... it's so unsanitary. Please, just put it... I'm-I'm begging you to... Please just take the towel!

Quote from Paul

Jess: I'm so sorry, Paul.
Paul: [wearing a space blanket] Oh, it was so fun. I had a great time.


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