Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Media Blitz’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Media Blitz

305. Media Blitz

Aired February 17, 2011

When Leslie, Tom and Ben hit the airwaves to promote the Harvest Festival, Ben's history as a teenage mayor trips him up. Meanwhile, April decides to accept Chris's job offer in Indianapolis, and Ann wonders what Chris's move means for their relationship.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Okay, somebody's got to do something. I'm getting a cluster headache.
Jerry: Oh, whoa, whoa, he's leaving.
Tom: Let's go. I'm gonna throw it away. No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons.
Jerry: What is he typing anyway?
Donna: "If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you."
[Everyone scatters as Ron returns:]
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna type every word I know. Rectangle! America! Megaphone! Monday! Butthole.

Rate

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. An old Underwood Five with original carriage return. [typewriter dings] Ah. I took her home, polished her up, and bought a brand-new ribbon off of electronicBay.com.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but these interviews are more important than we thought. Harvest Fest is two weeks away, and awareness is still pretty low.
Leslie Knope: Boy, 35%.
Ben: It's actually 34.2%.
Leslie Knope: [robotic voice] 34.2%. I am Ben, the numbers robot.
Ben: It's just an exact, uh, calculation.
Leslie Knope: [robotic voice] It is just an exact calculation.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival, and we've got TV, newspaper, radio, and I even called Oprah. Well, I tried to call Oprah. I-I couldn't get her number. I'm putting it out there like the secret... And hopefully she'll call me.

Quote from Ann

Chris: Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans, and walnuts could complement each other so well?
Ann: Good dressing too, right? Flaxseed and agave. Same basic ingredients as bird feed.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: What's the next task?
Andy: Oh, we have to write her grandmother a thank-you note for a birthday check. It has to be really good, too, 'cause it's five months late.
Ron Swanson: Never written a thank-you note before. This will be fun. What does she call her?
Andy: Gamma. No, Nannaw. Or Nanna... Gizmo. Something like that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: This is for your Gizmo. I think you'll find it's pretty good.
April: "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
Andy: Oh. Oops. Okay.
April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman... " Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was $5. "Enjoy the mouse rat CD." He is deaf.
Andy: Okay, do you want me to make those changes, or is it good?

Quote from Ben

Man: [on line] Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?
Ben: Because I'm trusty. Trust me. I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to... [sighs] Make sure that this town gets back on its feet.
Leslie Knope: There we go. Okay, great. Next caller.
Woman: So I looked you up on Altavista, and I found out that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt.
Ben: Okay, first of all, why does everyone in this town use Altavista? Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist. I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now they aren't. And, yeah, I screwed up when I was 18, but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18? Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: I stole my... [clears throat] gym teacher's husband.
Ben: So there you go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Our first interview is at 93.7 F.M. With Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Tom: [imitating DJ] Crazy Ira and the Douche.
Leslie Knope: They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive-time radio guys.
Tom: So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?
Leslie Knope: They're seriously so funny.

Quote from April

Chris: Have you given my offer any more thought?
April: What exactly would happen if I said yes?
Chris: Well, you would work at the State House. You would coordinate my professional and personal schedule, and we would give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis.
April: [softly] Oh, that sounds boring. [normal voice] But I have nothing keeping me here. Do you have Internet in your office?
Chris: [snaps fingers] Yes.
April: [snaps fingers] Fine. I'll do it.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Unlike April, I still do not know what my future holds with Chris, and it's starting to bum me out. I need some more vitamin "D." Yeah.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, hey, crazy. What was that meeting about?
April: Oh, it turns out Chris is my real dad.
Andy: I think you're lying. I think I know what that meeting was about. You can't go to Indianapolis. There's got to be something that I can do to convince you how much I care about you. [gasps] Tell me your least favorite things you have to do every day, and I'll do them for a month.
April: Fine. If you do everything I hate for a month, then I might begin to think about the possibility of thinking about maybe staying.
Andy: That's all I have to hear. You won't live to regret this.
[aside to camera:]
April: Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, then I'm not gonna change my mind. But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, then I'm not gonna dumb stop him.

Quote from April

George: [yelling] My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs.
Andy: Oh, let me just look for that form.
George: There's no time! He can fly!
[aside to camera:]
April: Nine things April hates to do. "Number one, run the permits desk for an hour." That's no problem. I eat running the permits desk for an hour for breakfast.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Why are you working the permits desk? And why was that child clubbing your nuggets?
Andy: I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris, so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month.
Ron Swanson: That's going to work?
Andy: She said it might. But it's all I got, man.
Ron Swanson: Give me the list. I'll help you.
Andy: Oh, my God. Thank you. [hugs Ron] You got it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I don't care about their relationship. I just don't want to lose April. I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Nice job, man. Was that your first time talking to other people? 'Cause it came off that way. You embarrassed me in front of the Douche.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: I'm sorry, you guys. I just... I haven't had to deal with that mayor stuff for 17 years. I guess I'm not totally over it.
Leslie Knope: No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road.
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile is an all-terrain vehicle. So everything involving Ben is fine. I just need to talk to you in private about something different that is not Ben related. Ben, good job.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I want to define your bagua.
Ann: Okay. What's that?
Chris: It's a feng shui term. The energy in this house is a little stale, but I think I could redefine your flow in a very positive way.
Ann: Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged or the stuff itself or this house even, really.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [recording] This just in. Harvest Festival? More like Harvest "Bestival." The Parks Department has planted the seeds, and now they're harvesting the rewards.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Great, you done?
Leslie Knope: They'll put the "fun" in funnel cake. Okay, now I'm done.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Tell me about Ben Wyatt.
Leslie Knope: Sure. He works for the state government, and he's been coming to advise us about our budget.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Oh, come on, Leslie. The Douche blew the story wide open. Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee to tell us how to spend our money?
Leslie Knope: There's no story here, Shauna. He's just a dedicated civil servant who's doing whatever he can to make sure that this is the best Harvest Festival ever. And he's easy on the eyes too. [chuckles]
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Um, what exactly is the nature of your relationship with him?
Leslie Knope: Strictly professional, just friends.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: So are you colleagues, or are you friends?
Leslie Knope: We are colleagues with benefits. We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends. I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go. But, um, thank you so much. And as always, everything I said is off the record. Okay? Bye.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Before we do this next interview, there's a little secret I want to let you in on. It's called the Haverford Schmooze.
Ben: I was just caught off guard. I'm fine.
Tom: Three easy steps. Smile, friendly physical contact, and flattery. Hey, Perd, is your dad Robocop? 'Cause you're arms are guns.
Ben: Robocop didn't have guns for arms.
Tom: Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.
Ben: I'm just saying.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Why are we at a mall?
Tom: I'm getting you a new suit. I've let this go on long enough.
Ben: I like this suit.
Tom: You shouldn't... 'Cause it looks like garbage.
Ben: Your suit looks more like garbage.
Tom: Oh, really?
Ben: Yeah.
Tom: 'Cause Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Okay, this next thing is a photography-class assignment. Can you figure that out?
Ron Swanson: "Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy." Melancholy. Give me this. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you?
April: Yes. But he said he wanted to do it. I'm only doing it because I'm getting...
Donna: Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list.
[cut to Andy massing Donna's feet]
Donna: Yep. There we go. That's the stuff.
Andy: April really does this every day?
Donna: Yes. Work the hell.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Harpley: Welcome to Ya' Heard with Perd. I'm Perd Hapley. The story of our guests today is that they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation, Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford.
Tom: What up, Perd? Big fan.
Ben: Me too, Perd. What up?
Perd Harpley: The thing about this first question is... I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival.
Tom: Perd, it's gonna be amazing. Carnival rides, games. Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster for some of Pawnee's obese thrill seekers. You must be this wide to ride.
Perd Harpley: Wow. That's gonna be a pretty big roller coaster.
Tom: Yep.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [on tape] Ah! Look... Who hasn't had gay thoughts? Who?
Perd Harpley: You okay?
Ben: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. I mean, you know, sometimes I feel like I might need glasses. Is there a bird in here? I swear I keep seeing a bird in the studio.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: How did this happen?
Tom: He was fine until Perd started asking him about the boy-mayor stuff.
Leslie Knope: What's wrong with you? You look psychotic.
Ben: [on tape] I was 18 when I was elected mayor, okay? So excuse me for that. Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom. Do you know how that feel... I should call her. I should. I... No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to, and I'm proud of myself for that.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: That should be some damage control. I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley. Tom, what do we have?
Tom: I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses thinking about pulling their sponsorships. Sweetums might cancel the fat-coaster.

Quote from Andy

Police Officer: Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?
Andy: Yeah. But she's being really difficult about it. Uh, and it's actually not my van. Uh, I stole it from a friend of mine. I technically shouldn't be even driving, because, uh, my license is crazy expired. [chuckles]

Quote from Tom

Tom: Joan? Oh, I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here. [both laugh] Joan, let's make a pact, okay? If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom, I'm already married.
Tom: Oh, that's right, to Seal. Oh, I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Uh, let's take some calls, Joan. Why don't you?
Joan Callamezzo: Okay. Uh, caller, are you there?
Woman: [on line] Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes for something that will hurt the town?
Ben: I... For...
Leslie Knope: Uh, just to add to what Ben's stammering about, um, we aren't going to raise taxes, so that's that. [chuckles] Next caller.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Do you fish, April?
April: No. Fish are gross.
Ron Swanson: Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
April: I said I don't...
Ron Swanson: When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut him loose, especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
April: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ron Swanson: Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy. Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him is a really good idea. What do I know?

Quote from Chris

Chris: You are going to love this. Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon. Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.
Ann: Are we actually ever gonna drink it, or we're just gonna sniff it? I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.
Chris: You are hilarious.

Quote from Chris

Ann: So you're leaving soon.
Chris: Um, back to Indianapolis briefly and then on to a town called Snerling, Indiana, for several months.
Ann: Never heard of it.
Chris: It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people 40 to 1. It sounds amazing.

Quote from Chris

Ann: I like you a lot. I love spending time with you.
Chris: And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins.
Ann: I just think we need to talk about what that means for us. I don't want to be clingy. I...
Chris: Please, it is something that we need to figure out, and we should do that right now.
Ann: I'm so happy you said that. [drinks tea] Wow, that's disgusting.
Chris: Yes, it's very hard to drink. [continues drinking]

Quote from Ben

Ben: [on tape] If I thought you were serious, I'd be offended, Perd, but I know that we're buddies, and I know you wouldn't do that to me. But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd, okay? This is the little scar I got when I was nine and I fell off my bike, so, no, I'm not perfect!
Tom: I can't look away. It's a... it's amazing.
Ben: Okay, wait, wait, wait, no. Here's the best part.
Perd Harpley: Okay, uh, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard. I'm Perd Hapley, Channel 4.
Ben: [on tape] More like "Turd Crapley."

Quote from Leslie Knope

The Douche: All right, switching gears here now. We got Leslie Knope and Tom Haverfart... [fart sound] And, uh, Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
Leslie Knope: Well, the Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome... Meets agriculture. And it is going to be next month right here in Pawnee. And spoiler alert, it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?
The Douche: Oh, that's right, to your mom.

Quote from Ben

Crazy Ira: So this guy, Ben Wyatt, we're looking him up on Altavista. He's from some hick town... Partridge, Minnesota... and when he's 18, he's elected mayor. [patriotic music, fart sound
Ben: That's funny. That's funny.
The Douche: He's 18, becomes the mayor, and then blows the whole budget on an ice-skating rink. City goes bankrupt. [explosion sound] You're out of there.
Crazy Ira: What did you call it again, Ben? What was it called? Say it.
Ben: Ice Town. [laughter] I was just a... I was a kid, and, um, when you... you... you end up getting out there and, uh... and there's a...
The Douche: Oh, I really wish you guys could see this guy right now. He is "draunched" is sweat.

Quote from Ben

The Douche: All right, talk to me, caller.
Caller: [on the line] What's up, guys? Just douchein' over here in Eagleton.
Crazy Ira: Sweet.
Caller: Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor. What were you, like, 12? [laughing]
Ben: The funny, um... When... I guess... The fortunate, um... Can we just sort of... [video game sound effect]
Male Voice: Game over, man. Game over.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Andy, can I be next?
Andy: Yeah.
Jerry: I've got a corn so big you could slap butter on it.


 Episode 304 Episode 306 
  Select another episode