Ron Swanson: [aside to camera:] For the last three years I have served as troop leader of the Pawnee Rangers. This is our handbook. [Ron opens a single-sheet pamphlet which reads "#1. Be a man."] I wrote the whole thing myself.

Ron Swanson: However, the Pawnee Rangers were founded because some boys want to go out into nature and learn traditional survival skills without being distracted by girls.
Leslie Knope: Well, my awesome goddesses don't want to be distracted by losers. Say my club is better, Ron. Say it. My club is better. Say it. Come on. Say it's better. Say it. Say it's better. Say my club is better. Say it. Give it up. Whose club is better? Mine. Say it. You know it. Say it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: On principal, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say. My first wedding ceremony took two hours, because after the priest said "Repeat after me" I fell silent.

Tom: Three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self.
Both: [sing] Treat yourself 2011.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna: Clothes.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fragrances.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Massages.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Mimosas.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yourself!
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
Both: [sing] The best day of the year.

Leslie Knope: Attention, everyone. Welcome to wonder weekend's first-ever public forum. Our topic today? Should the amazing goddesses take pity on the once-powerful Pawnee Rangers, and let them into our clearly superior organization? Ron, your opening statement.
Ron Swanson: This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Powerful stuff.

Ben: I've been auditing the budget, and I noticed you're way behind on your paperwork. Uh, Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.
Jerry: Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Donna: Yeah, we kinda do our paperwork at our own speed.
Ben: Oh, really? Well, I kinda need you to do it at my speed.
Donna: Fine, I'll do them. What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee. But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here. Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub. This is expired.

Leslie Knope: Come on, goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by proving that we were better than them.
Abigail: I disagree.
Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say that there's no better solution for a hot-button issue than a good ol'-fashioned public forum.
Leslie Knope: [quietly] Great idea, Lauren.
Lauren: What was that?
Leslie Knope: I said, "great idea, Lauren."
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud. 70/30.

Leslie Knope: Okay. Let's open up the floor to debate. Who- Yes, Abigail.
Abigail: Isn't it like Brown vs. The Board of Education? Separate but equal is never really equal. We should let the boys in.
Leslie Knope: Mmm, interesting. Casey?
Casey: I disagree. I think there's a benefit to educating the genders separately.
Leslie Knope: I see where you're coming from. Let's hear from a ranger. Anyone? Darren?
Darren: It's cold and dirty out here. And you guys have candy. I want the candy.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The goddesses are making some well-informed statements, but the most compelling point is from Darren, about the candy. We have amazing candy in there.

Ron Swanson: Rangers, as a reward for coming on this trip, I have gotten you each two gifts. Go ahead. Open 'em.
Boy #1: What is this?
Ron Swanson: That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make "art."
Boy #2: What's the second gift?
Ron Swanson: The second gift is the box itself. You have 10 minutes to assemble a shelter using only your two gifts. Go.

Tom: Welcome to Nirvana, the Plaza at Eagleton. There's a reflecting pool out back, there's an old-timey train that runs through the mall, and three Burberrys. If you tell your friend, "Hey, meet me at Burberry," they gotta specify which one.

Ann: Wait, I got something. Oh.
Darren: Cool! Awesome! Nice!
Ann: Thanks, D-money.
Darren: What kind of bait did you use?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I bought this mackerel at the supermarket. I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me. That came out wrong.