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‘Article Two’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Article Two

519. Article Two

Aired April 18, 2013

When Leslie aims to remove some of the town's outdated laws, she encounters opposition from local history buff Garth Blundin (guest star Patton Oswalt). Meanwhile, Ann and Ben compete over a gift for Leslie, and Chris gives April and Ron a management training course.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

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Quote from Ann

Ann: JJ's diner put an old waffle iron up for auction. It's the perfect breakfast day gift for Leslie.
Donna: "Breakfast day"?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Leslie has anniversaries for everything. "Zoo day," first time we went to the zoo together. "Double date day," it was the first time we went on a double date. "Daniel Day-Lewis day." "Talk-like-a-pirate day." "Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate day," which why and how? This calendar was last year's calendar day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar.

Quote from Tom

Garth Blundin: Yeah, nothing warms the blood like an old whirly-bout with the old butter-gyre, eh, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: Indeed. Man, this guy's tougher than I thought.
Tom: I don't know how either of you guys are doing this. One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Got it.
Leslie Knope: Okay, now let's not read anything. That's an invasion of his privacy. Let's just look at his browser history and his inbox and his outbox and his Facebook page.
Andy: Yeah, he doesn't have any new emails.
Tom: Oh, my God. It's true. He hasn't gotten an email in... 12 days! Is he a ghost? The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Quote from Donna

Ann: I just keep getting outbid by someone named "Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister." What kind of name is Tie-ree-on anyway?
Donna: You're kidding, right? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The Half-Man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
Ann: No. You do?
Donna: Hell yeah. Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it. Everybody on that show can get it.
Ann: I think I know who I'm bidding against.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
Ann: No. Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters, while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
Ann: This is why we don't hang out.

Quote from Leslie Knope

All: Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!
Leslie Knope: Article Two, Section Two of the Pawnee Charter reads, "Be it decreed: Should the taxation of tea rise to an unacceptable level, citizens shall dump Ted into Ramsett Lake." [all cheer] Does anyone object?
Ted: As always, I object.
Garth Blundin: Nay, enough dithering! Dump the miscreant! Boo! [all cheer]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Today is Ted Party Day, where we commemorate the great Pawnee tea dump of 1817. Historical fun fact: when the Founding Fathers wrote the charter, their old-timey script made one of the "a"s look like a "d," so "tea" became "Ted." It's just one of those little things that reminds us of Pawnee's rich and vibrant past. Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw him in a lake.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ted: Okay, fine. You want to enforce every single old law we have on our books? Hey, can I see your keys for a second? Here's a quarter. I own your car now.
Tom: Wha--
Ted: Sorry. The Pawnee Charter clearly states that any white citizen has the right to seize any Indian property for 25 cents.
Leslie Knope: That is an outdated and racist law. And obviously they meant "American Indian."
Ted: Whoa, I think we should be careful when we speculate what the Founders intended when they wrote the charter.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Ted. I know what you're doing. You're quoting me back to me. But I'm gonna quote me back to you and say that Ted Party Day will never change.
Ted: Uh-oh. You, a woman, just raised your voice to a landowning male. According to a Pawnee statute passed in 1868, I get to do this. [cracks an egg on Leslie's forehead]
Leslie Knope: I was not aware of that statute.

Quote from Donna

Donna: What are you bidding on? It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow.
Ann: It is not.
Donna: Good. 'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls "dangerous and irresponsible."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I now realize that I was wrong, and it's time that we purged the books of many of our town's outdated and obscure laws. The bill that I have written with the full support of the city council will repeal 110 obsolete laws such as: Al menstruating women shall be confined to their bathtubs and Article Two, aka, Ted Party Day. The floor is now open for public comments. Oh, here we go.
Garth Blundin: Thank you. My name is Garth Blundin, and I object to your ridiculous proposal. The Pawnee Charter shall not be changed. Not today, not ever!
Leslie Knope: Wow, a lot of passion, Mr. Blundin. Thank you so much. Your objection is noted and officially in the record. Shall we proceed to a vote?
Garth Blundin: No. No, we shall not. Article Seven, Section Three allows for a "citizen filibuster." If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, you are prohibited from voting on the bill.
Leslie Knope: That section defines "Buffalo meat" as acceptable currency.
Garth Blundin: Is that the Buffalo meat one?
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
Ben: You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?
Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a Breakfast Day too? Mine's in June.

Quote from April

April: Can you guys just figure out which way is better and tell me so we can leave?
Chris: Thank you for your input, April, but the CTMTS requires that we follow a very specific syllabus.
April: You're not being very inclusive, Chris. I feel like my input isn't being appreciated. You've killed my spirit. My spirit blood is on your hands.
Chris: My God, I've taught you so much already.

Quote from Tom

Andy: Oh, God. I hate this place.
Tom: Everything is old. Old things are dumb. It's like, just be new.
Leslie Knope: I don't know, Tom. I think there's some pretty cool things from back then.
Tom: That is a dope bonnet.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] There's no way I'm losing this contest. Old-timey dress? Check. Extensive knowledge about early prairie life? Right here. Rickets? Cured. Don't need to worry about rickets. Antiperspirant? Not allowed. Might get a little rough in there.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: I just don't think he's ever gonna quit. He has that look in his eye that Ben gets when he plays Risk.
Andy: Oh, wow. That is really good.
Leslie Knope: Andy.
Andy: No, I'm sorry. This tastes great. All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes. [gasps] Butter is my favorite food.
Leslie Knope: Well, then you're gonna love what I'm churning up. Take a look at-- Oh, my God. This is horrifying. Nobody eat that.

Quote from Ben

Ben: What's that?
Ann: Well, since I can't give her a waffle iron for breakfast day, I am making her a miniature Leslie out of breakfast food.
Ben: Good lord. Well, listen, I've been thinking. How would you feel about going in on the waffle iron together?
Ann: Seriously? That would be great, but whose holiday are we celebrating?
Ben: Well, I think I may have a plan that'll get us out of breakfast day and waffle day and all the other days without making us seem like ungrateful people who are annoyed at how amazing Leslie is.
Ann: Dude, whatever it is, I'm in.
Ben: Okay, great.
Ann: What should I do with this?
Ben: Just burn it and bury the ashes and pray it doesn't haunt you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Garth dropped his protest, and we were able to get rid of all the outdated laws in the town charter. I mean, the charter is a wonderful document, but we've had the benefit of almost 200 years of learning and advancing. Seems to me we ought to use it. I did not change Article Two, though. I just couldn't vote against a good, old-fashioned lake dunking. Though Garth and I did come up with a compromise that I think will make everybody happy.

Quote from April

Chris: Another fascinating edition of CTMTS. We may never know conclusively which way works better. But I do know this, when we first started the seminar, I hoped to be able to engage you in the process. And by that measure I succeeded.
Ron Swanson: And I predicted that I would learn nothing from this process. Mission accomplished.
Chris: What did April write?
Donna: Where is April?
Ron Swanson: "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy. Oh, and I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun." I think April will be a fine manager.
Chris: I agree.
[aside to camera:]
April: It's my favorite kind of battle. Two men enter, one me leaves.


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