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37Quotes from ‘Pawnee Rangers’

Parks and Recreation: Pawnee Rangers

404. Pawnee Rangers

Aired October 13, 2011

Leslie and Ron take their respective boy/girl youth groups, Ron's Spartan Pawnee Rangers and Leslie's fun-oriented Pawnee Goddesses, away for the weekend. Meanwhile, Tom and Donna invite a still heartbroken Ben to join them on their annual "Treat Yourself" outing.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera:] For the last three years I have served as troop leader of the Pawnee Rangers. This is our handbook. [Ron opens a single-sheet pamphlet which reads "#1. Be a man."] I wrote the whole thing myself.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: However, the Pawnee Rangers were founded because some boys want to go out into nature and learn traditional survival skills without being distracted by girls.
Leslie Knope: Well, my awesome goddesses don't want to be distracted by losers. Say my club is better, Ron. Say it. My club is better. Say it. Come on. Say it's better. Say it. Say it's better. Say my club is better. Say it. Give it up. Whose club is better? Mine. Say it. You know it. Say it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: On principal, I never say anything that another person is obviously trying to get me to say. My first wedding ceremony took two hours, because after the priest said "Repeat after me" I fell silent.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self.
Both: [sing] Treat yourself 2011.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?
Donna: Clothes.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fragrances.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Massages.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Mimosas.
Tom: Treat yourself.
Donna: Fine leather goods.
Tom: Treat yourself!
Donna: It's the best day of the year.
Both: [sing] The best day of the year.

Quote from Ben

Ben: I've been auditing the budget, and I noticed you're way behind on your paperwork. Uh, Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.
Jerry: Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Donna: Yeah, we kinda do our paperwork at our own speed.
Ben: Oh, really? Well, I kinda need you to do it at my speed.
Donna: Fine, I'll do them. What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee. But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here. Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub. This is expired.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Come on, goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by proving that we were better than them.
Abigail: I disagree.
Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say that there's no better solution for a hot-button issue than a good ol'-fashioned public forum.
Leslie Knope: [quietly] Great idea, Lauren.
Lauren: What was that?
Leslie Knope: I said, "great idea, Lauren."
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud. 70/30.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Attention, everyone. Welcome to wonder weekend's first-ever public forum. Our topic today? Should the amazing goddesses take pity on the once-powerful Pawnee Rangers, and let them into our clearly superior organization? Ron, your opening statement.
Ron Swanson: This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Powerful stuff.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay. Let's open up the floor to debate. Who- Yes, Abigail.
Abigail: Isn't it like Brown vs. The Board of Education? Separate but equal is never really equal. We should let the boys in.
Leslie Knope: Mmm, interesting. Casey?
Casey: I disagree. I think there's a benefit to educating the genders separately.
Leslie Knope: I see where you're coming from. Let's hear from a ranger. Anyone? Darren?
Darren: It's cold and dirty out here. And you guys have candy. I want the candy.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The goddesses are making some well-informed statements, but the most compelling point is from Darren, about the candy. We have amazing candy in there.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Rangers, as a reward for coming on this trip, I have gotten you each two gifts. Go ahead. Open 'em.
Boy #1: What is this?
Ron Swanson: That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make "art."
Boy #2: What's the second gift?
Ron Swanson: The second gift is the box itself. You have 10 minutes to assemble a shelter using only your two gifts. Go.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Welcome to Nirvana, the Plaza at Eagleton. There's a reflecting pool out back, there's an old-timey train that runs through the mall, and three Burberrys. If you tell your friend, "Hey, meet me at Burberry," they gotta specify which one.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Wait, I got something. Oh.
Darren: Cool! Awesome! Nice!
Ann: Thanks, D-money.
Darren: What kind of bait did you use?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I bought this mackerel at the supermarket. I've been standing in the water with the fish on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me. That came out wrong.

Quote from Donna

Ben: Oh, my God!
Tom: Hi, Donna.
Donna: Hey. Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back, and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in your base.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Swansons! Are you prepared for whatever lies ahead?
All: Yes, sir.
Ron Swanson: Before we proceed, do any of have any dietary restrictions? [all shake heads] Correct, you do not. First outing is right now. I will be teaching you to dig a proper trench. Does that sound like something you want to do?
All: Yes, sir.
Ron Swanson: This will be no fun at all.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Gentlemen. Wildeness weekend is upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no Internet pads. This weekend you have two parents: Me and Mother Nature.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, it's time to give out the badges. Um, let's see. Emily, you get the badge for most community service. [applause] To Casey, the best penguin blog badge. [applause] To Abigail, flyest hairstyle. And Ann gets the badge for second-flyest hairstyle.
Ann: Oh! I wasn't competing for that.
Leslie Knope: I'll say.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Five years ago, a plucky fifth-grader wanted to join the Pawnee Rangers, but their executive council said what obnoxious jerks always say. "No. This is males-only. Go start your own club." She couldn't. So I did. We're called the Pawnee Goddesses, and we're freakin' awesome.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron, whose club do you think is better, yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.
Ron Swanson: It's not a competition.
Leslie Knope: Oh, but it is. Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [as a Southern belle] Oh, my stars. I'm just a little lady. My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors.
Ron Swanson: I have no problem with strong women, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Who's Leslie? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf, and, y'all, I just fall to pieces when the sun shines on my hair--ed.

Quote from Donna

Donna: I got a question.
Tom: Mm-hmm?
Donna: What do you think about inviting Ben to come along with us today?
Tom: What? No! This is our thing.
Donna: But he really seems like he could use a day off. He's like a skinny little rubber band that's about to snap in half.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This homemade bulgogi is so delicious, Kayla. This is the best Korean food I've ever had. I would say it's almost as good as lukewarm beans from a can. Right, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I'm trying to teach my boys about rationing food, and your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.
Leslie Knope: Goddesses, let's go over our schedule for this afternoon. We have hiking, and then capture the flag, and then a puppet show about the Bill of Rights set to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus, and then we have lasso training, and a s'mores-off.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Come on, rubber band. Come with us.
Ben: What? What are you--
Donna: No arguing. And no soup in the Benz. Get in.
Ben: Wha? What? What is happening right now?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I did it! My club is officially the best club. I would give myself a merit badge that says "Best Club Founder," but I don't have one, so I'm going to give myself "Prettiest eyes" as a placeholder. I secretly always wanted this badge, so it works out great.

Quote from Ben

Woman: Just relax and don't move.
Ben: Okay. Ah... This is the most stressed-out I've ever been in my life.
Tom: Ben, listen. I'm gonna talk to you about things you like to take your mind off the needles, okay? Accounting. Trigonometry. Stamps, probably.
Ben: More of a rare coins guy. Help me. Help me!

Quote from Ben

Donna: I really want this dress, and I like this crystal beetle, but it's expensive and there's no use for it.
Tom: Donna Meagle? Treat yourself. Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere-velvet candy cane.
Donna: Treat yourself.
Ben: I mean, this is insane.

Quote from Ben

Tom: Man, did you buy anything for yourself today?
Ben: Yeah, I got this pack of socks.
Tom: Plain white socks? That's not a treat! Donna! Get me away from him.
Donna: Look. Maybe this is our version of treat yourself day and he needs to do his version.
Tom: What are you talking about?
Donna: Wyatt, if you could blow big money on one thing - not sock money - what would it be?
[cut to Ben in a full Batman costume:]
Tom: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! This is a whole new level of nerd.
Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?
Tom: Wait. No, no, no, no. I mean that in a good way, Ben. Listen to me, you're part of the treat yourself team now, okay? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it. And you're gonna wear it out of the store, okay? You're gonna treat yourself.
Ben: Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks, you guys. [crying]
Thank you. I really needed this. [sobbing] I'm gonna treat myself.
Donna: Uh-oh. Batman's crying.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey. Can I sit down? Look, I didn't mean for this to happen. I have a lot of respect for the Pawnee Rangers, even if they were jerks five years ago. You're not a jerk. You're a good troop leader.
Ron Swanson: Not for these times I'm not. It's taken me a while to see this, but these kids... I don't understand 'em. And they certainly don't understand me.
Leslie Knope: That's not true.
Ron Swanson: No, it is. And it's okay. People change. Their interests change. It's the way of the world. When did kids get so interested in fun?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: What are you doing here?
Lauren: We're here for the club.
Ron Swanson: That was last week.
Lauren: The ad says today.
Ron Swanson: Ad?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "Are you tough as nails? Would you rather sleep on a bed of pine needles than a mattress? Do you find video games pointless and shopping malls stupid? Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? Did you make the drum yourself? If so, you might just have what it takes to be a Swanson. Pawnee's most hardcore outdoor club starts today. Boys and girls welcome."


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