Cece: Guys, guys, guys, guys, Aly is in labor.
Winston: What? My baby's having my baby? My baby's having my baby! Are you okay? I love you so much.
Aly: What if it comes out covered in all the gum I've ever swallowed?

Winston: Are you holding it in? You got to hold it in. Don't want it to fall on the ground and get dirty.
Aly: That's not how it works. I'm really nervous about what you don't know.

Bob Day: I'm very proud of you, son. I heard you fought like a coward for my daughter today.

Aly: [groaning loudly] Oh, hey, Cece. Oh, I'm so mad about politics. Aah!
Cece: Aly, you are having the baby, okay? I know those labor eyes, sister.
Aly: Okay, fine. I'm in labor.
Cece: I know!
Aly: Why is this how we make more people? It's a terrible system.
Cece: Oh, honey, we got to get Winston, we got to get you to the hospital.
Aly: No, no, no. I don't want to go until after the wedding. Aah! Take me to drugs. Take me to drugs right now.

Joan Day: Ooh. Take care of our pirate bride.

Nick: Tran! Look at you. You look so good, you heartthrob. Hey, did you ever think Jess was gonna want to marry me? You did? Ah, see, I didn't see that. I just feel like the luckiest guy in the whole world. That's a very sweet thing to say. Hey, I'm feeling a little bit antsy. What's a groom supposed to do on his wedding day? I said day, not night, you little pervert. [laughing] I know what to do in the night. Oh, my publisher just showed up. I want to see what he thinks about my new book. I'm not gonna give him your poems. I'm not gonna do it. I gave you my opinion on 'em. There was some racist stuff in there that I didn't dig, and I don't want my name associated. I'll give him your poems. [laughing]

Jess: God, Mom!
Nick: I wasn't touching it.
Joan Day: You shouldn't have slept together the night before your wedding. It is bad luck.
Nick: Oh.
Jess: Mom, that's just a stupid superstition.
Joan Day: Oh, it is so not. Your Uncle Elmer slept with your Aunt Jeanie the night before their wedding.
Jess: And they've been married 40 years.
Joan Day: But he's gay. You're playing with fire. This marriage could be cursed.
Nick: Well, if the curse means spending the rest of my life with the woman I love, then I say bring it on.
Joan Day: Oh, grow up.

Winston: There he is, father of the bride.
Schmidt: I've been told to keep you to three drinks, sir.
Bob Day: Very cute. Almost as cute as the toast that you gave last night. Let me ask you something as a fan. When you rhymed Nick's name with a certain body part, how did you come up with that? I mean, because, come on, brilliant.
Winston: Thank you very much for saying that, it means...
Schmidt: He's being sarcastic.
Bob Day: Oh, so now you can read the room.
Winston: What the hell are you talking about? We killed it last night.
Schmidt: Yeah, I explained every joke right after I told it.
Winston: Yeah.
Bob Day: You stunk, like a... a big wheel of Limburger cheese. Now, that's comedy. Stay away from me.

Joan Day: Sweetheart, I know just want you need. How about you try to relax with a little of the cheeba from Aunt Reeba?
Jess: What?
Joan Day: [whispering] Marijuana.
Jess: It's my wedding day! Did you bring that on the plane?
Joan Day: Yes.
Jess: Mom!
Joan Day: Really, just take a small toke. It's not that strong. It's so weak, they call it Gun Control in America.

Schmidt: Look, we want to make it up to you, so if there's anything that we can do, please just l-let us know.
Nick: Our marriage is cursed.
Schmidt: Wh-What do you mean, cursed?
Nick: Last night I seduced Jess at the, uh, rehearsal dinner. I dangled my hot body in front of her, and she couldn't resist, and we had a night of weird, wild sex that would have made the good Lord proud, and now our marriage is cursed.
Winston: Come on, man. None of that stuff is true. Curses aren't real.
Nick: Yeah, but you believe in crystals, Winston.
Winston: Crystals are real, dude. Don't say nothing bad about crystals!