Nick: It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Nick: Great.
Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: [to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Schmidt: It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.
Nick: Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send, that's not a thing.
Schmidt: It's real, man. It's totally real.
Nick: It's not real. We're not calling it that.

Nick: What is that?
Jess: I went to five grocery stores, and I got the last turkey in America.
Nick: No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving, okay? We talked about this. We're just gonna watch football, drink beer and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday.
Winston: Or as I like to call it, "Friday."

Schmidt: Here's a tip: Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in 14 hours. Here's another tip: don't ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, uh, Independence Day, obviously, Women's History Month and Christmas.

Nick: Hey, Schmidt? It's hour nine. I'm starving.
Schmidt: Well, I can blanch or I can talk, but I can't do both.

Jess: Welcome to our home.
Paul: Thank you. Hey.
Jess: [sings] It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey On this Thanksgiving Day-ay-ay.
Paul: My belly's wanting something A pie made out of pumpkin In every gobble-gobble way-ay-ay. [both snicker; talks] I didn't know you were going back to back. Happy Thanksgiving.
Nick: Oh, my God, there's two of them.

Nick: Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?
Jess: Yes, I did. I asked someone out.
Nick: Asked someone out?
Schmidt: Jess, be honest ... is the turkey named Paul?
Jess: It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank ... Hanksgiving. And we are gonna eat him, so...

Schmidt: But I want to let you know up front that I've got some control issues in the kitchen, so if I'm gonna do this, I'm cooking the whole meal. I don't want you touching anything. And I don't want to hear, "Schmidt, Schmidt, you're using too much tarragon," because I'm not.
Jess: You will never hear that from me.
Schmidt: I'm in.

Jess: I just need you not to do that thing that you do.
Nick: What thing? I don't do a thing.
Jess: Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face.
Nick: Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.
Jess: Just talk to him like a normal human being. Not about politics or small business loans or the Google conspiracy thing, okay?

Paul: Guy roommates. Three guys. It's intimidating. I gotta be honest, it's intimidating coming to that arena. It's hard to get to know people. It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Bet you're the bear who has the bed that's just right.
Winston: Hmm.
Paul: It's a teacher joke, sorry.
Winston: Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Paul. Um, just so I get to know you a little better and you can know me better. We're gonna play a little game.
Paul: Oh, great. Fun, yeah.
Winston: All right, I'm gonna say something, and you're gonna say the first thing that pops in your head.
Paul: Kazoo.
Winston: Okay, we haven't even started yet.
Paul: Okay. I'm gonna stick with kazoo.
Winston: Right, okay, um, "boundaries."
Paul: Important.
Winston: Okay, um, "other people's stuff."
Paul: Private.
Winston: Good. Uh, "loud early morning sex."
Paul: Nice work if you can get some. [toots kazoo]