Nick: I had him right where I wanted him.
Jess: He's trying to bait and switch us, and you're gobbling it up like an old king with a turkey leg.
Nick: You're leaving money on the table. I can smell it. Watch. I'm gonna string him along, and then I'm going to get you a better deal. He thinks he's fishing for me. Nah, I'm fishing for him, but from the water.
Jess: You're in way over your head.
Nick: Right where a fish wants to be.

Rhonda: I don't like to talk about it around new people, but we were homeless.
Cece: Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Schmidt: I had no idea.
Rhonda: It was tough. We didn't have money for food, clothes, toys. My brother and I adopted a rat. I remember, we called the rat Cingular Wireless. He was sweet. Until he ate my brother's pinkie toe clean off.
Schmidt: [quietly] What?
Rhonda: He bit it like a baby carrot. Just [snapping]. It woke me up.
Schmidt: That snap, that snap.
Rhonda: In the end, we laughed about it, 'cause what else can you do? Just Singular being Singular.
Schmidt: Gosh darn it.
Rhonda: [sighing] He ran away after a while... my brother, not the rat... he didn't get far, obviously, not with nine toes. Listen, it wasn't a great childhood, and I know that I come on strong, but I guess, if I can scare people with my pranks, then I know I'm not the only one who's scared.
Schmidt: What a cruel, terrible world we live in. I had no idea. I'm so, so, so, sorry. [Winston and Rhonda guffawing]
Winston: You're stupid, Schmidt. And you're-you're stupid, too, Cece.
Rhonda: Stupid.
Cece: Okay, wait, so the en... the en... the entire story is a lie?
Rhonda: Rhon. Da'd. Pow-pow.

Nick: Jess, you don't get it. The stuff between Sam and I is deep guy stuff. It's untalkable.
Sam: That's right. I punched him twice.
Nick: And I stole his girlfriend. We're talking about adultery and violence. That part of the male brain has not been civilized.
Jess: So you're just gonna feud forever?
Nick: I'll teach my sons to hate his sons and I expect the same from him.
Sam: You got it.
Nick: Thank you.

Winston: How do you spell "boudoir"? I'm so far off, I'm not getting the auto-correct.
Nick: So which girl are you texting now, the coffin-maker?
Winston: Oh, you're thinking about Jamie. Nah, nah. She kinda disappeared into her busy season, so this is Rhonda.
Cece: Oh, is this the girl with the yogurt mouth?
Schmidt: That's Simi Valley Sue. Rhonda is Willem Dafoe's assistant.
Winston: No, she's n... Rhonda's the army reservist.
Nick: Boy, you are on such a tear with the ladies, Winston.
Winston: [whistles] Your boy cleanin' up. Not thinking about Aly. And Rhonda, you know, she's cool, man. I'm having the most fun with her. She really keeps me on my toes. And y'all know Winston love being on his toes.

Jess: I'm almost done with my "Jeff Day" e-mail to the dealer. I've constructed a very rich back story for him. Listen to this, listen to this.
Nick: Okay.
Jess: He wrote this while on break from his job, which is hanging telephone line. He should have a desk job by now, but the ground has always been trouble for him. Yeah, the poles are safer. And sometimes, at dusk, he can see his buddies from Desert Storm dancing in the static.
Sam: That's beautiful.
Nick: Yeah, it's okay. So you need a dude pass before you send it off, right?
Jess: No, I don't need a dude pass. No, no. Listen to this. My wife is on my nuts. I need two grand off the MSRP. Go, Clips.

Sam: Hey, Nick, if anyone's gonna give Jess a dude pass, it's gonna be me.
Nick: A dude pass. Not a pretty-boy pass. Not a "I make my money from my mind" pass. Not a "I look like the cute benchwarmer on an NBA team, "but I'm not good enough to play."
Jess: Are you done?
Sam: After I take my dude pass, why don't you take a short guy pass?
Nick: Why don't you take a snake voice pass?
Sam: Is it frustrating for you when you go to concerts and you can't see the stage 'cause you're so short?
Nick: It can be. It can be!

Schmidt: This is what you want for our nuptials? Shenanigans? This is our wedding, Cece, not "Ernest Goes to Our Wedding." Can't we just revoke Winston's plus one?

Jess: "Mr. Day, I, too, love Sons of Anarchy. You drive a pretty hard bargain. I agree to your terms! You just have to sign the papers in person. I'm at the dealership for another hour." Ah, I did not think this through.

Nick: My point is... your car deal went south, and so you need Nick Miller to twist some nips for you, yeah?
Jess: Nope. The nips have already been twisted. All I need right now is someone to pretend to be Jeff Day. And I would ask Sam, but he's in a procedure all day. He's de-webbing some kid's toes. It sounds whimsical, but it's actually very serious.
Nick: Why would you go to him? He cannot close this deal for you, Jess.
Jess: The deal has already been closed. Right now, I just need, literally, any man. [chuckling] If I could wish a mannequin to life, I would.

Nick: Oh, Jessica. You understand that fate fused that kid's toes together. And Dr. Sam is the man for that job, but I'm the man for this job. So if you excuse me, let me get my Julius Pepperwood disguise.
Jess: Wait, no, no, no. You don't understand. I just need you to pretend to be Jeff Day.
Nick: Well, I need some sort of disguise.
Jess: Absolutely not.
Nick: What about a mustache?
Jess: That's a disguise.
Nick: Not if I grow one.
Jess: We're in the car in ten minutes. You gonna grow a mustache in ten minutes?
Nick: No man could do that.
Jess: Scientifically impossible.
Nick: Hey, I guess science always wins, right? See ya in the car.