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‘Ms. Knope Goes to Washington’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

501. Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

Aired September 20, 2012

When Leslie and Andy visit Ben and April in Washington D.C., the power and prestige of the nation's capital makes Leslie feel like her work is insignificant. Back in Pawnee, Ron is tasked with hosting an employee appreciation barbecue.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay, let's begin the barbecue.
Chris: Oh, hey, little guy. What are you doing? Oh, no.
Ron Swanson: Everyone, meet your meat.
All: No!
Tom: Why are you doing this to us?
Ron Swanson: Well, in my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life. This is your dinner. His name is Tom.
Donna: [laughs] Burn.
Tom: Seriously?
Ron Swanson: I understand that it's hilarious, but that is his given, Christian name. Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal. He's basically a dog. A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.
Ann: Dude, there's kids around here.
Ron Swanson: Good point. Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder. You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

Quote from Tom

Donna: Where is Swanson?
Tom: Man, I'm hungry. My legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry: Just sit on the ground.
Tom: No, Jerry. It's dirty, and I'm wearing my summer linens.
Ann: God, you're such a baby. Look, I brought a picnic blanket from your house.
Tom: That's not a picnic blanket. That's a Merino wool throw for my Eames chair!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] My amazing lover, Ben Wyatt, is here working on a congressional campaign. And he took April with him as his intern. I'm here to visit, but I am also here to work, because I have a very important meeting where I am going to try to get federal funding so we can clean up the Pawnee river. It's a bit of a fixer-upper. Romantic reunions, government meetings, self-guided museum tours-- I mean, am I living the dream? I don't know. Did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae? Yes.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Every summer Leslie throws a barbecue to thank the Parks and Maintenance staff. It's horrifying. Barbecues should be about one thing. Good, shared meat.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: There will be no froofy desserts. There will be no giant-soap-bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no [bleep]ing vegetables.
Jerry: Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob?
Ron Swanson: [stares] No.

Quote from Tom

Donna: Uh-oh. Do I sense trouble in the Haverford-Perkins household?
Tom: No such luck, Donna. Ann and Tom, aka Haverkins, are stronger than ever.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Everyone said it wouldn't last.
Ann: And it didn't. Shocking that our drunken plan to move in together wasn't a success. After the first day, we realized we had made a huge mistake.
Tom: Huge.
Ann: However, everyone was being so smug about it, saying there's no way it would last, so we're pretending to still be together. That way, no one gets the satisfaction of being right, even though they are, but still.
Tom: More importantly, I bet Donna $1,000 that we'd be together for another month. I can't stress this enough. If she finds out that we broke up, I'll go bankrupt.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron, Chris Traeger feelings update. I'm now feeling that your guests are getting a little antsy.
Ron Swanson: Fine. I'll skip a few steps and speed things up.
Chris: There you go.
Jerry: Is there at least something to drink?
Ron Swanson: There's beer in the cooler.
Chris: What about for the children?
Ron Swanson: You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.
Ann: Why don't you just give the kids water?
Ron Swanson: I suppose you could do that. Now, would everyone please back off and just let me cook in peace?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love. Mmm. The first time is so beautiful.

Quote from Tom

Ann: Oh, my God. Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent?
Tom: Oh, yeah. I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one's called "Sparkle Suds." Dress loud.
Ann: Will you stop putting glitter in everything? This morning you put glitter in the butter.
Tom: "Disco Dairy." Spread the party.
Ann: No, that's not a good idea. That's terrible.
Tom: Well, the target demographic isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Kate: They say it will pass, but we'll only get $400 million instead of $900 million.
Ben: Kate works at the Pentagon and Lacey works for Eric Cantor.
Kate: What do you do, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: I was just recently elected. I'm a councilwoman.
Lacey: Local government is so important. My grandma's on the city council in her town. Gives her a reason to leave the house.
Kate: Where did you say you were from?
Leslie Knope: It's called Pawnee.
Lacey: Pawnee, Missouri? Oh, my. That is so random. I've been there. Totally cute.
Leslie Knope: Pawnee, Indiana. Pawnee, Missouri, is a total craphole.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I both did some amazing things today. He scored a victory for the congressional campaign he's working on. And I was mistaken for Beverly D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist. So, pretty big day for both of us.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Does anybody feel like they can't breathe? I think I need some fresh air.
April: We're outside.
Leslie Knope: God, these women. They're so smart and accomplished and pretty. And they're tall. Why are they all so tall? It's like C-Span and Neiman Marcus had kids or something.

Quote from Leslie Knope

John McCain: Excuse me. I just need to get my coat here.
Leslie Knope: [without turning around] Could you give me a minute here, please?
John McCain: Are you- Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Leslie Knope: I-I would like you to just leave and give me a little privacy here, please.
John McCain: All right. I'm sorry. I hope everything's okay.
Leslie Knope: [scoffs] Nosy people have no respect for personal space.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Andy: Are you okay, boss?
Leslie Knope: No. Not really. I know I should be focusing on this river cleanup, but all I keep thinking about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
Leslie Knope: [sighs] She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. I combined all of the giant, dark-haired, smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: So you can see that the color changes about 1/3 of the way up, and it's when construction was actually halted on the monu--
Andy: Leslie, this is a really cool penis, but Ben and April are meeting us at the Smithsonian in 10 minutes.
Leslie Knope: Let's talk on the way. 1776, a nation was born.
Andy: Which nation?

Quote from Chris

Chris: I know that Ron doesn't want us to eat anything before the meat, but I smuggled in some candy.
Tom: Oh, thank God. I'm starving. Raisins?
Chris: It's nature's candy. Now, they're basically grapes. So remember to pace yourself. I can't even follow my own advice. It's too delicious.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: Now take out your guidebook.
Andy: Oh, I didn't bring a guidebook.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I brought you one.
Andy: You did?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Andy: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Now throw it away, 'cause Leslie Knope is your guidebook. [Andy throws the book] I didn't-- I didn't mean literally. There were some notes in it. Okay, grab the book, and let's hit the National Mall.
Andy: There's a mall? That's awesome. I need to get some flip-flops.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: Why are we having a conference-room meeting? Leslie's gone.
Chris: Ron has taken initiative, and he is leading the meeting. [laughter]
Ron Swanson: He's not joking. I wanted to let you all know that I will be throwing the annual Parks Department employee-appreciation barbecue.
Donna: You're going to throw the Leslie Knope Employment Enjoyment Summerslam Grill Jam Fun-slposion?
Ron Swanson: That's right.
Tom: You are gonna oversee the Popsicle-eating contest, the slip'n slide-a-thon, the watermelon carving, the gazpacho-off, and star in a one-woman show about parks rules and regulations?
Jerry: "Parks and Dolls." [sings] I got your park right here, its name is Ramsett Park.
All: [sing] and its gates are open from dawn till dark.
Ron Swanson: I am not doing any of that, which is the point.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: "In this temple, as in the hearts of the people for whom he saved the Union, the memory of Abraham Lincoln is enshrined forever." Andy, what are you doing?
Andy: Have you ever seen any of the National Treasure movies? Everything in this city is a clue.
Leslie Knope: Nothing in that movie is accurate.
Andy: Aha! A clue! Check it out.
Leslie Knope: I think that's just gum.
Andy: How do I know this isn't a treasure map just waiting to be unfurled?
Leslie Knope: Because it's gum.
Andy: That's gum.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So I want to see the history of the Girl Scouts and then Lincoln's pocket watch and the First Ladies exhibit and everything... I want to see everything.

Quote from Tom

Ann: Oh, my God. Food. Food.
Ron Swanson: Yes, I am returned. No. Not so fast, Shirley. I just have to thaw the meat, season it, and grill it up. So it's going to be a few hours. [all groan]
Tom: No, Ron. My tummy's rumbling. It's scary. Tommy's got the tum-rums.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I are a power couple, like the Roosevelts or the Clintons. I've got a big meeting here. Ben is off running a congressional campaign. I mean, the only way we could be more awesome is if we had our own signature dance move. Oh, wait. We do. Three, four.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'm Leslie Knope. I have a 3:00 with Mr. Jepson.
Lucinda: What's this in reference to?
Leslie Knope: I'm here to present my application for the Federal Riverbed Preservation Grant.
Lucinda: Oh. Most people just mail their applications in.
Leslie Knope: [chuckles] I'm not most people.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Lucinda: Mr. Jepson actually had to step out for the day. You can just add your proposal to that pile there.
Leslie Knope: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I was told I would have a face-to-face meeting with him so I could make my case for my town. Does he have office hours?
Lucinda: He's unavailable for the rest of the week. But you can just add the proposal. He'll get to it.
Leslie Knope: Oh... Okay. It's kind of a special application. Uh, you know, there's a-a CD inside that, uh, plays the sound of a babbling river, and I was going to play that while I gave my presentation. I was also going to show a DVD that had some images of frolicking river otters.
Lucinda: You know what? I-I'll make sure he reads it. What city is it for?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee.
Lucinda: Is that Pawnee, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma, or Texas?
Leslie Knope: [softly] Indiana.

Quote from Andy

Ben: ell, I have a surprise for you. Uh, there's a swanky D.C. Cocktail party at the Hay-Adams, and I got us all on the list.
Leslie Knope: Wow, look at you. You're a big shot.
Andy: Hey, uh, Benjamin, how fancy is this party tonight? I mean, is this, like, a shorts or a pants kind of gala?
Ben: Pants.
Andy: Great. Could we just real quick stop at the nearest place that has free pants?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Ron, can I have a burger? I'm hungry.
Ron Swanson: For the last time, no burgers yet. I've got ribs, and I've got beef cheek.
Chris: Ron, where are my vegan soy patties?
Ron Swanson: Oh, I gave them to the kids. They love them. They're skipping them across the pond.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Jerry: Donna, I got to go to the boys' room. Can I have a ride in your car?
Donna: Absolutely not.
Tom: This barbecue stinks. I'm saying it. It stinks.
Ann: Do you have any plates or anything? I mean, how are we supposed to eat these rumps?
Jerry: Ron, if no one takes me to the bathroom, I'm just going to have to go in the trees.
Ron Swanson: All right. Forget it. [slams barbecue shut] You have ruined a perfectly good barbecue with your demands and chatter. [closes car trunk] Enjoy the rest of your evening. [drives off with barbecue]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Excuse me, Senators? Ben Wyatt, from Congressman Murray's campaign.
Barbara Boxer: Ben, I remember you from the Kennedy Center.
Ben: That's right.
Barbara Boxer: Yeah.
Ben: I wanted to introduce my friend Leslie Knope. Senators Barbara Boxer and Olympia Snow.
Olympia Snowe: A pleasure to meet you.
Leslie Knope: How do you do?
Barbara Boxer: So, Leslie, what do you do?
Leslie Knope: I am a city councilwoman from Pawnee, Indiana. But you've probably never heard of us. We're small and unimportant.
Olympia Snowe: I'm sure that's not true.
Leslie Knope: But it is. We've got tons of problems. We're overrun with raccoons and obese toddlers. Anyway, I'm probably boring you. I just wanted to say that you are my role models, and, uh, you are incredibly amazing women, and it is an honor to meet you, and I really respect your grace under pressure, [voice breaking] and thank you for your time.
Ben: Excuse me, Senators.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Uh, Leslie? Hello? What's going on?
Leslie Knope: Nothing. I'm just tired, okay? I saw 24 historical sights in a day, and it's 120 degrees out with 200% humidity, 'cause this is a stupid swamp town.
Ben: Okay, that would make anyone cranky.
Leslie Knope: I'm not cranky.
Ben: Okay. I thought you'd enjoy meeting numbers 4 and 26 on Leslie's list of amazing women.
Leslie Knope: I do. I did. You're the most amazing boyfriend ever. And if you don't get out of here soon, I'm going to punch you in the face.

Quote from Ann

Tom: Ann, what the hell?
Ann: [laughs] I put glitter in all your moisturizers and lotions. I'm calling it "Sparkle Skin", by Annie. Twinkle, twinkle, big star.
Tom: Ann! That is an amazing idea, and I will buy it from you, but never do that again. That was really expensive moisturizer.
Ann: Yeah, well, you ruined all of my clothes.
Tom: Well, then, I did you a huge favor, 'cause they stink.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Oh, hello, lovers.
Ann: Oh. Tom! You're amazing! Kiss me more!
Tom: Uh-huh.
Donna: All right. Enough of this. Y'all broke up a long time ago, didn't you?
Tom: No. We're stronger than ever, so...
Donna: It's all right. I'ma let y'all have this one. As someone who has lied a lot about various aspects of a myriad of relationships, I respect the effort you've gone to. Let's call off the bet.
Tom: Thanks, Donna.
Donna: No problem.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: I mean, Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
Andy: [laughs] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything's going to be fine with you and Ben, because if I know Ben, he, too, is an amalgam.
Leslie Knope: No.
Andy: Yeah. Point is, you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're kickass Leslie. Long-distance relationships are never easy, but you never, ever give up on stuff.
Leslie Knope: Thanks.
Andy: That's what makes you...
Leslie Knope: Nope.
Andy: An amalgam. Nailed it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: The White House, America's most whitest house, most notably is where Sinbad lived in the film First Kid.
April: Sinbad, wow. The other tour guide never said anything about that.
Andy: Do you know why it's called the Oval Office?
April: No.
Andy: Because of a man-- Oval Redenbacher...
April: What?
Andy: Popcorn inventor. He used to hang out with John F. Kennedy.
April: Excuse me. Attention, everyone. This tour guide is the most amazing tour guide there ever was. Please, step up. $200 cash up front.


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