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‘Big Mama P’ Quotes

New Girl: Big Mama P

501. Big Mama P

Aired January 5, 2016

After Schmidt and Cece pick Nick and Jess as their best man and maid of honor, Jess arranges a big engagement party and flies Cece's mother over from India. Meanwhile, Winston is fed up of being treated like a hero for saving a kid.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece has zero idea that you're flying her mother in for the engagement party tonight. She is... she is alarmingly in the dark. Maybe it's a cultural thing. You know, we saw the British coming. India did not.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: These rings are the first of a dozen accessories that are gonna unify the bridal party. As you can see from my preliminary vision board, our wedding will borrow equally from the holy trinity of Liz Taylor, Jackie O and The Power Gays.
Cece: Oh, I'm scared.
Winston: You should be.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh, she's gonna get hers.
Jess: No, no, Winston, no. What did you do? No pranks.
Schmidt: Such bad timing.
Winston: Hey, Mrs. Parikh. Check your shoe. [Winston snickers] Tickle foot! [laughs] I put a feather in your shoe! [laughing]
Jess: Too small, dude. Way too small.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Now, me, myself, I am Winston Bishop.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Officer Winston Bishop? The Winston Bishop? The Carport Hero?
Robby: I knew it was you. I saw you on TV, man.
Big Schmidt: Officer, you make me want to be a better man. I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing in my ex-wife's mailbox.
Winston: No, seriously, everybody, calm down. Act normal around me. I'm a fun guy. I do pranks. Uh, Cece's last wedding? The badger that fell down and almost killed a bunch of people... that was me! [chuckles] I'm Prank Sinatra, baby! Old Brown Eyes. Ain't no prank like a badger prank, because a badger prank got badgers, and it's dangerous as hell!

Quote from Winston

Winston: No more Carport Hero! Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.
Jess: No. No! You didn't play a prank... You are the worst prankster in the world! Every prank you do turns out either too big...
[flashback:]
Nick: What is it? Did you register me as a sex offender? [Winston snickers]
[present:]
Jess: ... or too small.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: How'd this blueberry get in here?
Winston: [mumbles] I don't... [laughs] [whoops] You should have saw your face!
[present:]
Winston: He did not see that coming. Just like no one's gonna see what's coming tonight.
Jess: Nothing should be coming tonight.
Winston: I'm sorry, Jess. The fuse has already been lit. The lion has spotted the gazelle. The doo-doo is already mid-flight to the fan. The silly hounds have been released. I repeat: the silly hounds have been released.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, Cece's mom hates me. Like Jay Z, I have 99 problems. But unlike Jay Z, I have zero caveats.

Quote from Cece

Jess: Mrs. Parikh? Please, wait. Stop. Look. [sighs] It was my idea. I thought we could sway you with the power of dance.
Priyanka: You really think a dance is all it takes?
Cece: Mom, I know that Schmidt is not what you imagined. Or what I imagined. I never thought I would fall for the slim-hipped ghost of Tom Cruise.
Jess: None of us did.
Schmidt: Quiet, Chair.
Cece: But I love him. He makes me so happy, and I'm gonna marry him.
Priyanka: I will not give my blessing.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Guys, look at us. A year ago, we were spinning around like cows in the movie Twister. Now look at us. You guys are engaged. You're a minority owner of the bar. I'm the maid of honor who's made of honor. That joke works better on paper.
Winston: Yeah, probably.
Jess: And this guy... is the cop who freaking saved a freaking kid's life.
[flashback:]
Boy: Help! I'm stuck!
Winston: Hey!
Boy: Help!
Winston: [grunts as he lifts car up and frees the boy]
Boy: [groans] Thanks, Officer.
Winston: Call an ambulance.
Boy: I feel fine.
Winston: [screams] For me!
[present:]
Winston: You know, Channel 4 is calling me the Carport Hero. I just... I just really hope it sticks. It's not a big deal.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I like your confidence. Meeting Big Mama P is huge. Her approval means everything to Cece.
[flashback:]
Young Cece: Mom, this is my new friend, Jess.
Priyanka: [eyes Jess up and own] 20-minute playdate. [both girls squeal]
[present:]
Jess: Secretly, she's a romantic, 'cause she used to be a Bollywood dancer and Mr. P's parents forbid them from marrying.
Schmidt: Hot. Continue.
Jess: When they saw her perform, they were so moved, they gave their blessing.
Schmidt: Dance can be so powerful sometimes.
Jess: Ugh, don't I know it. That's why I booked L.A.'s premier Bollywood dance troupe, MaHotMoves Gandhi.
Schmidt: MaHotMoves Gandhi.
Jess: She's gonna love you. I gotcha.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay. I'm gonna go check on the best man.
Jess: I'm sure he's handling whatever task you gave him just fine. [both laugh]
Schmidt: He's so bad at everything!
Jess: Look, he's just one of those rare heterosexual men who does not have a knack for wedding planning.
Schmidt: I'll never understand men like that.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: I can't pick up Cece's mom from the airport! It's too much pressure. You said I only had to do the easy best man stuff.
Schmidt: You're picking someone up from the airport in a car. Not outer space in a canoe. It is easy, Nick.
Nick: Then why don't you do it?
Schmidt: I can't pick her up. Tonight is one of the most important nights of my hair's life, and I need a shampoo. Not a cut. They'll try and cut it, but I won't let them. Getting a day-of cut would be insane. Unless, of course, Julian's working. [Nick sighs] Julian won't be working though. You keep fireworks in your car? What are you, a little Chinese boy?

Quote from Nick

Winston: Guys, look, quit it, okay? Ever since I became the Carport Hero, you're treating me like I'm special, and I'm not. It's me. Winnie the Bish! The Bish with the wish! And my wish is to have fun! Which is exactly why I'm not gonna confiscate the fireworks behind your back.
Nick: Yeah, you got me, Officer Bishop. You can have it. I also want you to have this Jesus wig.
Winston: You know, wigs aren't illegal.
Nick: I know. But I think it would look awesome on you.
Winston: So do I.
Nick: Put it on.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Don't worry about me. The doctor said I'll be good as new in no time. I know I don't look like somebody who should be questioning somebody else's judgment, but... maybe you should have told your mom you were getting married.
Cece: I know. I'm just so worried that she is not gonna like Schmidt. And then she won't give us her blessing... which would kill me.
Jess: Oh, she'll love him when she meets him.
Cece: Schmidt is not exactly what my mom had imagined for me. You know, she wanted someone maybe not so... white?
Jess: [laughs] Oh, he is so white. Remember when the power went out, and we put him in the window to keep the planes away?

Quote from Cece

Priyanka: We come from a country of 400 million men. Let's say half of them are no good. Another half, very ugly. That's still 100 million eligible men. Sure, ten percent are gay. Puts us at 90 million men.
Schmidt: Ms. Parikh, I love Cece.
Priyanka: Cut it in half again just for fun. 45 million men.
Schmidt: Cece, when were you gonna tell her?
Cece: I'm sorry.
Schmidt: On our wedding day when we were standing beneath our custom hybrid mandap-chuppah?
Cece: [crying] I'm so sorry. I just... I wanted the moment to be right. I'm sorry.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Cece, Schmidt... [groaning] Oh, God. Crunch. Ah... Shoot me. [sighs] You have my blessing.
Nick: You have my blessing, too.
Winston: Mine, too.
Nick: Oh, come on, Not-Cece's mom. That would've been awesome. It was a natural three. You got to finish.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Are you nervous to meet Cece's mom?
Schmidt: No. Cece said her mom is really excited that her sexy little bronco has finally met a cowboy that can tame her. Paraphrasing. And I'm really excited to meet the woman that Cece came out of. Not paraphrasing.


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