April: Okay, somebody's got to do something. I'm getting a cluster headache.
Jerry: Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving.
Tom: Let's go. I'm gonna throw it away. No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons.
Jerry: What is he typing anyway?
Donna: "If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you."
[Everyone scatters as Ron returns:]
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna type every word I know. Rectangle! America! Megaphone! Monday! Butthole.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. An old Underwood Five with original carriage return. [typewriter dings] Ah. I took her home, polished her up, and bought a brand-new ribbon off of electronicBay.com.

Ben: Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but these interviews are more important than we thought. Harvest Fest is two weeks away, and awareness is still pretty low.
Leslie Knope: Boy, 35%.
Ben: It's actually 34.2%.
Leslie Knope: [robotic voice] 34.2%. I am Ben, the numbers robot.
Ben: It's just an exact, uh, calculation.
Leslie Knope: [robotic voice] It is just an exact calculation.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival, and we've got TV, newspaper, radio, and I even called Oprah. Well, I tried to call Oprah. I-I couldn't get her number. I'm putting it out there like the secret... And hopefully she'll call me.

Chris: Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans, and walnuts could complement each other so well?
Ann: Good dressing too, right? Flaxseed and agave. Same basic ingredients as bird feed.

Ron Swanson: What's the next task?
Andy: Oh, we have to write her grandmother a thank-you note for a birthday check. It has to be really good, too, 'cause it's five months late.
Ron Swanson: Never written a thank-you note before. This will be fun. What does she call her?
Andy: Gamma. No, Nannaw. Or Nanna... Gizmo. Something like that.

Andy: This is for your Gizmo. I think you'll find it's pretty good.
April: "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
Andy: Oh. Oops. Okay.
April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman... " Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was $5. "Enjoy the mouse rat CD." He is deaf.
Andy: Okay, do you want me to make those changes, or is it good?

Man: [on line] Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?
Ben: Because I'm trusty. Trust me. I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to... [sighs] Make sure that this town gets back on its feet.
Leslie Knope: There we go. Okay, great. Next caller.
Woman: So I looked you up on Altavista, and I found out that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt.
Ben: Okay, first of all, why does everyone in this town use Altavista? Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now they aren't. And, yeah, I screwed up when I was 18, but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18? Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: I stole my... [clears throat] gym teacher's husband.
Ben: So there you go.

Leslie Knope: Our first interview is at 93.7 F.M. With Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Tom: [imitating DJ] Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Leslie Knope: They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive-time radio guys.
Tom: So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?
Leslie Knope: They're seriously so funny.

Chris: Have you given my offer any more thought?
April: What exactly would happen if I said yes?
Chris: Well, you would work at the State House. You would coordinate my professional and personal schedule, and we would give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis.
April: [softly] Oh, that sounds boring. [normal voice] But I have nothing keeping me here. Do you have Internet in your office?
Chris: [snaps fingers] Yes.
April: [snaps fingers] Fine. I'll do it.