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‘One Last Ride (Part 2)’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: One Last Ride (Part 2)

713. One Last Ride (Part 2)

Aired February 25, 2015

Leslie and her former colleagues gather in Pawnee for one last job, fixing a swing in a local park.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[Pawnee, 2022:]
Trevor Nelsson: Despite the recent financial crisis, Very Good Building Company will finish fiscal year 2022 in excellent financial shape, thanks in large part to the stewardship of your chairman, Ron Swanson. Mr. Chairman, would you like to say a few words?
Ron Swanson: I resign as chairman, effective immediately.
Trevor Nelsson: Uh, would you like to explain why?
Ron Swanson: No.
Lon Swanson: Should we discuss your retirement package?
Ron Swanson: Just give me whatever the board thinks is fair.
Lon Swanson: Agreed.
Vaughn Swanson: Best of luck.
Ron Swanson: Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself.
Trevor Nelsson: What just happened?

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Quote from Ron Swanson

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
Leslie Knope: Ron, your family is beautiful.
Ron Swanson: They're a handsome bunch. Diane and I are especially proud because Ivy was just accepted at Stanford University.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Ben: Yeah, it's gonna cost an arm and a leg. You take my advice?
Ron Swanson: I did. Thank you, again. I sold some of my gold and officially diversified my portfolio.
[flashback:]
Scottish Man: Congratulations. You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.
Ron Swanson: Pleasure doing business with you.
Scottish Man: And with you.
All: Sláinte.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[Pawnee National Park, 2022:]
Leslie Knope: Let's go meet your staff. Pawnee National Park rangers, this is Ron Swanson, your new superintendent and boss.
Ron Swanson: Rangers, my name is Ronald Ulysses Swanson. Your job and mine is to walk this land and make sure no one harms it. If you show up on time, speak honestly, and treat everyone with fairness, we will get along just fine. Though hopefully not too fine, as I'm not looking for any new friends. End of speech.
Leslie Knope: Well said.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: You're welcome, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Okay. Time to go to work.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Washington, D.C. 2025:]
Ben: This is a nice house.
Leslie Knope: You say that every time we're here.
Ben: I'm just trying to distract you, so you don't have a nervous breakdown.
Leslie Knope: I think I am past that point. You don't have to worry about me anymore.
Joe Biden: Hey, folks, welcome back. Great to have so many good friends and colleagues. We're looking forward to a great conversation and a good dinner.
Jill Biden: As usual, there's only one rule: No shop talk. So if you want to discuss politics, you're gonna have to wait until after dinner. I'm looking at you, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, as long as we get to play charades later.
Joe Biden: [chuckles] Okay. Last time we played charades, she spent 3 1/2 hours here.
Jill Biden: You're just mad 'cause you lost.
Joe Biden: Oh, come on.

Quote from Ben

[Washington, D.C. 2025:]
Jennifer Barkley: Need the congressman. This is time-sensitive.
Ben: Hey, Jen, I didn't know you were here.
Jennifer Barkley: I'm everywhere. You want to be governor of Indiana?
Ben: What?
Jennifer Barkley: Colquitt's not gonna run again. It's a rumor for now, but my gut says it's for real. You're the perfect candidate. Local hero, state government experience, blah-blah-blah- blah-blah-blah-blah. I mean, the only potential problem is that devastatingly nerdy "Cones of Dunshire" thing.
Ben: Uh, that's a problem? I'm sorry, but it's the ninth-highest selling multiplayer figurine-based strategy fantasy sequel game in history. Please don't bail on me because of what just happened.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
Ron Swanson: I suppose I had simply accomplished everything I wanted to, and there seemed to be little point in continuing.
Leslie Knope: So what do you want to do now?
Ron Swanson: Well, that's the problem. I'm not sure. My kids are growing up. My days in an office feel like a waste. I would like to turn my attention to something... that would make me feel useful, but for the life of me, I cannot figure out what. And there are not many people- I mean, we were workplace proximity acquaintances for many years, and so I thought... I thought maybe...
Leslie Knope: Say no more, you big softie. I'm gonna spend every waking moment trying to figure this out for you. You want to stay for dinner? We're having steak.
Ron Swanson: Mm?
Leslie Knope: But we're also hosting several members of the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs.
Ron Swanson: I'll take that steak to go, please and thank you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Pawnee National Park, 2022:]
Leslie Knope: Hey, there you are. Thanks for meeting me here.
Ron Swanson: Well, if you'd have held them here instead of that conference room, I would have come to more meetings. I got to tell you, Leslie, establishing this national park right next to Pawnee is quite an accomplishment. This is a fine piece of land you saved.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. You want to run it? The superintendent of Bryce Canyon retired, and I convinced the superintendent of this park to transfer, shuffled a few things around. The point is someone needs to take care of this place now. Thought it should be you.
Ron Swanson: I... Well, first of all, I would be working for the federal government.
Leslie Knope: Your job would be to walk around the land alone, you'd live in the same town you've always lived in, you'd work outside, you'd talk to bears. Next argument?
Ron Swanson: There must be dozens of people gunning for this job. I wouldn't want you to ruffle any feathers. Am I even qualified?
Leslie Knope: Well, a few people might be annoyed, but they'll get over it. And as far as your qualifications, you're Ron Swanson. Stop being a dummy and accept.
Ron Swanson: When do I start?
Leslie Knope: Oh, today. I already accepted for you. I still remember how to forge your signature.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Leslie Knope: You know, now that I'm here, it's giving me an idea about this governor thing. Maybe we need fresh eyes, you know, other people to weigh in. We should talk to Ron or Tom or April or Donna or Andy even. Sometimes he can be wise.
Ben: Oh, good idea. Let's call them. Or you know what else we could do? Just talk to them in person.
All: Surprise!
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow.
Ben: It's what you wanted, right, everyone in the same room at same time?
Leslie Knope: I can't believe you. We're all here together in the same room... in this room. I don't think I could be happier right now.
Ben: Want to bet?
Ann: Hi.
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ann's here! Ann. Ann's here!

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Leslie Knope: Your hair looks amazing, by the way. You look like a cartoon princess.
Ann: Oh, thank you! That's from the pills I was telling you about.
Leslie Knope: I took some of those, but I don't know, they didn't do anything, and they kind of upset my stomach.
Ann: No, no, no. You're supposed to crack them and leave them on your hair overnight, not eat them.
Leslie Knope: Oh, no. Well, it's confusing 'cause they're delicious.

Quote from April

[Pawnee, 2025:]
April: Hey, Oliver. Hey, Leslie. Hello, Ann.
Ann: Hi, April.
April: Your kids are, like, surprisingly awesome.
Ann: Thank you.
April: Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night?
Ann: Once again, they are my biological children.
April: Once again, I don't believe you.

Quote from Chris

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Leslie Knope: Ann, you rainbow-infused space unicorn. Ann, you beautiful, sassy mannequin come to life. Ann, you opalescent tree shark.
Chris: Leslie, you are the master of the metaphor.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Chris: I recently compared her to a nutrient-rich chia seed.
Leslie Knope: What's that thing on your wrist?
Chris: Oh! [electronic beeps]
Male Voice: You are extremely healthy.
Chris: I do that literally 50 times a day.
Leslie Knope: Aren't you afraid that thing might give you cancer?
Chris: Well, I am now.

Quote from Tom

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Ron Swanson: Tom! I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a "Ron."
Tom: Ha! I'm usually a "Tom," but sometimes I'm a "Donna."
Ben: Last time I took it, I was a "Tom."
Tom: What? No. No, no, no! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.

Quote from Ben

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody, gather around. First of all, I just have to say that all of you in the same room at the same time with your children here, it's like it's the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of America. And secondly, Ben and I have an announcement.
Ben: Leslie's running for governor of Indiana.
All: What?
Ron Swanson: Bully for you, Knope.
April: That's amazing.
Ben: Yeah, she got approached by the DNC, and they think she has a great shot to win. Indiana native, supremely qualified, and she wrote that she wanted to be governor in her kindergarten dream journal. Just makes sense.
Leslie Knope: So I'm running for governor.
All: Yeah!

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Pawnee, 2025:]
Leslie Knope: Ben is gonna be running my campaign because he's a super genius, and he's got a tight, compact, little body like an Italian sports car. But right now I'd like to make a toast. When we worked here together, we fought, scratched, and clawed to make people's lives a tiny bit better. That's what public service is all about... small, incremental change every day. Teddy Roosevelt once said, "Far and away, the best prize that life has to offer is a chance to work hard at work worth doing." And I would add that what makes work worth doing is getting to do it with people that you love.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Indiana University, 2035:]
Leslie Knope: I started my career more than 30 years ago in the Parks and Recreation Department right here in Pawnee, Indiana. I've had a lot of different jobs including two terms as your governor, and soon a new, unknown challenge awaits me, which to me, even now, is thrilling because I love the work. Not to say that public service isn't sexy, because it definitely is, but that's not why we do it. We do it because we get the chance to work hard at work worth doing... alongside a team of people we love. So I thank those people who've walked with me, and I thank you for this honor. Now, go find your team, and get to work. [applause]
Josephina: In addition to Governor Knope's honorary doctorate from the School of Public Policy, in recognition of all she's done for the people of Indiana, the campus library will henceforth bear her name. [applause]
Leslie Knope: [under breath] A [bleep] library?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Oh, the lighting's all wrong. I'm gonna send you a glamour shot. Just Photoshop me in later.

Quote from April

April: I'm not gonna show up in that picture anyway because I'm a vampire.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, MD?
April: Where did you get that?
Andy: I found it in the sandbox.
April: Ew!
Donna: Go Macklin. Macklin's the hottest.


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