Aly: Screw you. Here's your crap: lucky crystal, key chain fart marker, over a hundred yogurt tops, your flattened penny collection, a signed copy of a Paul Reiser biography, baby carrot thumb drive, a picture of you and Dave Coulier, loose Pez, my mom's cell number, a ticket stub from Urinetown. When did you even see that? [holds novelty glasses] Why? Why?
Winston: Oh, have you... Have you tried 'em on?
Aly: Oh, and your Pure Mood CD. This thing makes me want to swim into a boat motor.

Aly: How should I be, huh? Like you? [mocking] "Oh, my God, look at me, I'm Leslie. I wear holiday socks in the summer. I follow Ariana Grande around like she was the Grateful Dead."
Leslie: [mocking] "Oh, I'm Aly. I went to Quantico and I got a disease, and I can't be around people!"
Aly: Do you mean "quarantine"?

Aly: You ended a relationship without any confrontation. You got what you wanted.
Nick: Then why do I feel so terrible?
Aly: Maybe you feel bad because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you, and you ended it like it didn't.
Nick: Right. I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this, Aly. But I'm also glad you were here 'cause I feel like we bonded.
Aly: It was one of the most frustrating days of my entire life. I'm exhausted. I feel like a single mom in a mop commercial.
Nick: Welcome to the loft.

Winston: So... Which one of us takes the blackmailing gambling addict?
Aly: I'll take him. Can't be worse than the job I had before this... Photographing those idiot babies.
[flashback:]
Aly: Uncross your eyes, you idiot baby. [baby cries]
[present:]
Winston: Is that why you have all those pictures of crying babies dressed as vegetables in your living room?
Aly: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Winston: Yeah, that was weird.

Winston: Oh, my God, he's scared. Man, don't be scared.
Aly: He loves you.
Winston: Yeah, I'm here, okay? Baby, he's not wearing any tags. Which means he's a stray. Can we...?
Aly: Okay, yes, but only if you feed him from one of those bottles like in a zoo documentary, 'cause I like that, that's cute as hell.

Aly: Oh, Winston, now's really not a good time.
Winston: I know saying the word "bride" to you was a little crazy, But let me just explain myself, okay? What I meant to say is that you're beautiful. Every day with you is so much better. Your brain is banging. The skin-bag it comes in ain't too bad either. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know what, except that I'm not sorry, okay? Because this is who I am.
Aly: No, Winston, I have food poisoning. Yeah, I don't know who let Nick's mute park friend cook dinner for 20, but I want to find and throw up on them.

Aly: [hip-hop music playing] Hey, you want your bar mitzvah money? Tell me her name.
Schmidt: I don't remember.
Aly: I don't believe you!
Winston: Just relax. Relax. Here, Schmidt. Sip that. Want to hear the music again?
[hip-hop music playing] All right, there we go. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're 13 years old, everybody's feeling it...
[sings] Motown Philly's back again...
Aly: Enough. What was her name?!
Schmidt: Sharon Rosenberg!

Winston: [on video call] As I was saying, I never felt love like this. I really miss your lips on mine.
Aly: Babe, it's just a two month FBI training program. I had a major breakthrough this week. I perfected my "keep vamping, we've almost traced the call" gesture.

Aly: Do something. My skin's burning, you guys.
Winston: What? Baby, baby, you okay?
Aly: What did you put on me?
Winston: What did you do to her, Rhonda?!
Aly: Ow!
Rhonda: She didn't want the jelly, so I used a porcine birthing agent.
Winston: What is that?!
Rhonda: I... I...
Aly: Well, it's burning! Oh, my God!
Rhonda: I'm so sorry.
Aly: You're sorry?! You should be... because, baby doll, you just got Aly'd. Oh! How you like that, Rhonda? Who's basic now? Oh!

Winston: Whoa.
Aly: I taught English in Japan for a couple years after college and... I fell in with a bad crowd. It was a time in my life I'm not proud of. I fell in with... with a Japanese game show crowd.