Nick: Reason 13: I like my stuff and I hate her stuff. Reason number 14: How am I ever gonna change my clothes?
Schmidt: You don't change in front of your girlfriend? You get naked in front of her.
Nick: Yes, but those are different things. When you're naked, you're powerful and it's glorious. When you're changing, you're hunched over and cowering, like an animal.
Schmidt: Animals don't wear clothes, Nick.

Nick: Hey. I'm sorry that this didn't work out. I'm sorry that we sucked.
Jess: Look, we don't suck. I'm crazy about you, but I don't have to spend every second with you in what amounts to a one-room log cabin.
Nick: Cabins are what drove the Pilgrims crazy. That's why they killed each other at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.
Jess: That's not a real thing.
Nick: So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?
Jess: There definitely weren't millions of Pilgrims.
Nick: Then how do you explain my 37-page essay about it?
Jess: I think you made it up in your head.
Nick: This seems like one of those "agree to disagree" moments...
Jess: No. It's not.
Nick: I'm also older than you.

Schmidt: Is that why you guys are sorting through my garbage? I appreciate the concern, you guys, but Abby has changed.
Coach: Then how do you explain this?
Schmidt: I put my coffee grounds in a plastic bag so it doesn't get the rest of my trash dirty.
Coach: Really?
Cece: Yeah, he does that.
Coach: You got clean-ass trash, man. I don't even need gloves for this.
Schmidt: Quit sorting through my trash, Coach. You're messing it all up.

Coach: Cece, darling.
Cece: Hmm? What?
Coach: How long have we been friends?
Cece: A week or so?
Coach: And have I ever steered you wrong?
Cece: Well, no.
Coach: Exactly. Because I know you better than anyone, girl. And you're acting like a lunatic. I mean, the kind of lunatic other lunatics look at and go, "Oh, my God, that bitch a lunatic." So I'm gonna need you to figure out why you're really doing all this for Schmidt and then sort it out.
Cece: You did not just say that to me. [snaps fingers]
Coach: Think about it, girl. Shoot.
Cece: Just to be clear, I did not ask you to act like this, okay?
Coach: It's just kind of fun to do.
Cece: Slow down, girl.
Coach: You gonna eat that scone? Damn it.
Cece: Slow down.
Coach: [manly] Are you- Are you gonna have this scone?

Coach: Cece and I have been hanging out a lot more lately. She sort of treats me like I'm one of her girl friends, and...
Winston: [strained] You don't like it?
Coach: I love it. [chuckles] I mean, usually, when I'm friends with a girl, I'm either trying to get that butt or she's trying to get this butt. But with Cece, it's not about the butt. [chuckles] It's not about the butt, man. It's cool. It's like... We're like sisters.
Winston: What?!
Cece: [enters] Coach. Hey, do you have, uh, Schmidt's keys? Kind of got a weird favor to ask.
Coach: It's only weird if you don't ask, girl. [laughs]
Winston: What?!
Cece: That's what I'm talking about.

Schmidt: Great. Hit a parked car in the same neighborhood they shot friggin' Children of Men.

Jess: [on the phone] Coffee for one, a sundae for one, and the most tasteful, story-driven [whispers] adult film. Preferably a period piece. The farther in the past, the better. You know what I'm talking about, girl.
[later, Jess sobs]
Jess: [on the phone] Do you have anything in the Byzantine era? No? Okay, just a shot in the dark.

Nick: We basically sleep in each other's rooms every night, so what is the difference?
Jess: It's a really big difference. Because right now we're roommates but we're not living together. Not "living together." You know?
Nick: No.
Jess: Living together is a step. It's official. It's an official step in a relationship.
Nick: So the word "official" is the key.
Jess: Abby and Schmidt did it after one week. Come on. We have so much left to learn about each other, stuff you can only learn if you're crammed together in a small space and you can't get out. Just you and me. Four walls. No boundaries, no escape.
Nick: When you put it like that, it sounds amazing. And like prison.

Schmidt: True intimacy. Embrace that. Abby and I, we have one sponge. And we use it for everything.
Nick: I don't like that, but you seem happy.
Schmidt: Don't hold back, Nick. Expose your cracks and love will fill them.
Nick: That's nice.
Schmidt: Thank you.

Nick: Do you know how hard it's been for me to take this conversation seriously while you're wearing that thing around your neck?
Schmidt: It's an Iroquois throat band.
Nick: That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
Schmidt: Yeah, you're jealous.
Nick: No, I'm not.
Schmidt: It's not just a choker, it's story.
Nick: What's the story? She didn't have enough supplies?
Schmidt: I'm not through the whole thing yet.
Nick: I got to tell you, man, looking at that thing, the sex must be awesome.