Winston: There is this one thing that I miss. I probably shouldn't say, man. I can't.
Schmidt: No, come on. It's us, man.
Winston: Schmidt, I could really go for some crack.
Schmidt: What? Crack cocaine?
Winston: I remember when I was a kid, me, my mom, and her mom, and well, her mom, and then her mom, and then of course her mom, and then my little cousin, Peanut, they'd all rush back to that flaming trash can where we'd sit around and harmonize and just... [sings] Shoo-op. One of those nights I remember, well, we ran out of crack. I'd grab my scarf, and I would run on down to the liquor store where the thugs hang out, and I would try to get a good deal on some crack. [chuckles] Whoo! They never would give me a good price, man, but, uh, I tell you what, there's nothing like the... the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and that sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.

Schmidt: White Nick, brown Cece. I'd like to have a frank discussion about race. Do you think that we're allowing Winston to be his blackest self?
Nick: I'm not gonna do this.
Cece: Okay, make sure Jess gets these, okay?
Schmidt: Guys, please, I'm being serious.
Nick: Okay, Schmidty, I know that you're being serious, but look, Winston has been black his entire life. I think he knows how to handle it.
Schmidt: We were out the other night for drinks, and well, he encountered some members of his own, and you should have seen the way that he lit up. I mean, he was like a glow stick.
Nick: This is terrible.
Cece: Whatever you were gonna do, please do not. Just don't do it.
Schmidt: I want to create an environment within this loft where Winston feels free, where the gates are open. Let's let Winston turn on his-his black switch and let his black light shine.

Nick: Fun dinner. Fun dinner. I always have fun at the cabin. You guys want to pick my brain? You guys want to know what I'm thinking about? I like dogs more than cats. I like chipmunks more than squirrels. I believe in UFOs. I once had a bass teacher, when I was younger, who did the standing bass. And he had a very weird smell, and I still think about it. His name was Mr. Hilton. I don't like the fact that you tried to kiss Sam. Because I have feelings for you, Angie.
Angie: I'm... I had no idea, I'm sorry.
Nick: I know. We said it was open, but...
Angie: I'm proud of you for saying that.
Nick: Dr. Sam? If you were a hat, you'd be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that of the deepest compliments.
Sam: Appreciate it.

Winston: Indian food, dinner? You down?
Schmidt: I thought maybe we'd eat at a place where you wanted to eat at tonight, Winston. As a strong black man.
Winston: What? What are you talking about?
Schmidt: Hey, man, I get it. There are just some nights where I'm dying for my zadie's egg salad, pastrami piled a mile high, some matzo, kreplach... Let's eat some soul food.
Winston: Schmidt, I want Indian, southern Indian.

Schmidt: Also, I got you something. Jah rastafari.
Winston: Take this damn thing off my head.
Schmidt: Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Forget the hat. Just, I made a mistake. I just... Winston, tonight is about you. I want to be the black friend that you never had.
Winston: I have black friends, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I want you to feel supported. I want you to be able to do the things that you don't feel like I understand.
Winston: Okay. So that means you're gonna do whatever I say?
Schmidt: I mean, as long as it's gangster. Or not. It doesn't have to be gangster.
Winston: Well, Schmidt, I want to say thank you for allowing me to be me and I look forward to sharing my people's culture with you tonight.

Schmidt: Winston, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.
Winston: What, help me realize that I'm black? Schmidt, believe it or not, man, I've known that for a while now.
Schmidt: I just feel bad you're forced to live here with Jess and Nick.
Winston: Oh, wow.
Schmidt: I mean, they're honky as hell. And look at our people. Look what we've given to this country. Jazz... The management of jazz musicians.
Winston: But, look, Schmidt, being black means whatever I want it to mean. Yeah, the fact of the matter is I live in a loft with three people who happen to be white. But believe you me, there is so much more that I find annoying about you that I haven't even gotten to race. Now, I'm gonna get some frozen yogurt. Would you like anything?
Schmidt: Yeah. I'll have a vanilla chocolate swirl.
Winston: No.
Schmidt: What, no... No. I'll have strawberry with jimmies. Did you get that?

Schmidt: Hey, uh, Winston, who are those guys?
Winston: I don't know, I just met them on the way to the bathroom.
Schmidt: But you were so light and charming. You were like Pixar Winston.

Schmidt: Winston, listen to me. Look... if crack cocaine is what you want then crack cocaine is what we are going to get. How do we do this?
Winston: Here's what we do, Schmidt. We go to the projects, okay? We knock on some doors. I'll wait in the car and take lookout while you do all the legwork. Because as you say, you are in much better shape than I am.
Schmidt: You do have the body of a Smurf.
Winston: We could... We could just get frozen yogurt. It's not a big deal.
Schmidt: Schmidt isn't about no frozen yogurt. I want to go score some crack cocaine.
Winston: Really?
Schmidt: We're gonna do this. [gang handshake]

Schmidt: Hey, psst!
Winston: Schmidt, no.
Schmidt: Yes. Skee-you! Skee-you!
Winston: Schmidt!
Schmidt: You, dude.
Winston: Don't call that man to this car.
Schmidt: Hi, how are you this evening?
Robert: What do you guys need?
Schmidt: It's cool, just get in the car, man.

Winston: Schmidt, you did not invite this guy in this car. He could be crazy, could have a gun.
Schmidt: That's a racist thing to say, Winston, that he... Stop it, Schmidt... Just assuming that this man has a pistol. Hi, sir. How are you this evening? Um, the two of us are very interested in purchasing some crack cocaine.
Robert: You guys cops?
Schmidt: What?
Robert: Okay, let me out.
Winston: Schmidt, Schmidt... I was just messing with you, man. Okay? I was just trying to see how far your stupid white guilt would take you.
Schmidt: Have you ever done crack?
Winston: Hell, no, I've never done crack, man. Why do you think I've done crack? Because I'm black?
Schmidt: I thought you'd done crack 'cause you told me the whole story about you doing crack.