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‘Jeff Day’ Quotes

New Girl: Jeff Day

515. Jeff Day

Aired April 12, 2016

Jess pretends to be a man when emailing a car dealership so the misogynistic salesman will give her a good deal. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Cece are concerned by Winston's plan to bring his prank-loving girlfriend Rhonda to their wedding.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I had him right where I wanted him.
Jess: He's trying to bait and switch us, and you're gobbling it up like an old king with a turkey leg.
Nick: You're leaving money on the table. I can smell it. Watch. I'm gonna string him along, and then I'm going to get you a better deal. He thinks he's fishing for me. Nah, I'm fishing for him, but from the water.
Jess: You're in way over your head.
Nick: Right where a fish wants to be.

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Quote from Winston

Rhonda: I don't like to talk about it around new people, but we were homeless.
Cece: Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: I had no idea.
Rhonda: It was tough. We didn't have money for food, clothes, toys. My brother and I adopted a rat. I remember, we called the rat Singular Wireless. He was sweet. Until he ate my brother's pinkie toe clean off.
Schmidt: [quietly] What?
Rhonda: He bit it like a baby carrot. Just [snapping]. It woke me up.
Schmidt: That snap, that snap.
Rhonda: In the end, we laughed about it, 'cause what else can you do? Just Singular being Singular.
Schmidt: Gosh darn it.
Rhonda: [sighing] He ran away after a while... my brother, not the rat... he didn't get far, obviously, not with nine toes. Listen, it wasn't a great childhood, and I know that I come on strong, but I guess, if I can scare people with my pranks, then I know I'm not the only one who's scared.
Schmidt: What a cruel, terrible world we live in. I had no idea. I'm so, so, so, sorry. [Winston and Rhonda guffawing]
Winston: You're stupid, Schmidt. And you're-you're stupid, too, Cece.
Rhonda: Stupid.
Cece: Okay, wait, so the en... the en... the entire story is a lie?
Rhonda: Rhon. Da'd. Pow-pow.

Quote from Winston

Winston: How do you spell "boudoir"? I'm so far off, I'm not getting the auto-correct.
Nick: So which girl are you texting now, the coffin-maker?
Winston: Oh, you're thinking about Jamie. Nah, nah. She kinda disappeared into her busy season, so this is Rhonda.
Cece: Oh, is this the girl with the yogurt mouth?
Schmidt: That's Simi Valley Sue. Rhonda is Willem Dafoe's assistant.
Winston: No, she's n... Rhonda's the army reservist.
Nick: Boy, you are on such a tear with the ladies, Winston.
Winston: [whistles] Your boy cleanin' up. Not thinking about Aly. And Rhonda, you know, she's cool, man. I'm having the most fun with her. She really keeps me on my toes. And y'all know Winston love being on his toes.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm almost done with my "Jeff Day" e-mail to the dealer. I've constructed a very rich back story for him. Listen to this, listen to this.
Nick: Okay.
Jess: He wrote this while on break from his job, which is hanging telephone line. He should have a desk job by now, but the ground has always been trouble for him. Yeah, the poles are safer. And sometimes, at dusk, he can see his buddies from Desert Storm dancing in the static.
Sam: That's beautiful.
Nick: Yeah, it's okay. So you need a dude pass before you send it off, right?
Jess: No, I don't need a dude pass. No, no. Listen to this. My wife is on my nuts. I need two grand off the MSRP. Go, Clips.

Quote from Nick

Sam: Hey, Nick, if anyone's gonna give Jess a dude pass, it's gonna be me.
Nick: A dude pass. Not a pretty-boy pass. Not a "I make my money from my mind" pass. Not a "I look like the cute benchwarmer on an NBA team, "but I'm not good enough to play."
Jess: Are you done?
Sam: After I take my dude pass, why don't you take a short guy pass?
Nick: Why don't you take a snake voice pass?
Sam: Is it frustrating for you when you go to concerts and you can't see the stage 'cause you're so short?
Nick: It can be. It can be!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is what you want for our nuptials? Shenanigans? This is our wedding, Cece, not "Ernest Goes to Our Wedding." Can't we just revoke Winston's plus one?

Quote from Jess

Jess: "Mr. Day, I, too, love Sons of Anarchy. You drive a pretty hard bargain. I agree to your terms! You just have to sign the papers in person. I'm at the dealership for another hour." Ah, I did not think this through.

Quote from Jess

Nick: My point is... your car deal went south, and so you need Nick Miller to twist some nips for you, yeah?
Jess: Nope. The nips have already been twisted. All I need right now is someone to pretend to be Jeff Day. And I would ask Sam, but he's in a procedure all day. He's de-webbing some kid's toes. It sounds whimsical, but it's actually very serious.
Nick: Why would you go to him? He cannot close this deal for you, Jess.
Jess: The deal has already been closed. Right now, I just need, literally, any man. [chuckling] If I could wish a mannequin to life, I would.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, Jessica. You understand that fate fused that kid's toes together. And Dr. Sam is the man for that job, but I'm the man for this job. So if you excuse me, let me get my Julius Pepperwood disguise.
Jess: Wait, no, no, no. You don't understand. I just need you to pretend to be Jeff Day.
Nick: Well, I need some sort of disguise.
Jess: Absolutely not.
Nick: What about a mustache?
Jess: That's a disguise.
Nick: Not if I grow one.
Jess: We're in the car in ten minutes. You gonna grow a mustache in ten minutes?
Nick: No man could do that.
Jess: Scientifically impossible.
Nick: Hey, I guess science always wins, right? See ya in the car.

Quote from Nick

Jess: All right, now remember, Jeff Day is a lovable schnook, who makes sausage in his spare time. You work for the phone company, so you call the phones "units." All right, what's my back story?
Nick: Units, that's good. Uh, you're my wife. You spend all day making sausages, and clucking with the other hens on the kitchen unit.
Jess: No, no. I'm a disgraced ice-skating sensation. I got ex-communicated from the sport for protesting that nudie fabric. And then I broke my butt.
Nick: Right, and which toe is webbed?
Jess: Ugh, Nick, that's real life. Ugh. This is gonna be a disaster. Abort, abort.

Quote from Nick

Billy: Here's your water, and... take as many mouse pads as you want.
Nick: Quit stalling me.
Billy: Smart.
Nick: Tell me about the secret stash, Billy.
Billy: These vehicles are a lot bigger than what you were e-mailing about.
Nick: Well, a car can never be too big, and a pot can never be too sweet. [Jess mouths to Nick]
Billy: I hear ya, so I guess, don't waste your time with anything smaller than a two liter?
Nick: Two liter? I want a car, not a Mountain Dew. [all laughing]

Quote from Jess

Jess: [answers phone] Hey, I thought you were de-webbing.
Sam: Well, it took less time than I thought. Yeah, he only wanted his big toe free, so he could wear flip-flops. How's the new car?
Jess: Ugh! Don't make a thing out of it, but I had to ask Nick to be Jeff Day.
Sam: You asked Nick for help, not me?
Jess: Well, you were in surgery, and he was the only person I could find, but he's screwing it up so much that I really wish I'd "Reverse-Tootsie'd."
Sam: Of course he's screwing up. He's a little human porkchop. I'm on my way.
Jess: Wait, don't come. Don't come.
Sam: I could be Jeff Day. I just need to find a fake mustache.
Jess: What is it with you guys and mustaches?

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Let them explain. Please explain.
Rhonda: We've already explained it. A simple prank is a strong prank.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Schmidt: Okay. Let's just say... I don't know, I told you that I cut my pinkie finger off, and then I actually cut my pinkie finger off.
Rhonda: Mm.
Schmidt: Is that a prank?
Cece: Is that a prank?
Winston: Well, I would not see that coming.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Okay. Different direction. Let-let's say that I-I told you that I invested all of my money into boogie boards.
Rhonda: That's just a lie.
Schmidt: And then I took you to my accountant's office, and sitting behind the desk was just a little crab in sunglasses.
Winston: Hmm, still sounds like a lie.
Schmidt: And then my real accountant came out and showed you the books and, in fact, I had invested all of money in boogie boards.
Rhonda: That's definitely a prank.
Winston: Yeah, that would get me.
Rhonda: That's-that's a good one.
Winston: That's crazy, yeah.

Quote from Jess

Sam: Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Jeff Day.
Jess: My brother. Geoff with a "G."
Sam: Yeah, I came as soon as I could.
Jess: I don't know why. I explicitly told you not to.
Nick: Yeah, why don't you take a hike? No one needs you here. The reason she came to me first.
Jess: Sorry, Billy. There's a little bit of bad blood between my brother and my husband.
Sam: She may have come to you for help, but you're clearly not getting the job done, which is why she'll always come back for my help.
Nick: As soon as you get a helping of my help, you're never the same.
Jess: No one helps me better than I help myself.
Sam: I told you if you'd just guide me.
Jess: Let's not get into that now.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, you don't get it. The stuff between Sam and I is deep guy stuff. It's untalkable.
Sam: That's right. I punched him twice.
Nick: And I stole his girlfriend. We're talking about adultery and violence. That part of the male brain has not been civilized.
Jess: So you're just gonna feud forever?
Nick: I'll teach my sons to hate his sons and I expect the same from him.
Sam: You got it.
Nick: Thank you.

Quote from Jess

Jess: If you insist on hating each other, do it while I'm not around. The moment I walk in the room, I want some convincing dude on dude friendship stuff. I want high-fives. I want golf tips. When a hot waitress walks by, I want to see a real nudge-nudge. Hubba, hubba.
Billy: Keep your hands on the wheel!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Sleep with both eyes open, you idiot.
Sam: It's one eye, you idiot.
Nick: Cut your chance in half, you idiot.
Sam: Idiot.


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