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‘Jerry's Painting’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Jerry's Painting

311. Jerry's Painting

Aired April 28, 2011

Leslie goes on the offensive after Jerry's painting causes a stir at a local art festival. Meanwhile, when Ben moves into Andy and April's spare room, he tries to teach them how to be adults.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay, everyone, shut up! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I don't know how to explain it. Every time I look at it, I just think to myself, "What can't that centaur woman do?" Besides ride an escalator and drive a car. Art can be so magnificent.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So for my painting, I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths, the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag.
Ann: [clears throat] It's, uh, stunning.
Tom: It's breathtaking, Jerry.
Donna: Yeah. Really is.
Jerry: Wow. Thanks, guys.
Ann: Hey, Leslie, you should really come over here and look at Jerry's painting.
Leslie Knope: Oh. Oh, my God. That's me. Is that me?
Jerry: What? [chuckles] No. Oh, jeez, it does look like you.
Leslie Knope: You're just realizing that now?
Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry. Topless Leslie glued to a horse. [laughs]
Jerry: Okay, Leslie, I am just so, so sorry. Dyaphena, she is this powerful goddess. And I've been thinking a lot about powerful women. And subconsciously, I painted you. I'm sorry. I'm gonna take it right down.
Leslie Knope: No. Leave it up. I love it.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I've been staying at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months. It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls, delightfully unstable temperatures, and, as of yesterday, bedbugs. "Four stars!" says nobody.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That's a government joke.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I love setting people up. Here's my secret. I determine someone's best qualities, and then I find someone else with compatible qualities. And I bring them together.

Quote from Ann

Ann: You know what might make you feel better?
Leslie Knope: A hug?
Ann: Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?
Leslie Knope: Ugh.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I wish I could help you out, Benihana, but I can't. I have a one-bedroom. I can't have a dude sleeping on my couch if and when I bring home a lady.
Ben: Mm.
Tom: I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch.
Ben: Euch.
Tom: We sit down.
Ben: Okay. Yep.
Tom: Clap my hands. Lights dim.
Ben: I understand.
Tom: Boyz II Men...
Ben: Please stop.
Tom: Fades in.
Ben: Nope. Nope. You don't need to explain the ritual. I'm good.

Quote from April

Andy: This is awesomely perfect. Burly just moved in with his rich girlfriend, and we need help with the rent.
April: We have a couple house rules, though.
Ben: Yeah, sure. Of course.
April: You can't use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal usted. And no electricity after 6:00 P.M.
Andy: [laughs] She's joking. Okay. You can use as much free electricity as you want. It's free.
April: Couple more rules. If you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying. There's no noise allowed on Mondays and no TV after breakfast.
Andy: [laughs] She is lying again.
Ben: She is? 'cause it's hard to tell.
Andy: No. We leave the TV on all day long so burglars think that we're home when we're not, which is my idea that I'm trying to patent. So you want to move in tonight?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [to Orin] You forgot to paint a painting, son.

Quote from Tom

Ann: Oh, my God. The baby is Tom.
Tom: What?
Ann: This is easily my favorite painting ever.
Tom: What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared? All right, we got to take this down now.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Well, I'm glad someone's feeling good. They're gonna hang that painting in a public building where anybody can see it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe, which is not as cool of a vibe.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art contains a message. And the message of this painting is, "Get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Hello, I'm Perd Hapley and welcome to Ya' heard? With Perd. Today's show begins now. Is this art, or is it pornography? Here to answer this question is Parks and Recreation deputy director Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Perd, it is a beautiful work of art. Governments should not be in the business of censorship, especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.
Perd Hapley: But this is where the controversy of this story gets even more controversial. You are the subject of this painting. Half woman, half horse, with what some would say are human breasts.
Leslie Knope: I am not the subject. The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere. But it... It does look a little bit like me.
Perd Hapley: Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real?
Leslie Knope: No.
Perd Hapley: You absolutely sure?

Quote from Andy

Ben: Okay. So you always separate your lights from your darks.
April: That's racist.
Ben: And then you get your laundry d- Where's your laundry detergent?
Andy: Right. Here we are.
Ben: Okay. This is, uh, bubble bath. You guys, you wash your clothes in bubble bath?
Andy: Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.
Ben: No, it's not.
Andy: Well, they both make bubbles, so...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Public art commission, filled with hippies who love public art and sometimes weed. Jackpot.

Quote from Tom

Chris: I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Chris Traeger, and I am a big fan of art.
Tom: [clears throat] Council, I am not opposed to pornography. In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it. If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof. However, this... thing... is... disgusting... And wrong.
Chairman: Please let the record reflect that the fat baby is referring to the painting.
Tom: Hey! I am not a fat baby. I'm a small, slender man, similar to actor Taye Diggs. So let the record reflect that-- that I look like Taye Diggs.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Members of the Public Art Commission, good afternoon, and good art. [all chuckle] Every great society has always supported artistic expression. The Romans...
Marcia Langman: Perverts.
Leslie Knope: The Greeks...
Marcia Langman: Gay perverts.
Leslie Knope: To great societies in Europe.
Marcia Langman: Europeans.
Leslie Knope: There are some members of this Community that would like to demonize this painting. And when they do, they in fact demonize art itself. What is or isn't art is up to every free-thinking American to decide on their own.

Quote from Ben

Ben: You can handle this.
Andy: I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it?
Ben: No, I can't. I--I...Have a date.
April: Ooh, what's his name?
Ben: It's actually not- Uh, Chris set it up. Never mind. The point is, stick to the list, and you'll do great. I have total faith in you.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

Quote from Andy

Andy: This place is amazing.
April: Oh, my God, they have a thing that makes sherbet. We need five of those!
Andy: No, we need to stick with what's on the list. First things first, oven mitts. Where are the oven mitts?
April: Oh, my God. They have all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!
Andy: Nuh-uh.
April: Shake weight, Iron Gym, Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie, Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.
Andy: Honey.
April: Oh, my God.
Andy: Honey, honey, listen to me. Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen it on TV and put it in this cart right now. Iron gym? I am gonna get so buff.
April: Oh, my God. Marshmallow shooter.
Andy: Marshmallow shooter! Get two.
April: Wait, what about the Magic Bullet?
Andy: Yeah. I've seen that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What? What's wrong?
April: Nothing. It's just adults are boring, and I hate them. And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring, adult stuff and become boring adults.
Andy: Hey, listen to me. Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board. But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
April: You're gonna make me cry.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marcia Langman: I'm glad you finally came to your senses. I know that's not an easy journey for you to make.
Leslie Knope: Let's take a look at it first, shall we?
Tom: Whoa! It looks amazing!
Jerry: I had the artist paint over the Original.
Leslie Knope: Feel free to destroy it.
Marcia Langman: No!
Leslie Knope: But I think you'll find no one could possibly be offended, unless, of course, they have a problem with centaurs having modern haircuts.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: There were many kinds of Greek goddesses. Some were lovers. Some were warriors. And some were tricksters.

Quote from Tom

Donna: Nice job, Jerry.
April: You look like Enrique Iglesias.
Jerry: Just wish I had more time.
Tom: Why? This is amazing. It looks like me, and I look awesome.
Andy: Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs?
April: Yeah, where's your penis?
Tom: Damn it, Jerry!

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Gayle, I know Jerry is your husband. Look, I can promise you there's absolutely nothing going on between us. No, no, I did not pose for that painting. But thank you for thinking I did. Okay, well, sure. Hold on.
[later:]
Tom: [on the phone] Gail, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about. Okay? I'm not gay, neither is Jerry, and I didn't pose for him. I promise you, hon, Jerry only has eyes for you. And poundcake... am I right? [laughs]


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