Winston: All right, everybody stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down! Okay, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me! You, give her her scarf back. Finders keepers is not a thing. You, get out of my house!
Holly: Who are you?
Winston: Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins. And Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really goes down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.
Nick: Not true.
Winston: Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house!

Schmidt: Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out. Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the earth, hates peas?
Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A... a white man?! No! Well, what did security do about it?!
Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: Typical!

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those-those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

Schmidt: What do you mean, you're gonna have your own kid?
Nick: When I have my own kid. Don't make a big deal of it. I just... I don't... I don't hate your plan. I kind of like it. Things have been going pretty good for me lately, and I-I would like to meet my own Maria. With-a the meatballs.
Schmidt: With-a the red sauce.
Nick: [laughs] With-a the red sauce. I want to see that plan you got for me.
Schmidt: Well, come on, man. It's a rough draft, but you should check it out.
Nick: What do we got here, chief? "Nick has a boy. He calls him Gio." We die on the same day in 2098?
Schmidt: You murder me and then kill yourself.
Nick: There's not a chance I make it to 2098. Not a chance. I don't want to see the 2050s.
Schmidt: Oddly enough, you won't. See? I freeze you from 2050 to 2064.
Nick: That's why you're the genius. That's why you're the genius.

Nick: Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, so I got you a regular cookie and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.
Schmidt: What is this?
Nick: A Jewish star... I just said that.
Winston: Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
Schmidt: This... Is so terrible!
Nick: You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We're even! We're even, Schmidt! I mean, what do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt? I've been racking my brain all day. I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes. I didn't know what to get you. And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. I don't know, man. You love me too much, Schmidt, and you picked the wrong guy. And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours? I'm just gonna let you down, man.

Nick: Oh, I got to get back to work. I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar. So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.
Schmidt: You haven't done those yet? Nick, our accountant needs them today.
Nick: I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.
Schmidt: D-U-E, Nicholas.
Nick: D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G. Doing. The doing date. And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing. It should be freaking "doyng." [puts on sunglasses]
Winston: [laughing] Nick, you got 'em?!
Cece: You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.