Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Ron Swanson: Do you fish, April?
April: No. Fish are gross.
Ron Swanson: Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
April: I said I don't...
Ron Swanson: When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose, especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
April: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ron Swanson: Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?