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‘The Curse of the Pirate Bride’ Quotes

New Girl: The Curse of the Pirate Bride

707. The Curse of the Pirate Bride

Aired May 15, 2018

Jess and Nick ignore the superstition that the bride and groom shouldn't be together on the day of their wedding.

Quote from Aly

Cece: Guys, guys, guys, guys, Aly is in labor.
Winston: What? My baby's having my baby? My baby's having my baby! Are you okay? I love you so much.
Aly: What if it comes out covered in all the gum I've ever swallowed?

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Are you holding it in? You got to hold it in. Don't want it to fall on the ground and get dirty.
Aly: That's not how it works. I'm really nervous about what you don't know.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: I'm very proud of you, son. I heard you fought like a coward for my daughter today.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Tran! Look at you. You look so good, you heartthrob. Hey, did you ever think Jess was gonna want to marry me? You did? Ah, see, I didn't see that. I just feel like the luckiest guy in the whole world. That's a very sweet thing to say. Hey, I'm feeling a little bit antsy. What's a groom supposed to do on his wedding day? I said day, not night, you little pervert. [laughing] I know what to do in the night. Oh, my publisher just showed up. I want to see what he thinks about my new book. I'm not gonna give him your poems. I'm not gonna do it. I gave you my opinion on 'em. There was some racist stuff in there that I didn't dig, and I don't want my name associated. I'll give him your poems. [laughing]

Quote from Aly

Aly: [groaning loudly] Oh, hey, Cece. Oh, I'm so mad about politics. Aah!
Cece: Aly, you are having the baby, okay? I know those labor eyes, sister.
Aly: Okay, fine. I'm in labor.
Cece: I know!
Aly: Why is this how we make more people? It's a terrible system.
Cece: Oh, honey, we got to get Winston, we got to get you to the hospital.
Aly: No, no, no. I don't want to go until after the wedding. Aah! Take me to drugs. Take me to drugs right now.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Ooh. Take care of our pirate bride.

Quote from Joan Day

Jess: God, Mom!
Nick: I wasn't touching it.
Joan Day: You shouldn't have slept together the night before your wedding. It is bad luck.
Nick: Oh.
Jess: Mom, that's just a stupid superstition.
Joan Day: Oh, it is so not. Your Uncle Elmer slept with your Aunt Jeanie the night before their wedding.
Jess: And they've been married 40 years.
Joan Day: But he's gay. You're playing with fire. This marriage could be cursed.
Nick: Well, if the curse means spending the rest of my life with the woman I love, then I say bring it on.
Joan Day: Oh, grow up.

Quote from Bob Day

Winston: There he is, father of the bride.
Schmidt: I've been told to keep you to three drinks, sir.
Bob Day: Very cute. Almost as cute as the toast that you gave last night. Let me ask you something as a fan. When you rhymed Nick's name with a certain body part, how did you come up with that? I mean, because, come on, brilliant.
Winston: Thank you very much for saying that, it means...
Schmidt: He's being sarcastic.
Bob Day: Oh, so now you can read the room.
Winston: What the hell are you talking about? We killed it last night.
Schmidt: Yeah, I explained every joke right after I told it.
Winston: Yeah.
Bob Day: You stunk, like a... a big wheel of Limburger cheese. Now, that's comedy. Stay away from me.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Sweetheart, I know just want you need. How about you try to relax with a little of the cheeba from Aunt Reeba?
Jess: What?
Joan Day: [whispering] Marijuana.
Jess: It's my wedding day! Did you bring that on the plane?
Joan Day: Yes.
Jess: Mom!
Joan Day: Really, just take a small toke. It's not that strong. It's so weak, they call it Gun Control in America.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Look, we want to make it up to you, so if there's anything that we can do, please just l-let us know.
Nick: Our marriage is cursed.
Schmidt: Wh-What do you mean, cursed?
Nick: Last night I seduced Jess at the, uh, rehearsal dinner. I dangled my hot body in front of her, and she couldn't resist, and we had a night of weird, wild sex that would have made the good Lord proud, and now our marriage is cursed.
Winston: Come on, man. None of that stuff is true. Curses aren't real.
Nick: Yeah, but you believe in crystals, Winston.
Winston: Crystals are real, dude. Don't say nothing bad about crystals!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ooh, hey, honey.
Nick: Hey, Ruth, is Aunt Jess here? I really need to talk to her.
Ruth: What's the password?
Winston: Oh, the password. Oh, uh, yeah, it's... Ruth 1.
Ruth: Wrong.
Winston: Ruth 2?
Ruth: Wrong.
Winston: Ruth 3...?
Ruth: Close.
Nick: Don't do this to me, kid.
Ruth: Wrong.
Schmidt: Ruth, honey, just tell us where Aunt Jess is, okay?
Ruth: Sure, for a hundred bucks.
Nick: I ain't got that.
Schmidt: I've never been more proud of that... I mean, this is my daughter. Unbelievable.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Please tell me one of you goons is sober enough to drive this circus to the hospital.
Nick: Not me. I've been drinking all day.
Jess: I only have one working eye!
Russell: Well, I'll take you to the hospital.
Winston: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Aly: Great!
Winston: Uh, we'll beat you up after the baby is born.
Aly: Why would you say that? Babe, why is your crystal out? Were you fighting?

Quote from Jess

Chaplain: Friends, we've been invited here today to share with Nick and Jess in a very important moment in their lives. Jess, do you take Nick?
Jess: I do.
Chaplain: Nick, do you take Jess?
Nick: I do.
Chaplain: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Nick: Okay. [removes Jess's eyepatch]
Winston: Oh, damn.
Jess: Is it bad?
Joan Day: Mm.
Chaplain: I've seen worse. I mean, literally ten minutes ago.
Nick: I think you'll be happy if it's covered.
Jess: [laughing] Sure. It's you and me now.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Everybody meet Dan Bill Bishop.
Jess: Oh. Daniel William?
Winston: Nah, Dan Bill.
Schmidt: Uh, is Bill the middle name?
Winston: Nah. Dan Bill. Dan Bill Bishop.
Cece: Family name or...?
Winston: Nah, it's Dan Bill.
Aly: Oh. Tell them you're kidding.
Winston: I'm not kidding. It's Dan Bill Bishop.
Aly: What?
Winston: I'm not joking. It's Dan Bill Bishop.
Aly: We're gonna talk about this.
Winston: You were sleeping. I made an executive decision.


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