Schmidt: Cece has zero idea that you're flying her mother in for the engagement party tonight. She is... she is alarmingly in the dark. Maybe it's a cultural thing. You know, we saw the British coming. India did not.

Schmidt: These rings are the first of a dozen accessories that are gonna unify the bridal party. As you can see from my preliminary vision board, our wedding will borrow equally from the holy trinity of Liz Taylor, Jackie O and The Power Gays.
Cece: Oh, I'm scared.
Winston: You should be.

Winston: Oh, she's gonna get hers.
Jess: No, no, Winston, no. What did you do? No pranks.
Schmidt: Such bad timing.
Winston: Hey, Mrs. Parikh. Check your shoe. [Winston snickers] Tickle foot! [laughs] I put a feather in your shoe! [laughing]
Jess: Too small, dude. Way too small.

Schmidt: Well, Cece's mom hates me. Like Jay Z, I have 99 problems. But unlike Jay Z, I have zero caveats.

Winston: No more Carport Hero! Tonight, I'm Prank Sinatra.
Jess: No. No! You didn't play a prank... You are the worst prankster in the world! Every prank you do turns out either too big...
[flashback:]
Nick: What is it? Did you register me as a sex offender? [Winston snickers]
[present:]
Jess: ... or too small.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: How'd this blueberry get in here?
Winston: [mumbles] I don't... [laughs] [whoops] You should have saw your face!
[present:]
Winston: He did not see that coming. Just like no one's gonna see what's coming tonight.
Jess: Nothing should be coming tonight.
Winston: I'm sorry, Jess. The fuse has already been lit. The lion has spotted the gazelle. The doo-doo is already mid-flight to the fan. The silly hounds have been released. I repeat: the silly hounds have been released.

Jess: Mrs. Parikh? Please, wait. Stop. Look. [sighs] It was my idea. I thought we could sway you with the power of dance.
Priyanka: You really think a dance is all it takes?
Cece: Mom, I know that Schmidt is not what you imagined. Or what I imagined. I never thought I would fall for the slim-hipped ghost of Tom Cruise.
Jess: None of us did.
Schmidt: Quiet, Chair.
Cece: But I love him. He makes me so happy, and I'm gonna marry him.
Priyanka: I will not give my blessing.

Winston: Now, me, myself, I am Winston Bishop.
J. Cronkite Valley-Forge: Officer Winston Bishop? The Winston Bishop? The Carport Hero?
Robby: I knew it was you. I saw you on TV, man.
Big Schmidt: Officer, you make me want to be a better man. I'm gonna stop, uh, peeing in my ex-wife's mailbox.
Winston: No, seriously, everybody, calm down. Act normal around me. I'm a fun guy. I do pranks. Uh, Cece's last wedding? The badger that fell down and almost killed a bunch of people... that was me! [chuckles] I'm Prank Sinatra, baby! Old Brown Eyes. Ain't no prank like a badger prank, because a badger prank got badgers, and it's dangerous as hell!

Jess: Guys, look at us. A year ago, we were spinning around like cows in the movie Twister. Now look at us. You guys are engaged. You're a minority owner of the bar. I'm the maid of honor who's made of honor. That joke works better on paper.
Winston: Yeah, probably.
Jess: And this guy... is the cop who freaking saved a freaking kid's life.
[flashback:]
Boy: Help! I'm stuck!
Winston: Hey!
Boy: Help!
Winston: [grunts as he lifts car up and frees the boy]
Boy: [groans] Thanks, Officer.
Winston: Call an ambulance.
Boy: I feel fine.
Winston: [screams] For me!
[present:]
Winston: You know, Channel 4 is calling me the Carport Hero. I just... I just really hope it sticks. It's not a big deal.

Jess: I like your confidence. Meeting Big Mama P is huge. Her approval means everything to Cece.
[flashback:]
Young Cece: Mom, this is my new friend, Jess.
Priyanka: [eyes Jess up and own] 20-minute playdate. [both girls squeal]
[present:]
Jess: Secretly, she's a romantic, 'cause she used to be a Bollywood dancer and Mr. P's parents forbid them from marrying.
Schmidt: Hot. Continue.
Jess: When they saw her perform, they were so moved, they gave their blessing.
Schmidt: Dance can be so powerful sometimes.
Jess: Ugh, don't I know it. That's why I booked L.A.'s premier Bollywood dance troupe, MaHotMoves Gandhi.
Schmidt: MaHotMoves Gandhi.
Jess: She's gonna love you. I gotcha.

Schmidt: Okay. I'm gonna go check on the best man.
Jess: I'm sure he's handling whatever task you gave him just fine. [both laugh]
Schmidt: He's so bad at everything!
Jess: Look, he's just one of those rare heterosexual men who does not have a knack for wedding planning.
Schmidt: I'll never understand men like that.