Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Ann: JJ's diner put an old waffle iron up for auction. It's the perfect breakfast day gift for Leslie.
Donna: "Breakfast day"?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Leslie has anniversaries for everything. "Zoo day," first time we went to the zoo together. "Double date day," it was the first time we went on a double date. "Daniel Day-Lewis day." "Talk-like-a-pirate day." "Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate day," which why and how? This calendar was last year's calendar day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar.

Garth Blundin: Yeah, nothing warms the blood like an old whirly-bout with the old butter-gyre, eh, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: Indeed. Man, this guy's tougher than I thought.
Tom: I don't know how either of you guys are doing this. One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

Tom: Got it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, now let's not read anything. That's an invasion of his privacy. Let's just look at his browser history and his inbox and his outbox and his Facebook page.
Andy: Yeah, he doesn't have any new emails.
Tom: Oh, my God. It's true. He hasn't gotten an email in... 12 days! Is he a ghost? The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
Ann: No. Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters, while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
Ann: This is why we don't hang out.

Ann: I just keep getting outbid by someone named "Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister." What kind of name is Tie-ree-on anyway?
Donna: You're kidding, right? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The Half-Man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
Ann: No. You do?
Donna: Hell yeah. Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it. Everybody on that show can get it.
Ann: I think I know who I'm bidding against.

All: Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!
Leslie Knope: Article Two, Section Two of the Pawnee Charter reads, "Be it decreed: Should the taxation of tea rise to an unacceptable level, citizens shall dump Ted into Ramsett Lake." [all cheer] Does anyone object?
Ted: As always, I object.
Garth Blundin: Nay, enough dithering! Dump the miscreant! Boo! [all cheer]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Today is Ted Party Day, where we commemorate the great Pawnee tea dump of 1817. Historical fun fact: when the Founding Fathers wrote the charter, their old-timey script made one of the "a"s look like a "d," so "tea" became "Ted." It's just one of those little things that reminds us of Pawnee's rich and vibrant past. Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw him in a lake.

Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
Ben: You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?
Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a Breakfast Day too? Mine's in June.

April: Can you guys just figure out which way is better and tell me so we can leave?
Chris: Thank you for your input, April, but the CTMTS requires that we follow a very specific syllabus.
April: You're not being very inclusive, Chris. I feel like my input isn't being appreciated. You've killed my spirit. My spirit blood is on your hands.
Chris: My God, I've taught you so much already.

Chris: Another fascinating edition of CTMTS. We may never know conclusively which way works better. But I do know this, when we first started the seminar, I hoped to be able to engage you in the process. And by that measure I succeeded.
Ron Swanson: And I predicted that I would learn nothing from this process. Mission accomplished.
Chris: What did April write?
Donna: Where is April?
Ron Swanson: "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy. Oh, and I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun." I think April will be a fine manager.
Chris: I agree.
[aside to camera:]
April: It's my favorite kind of battle. Two men enter, one me leaves.