Craig: Well, good night, everyone. I'm going to go home and feel totally fine. Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!
Donna: Why are you bummed?
Craig: Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro.
Tom: Look, man, you know your stuff, but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
Craig: I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!

Tom: Guys, this is the most important night of my life, which means it's the most important night of your lives too.
Craig: Speak for yourself. I once got into a cab that Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of.
Jean-Ralphio: No way, The Closer? Oof!

Craig: April, the new Parks interns start today, and I was wondering if you would deliver a little welcome speech.
April: No, go away.
Craig: Watermelon martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.
April: Why did you just say those weird things?
Craig: On the advice of my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, whenever I feel like yelling, I just take a deep breath and say three great things about being alive.
April: Gross.

Craig: Hmm. You should add "telling people what to do" to your "perfect job" description.
April: Good idea. You should up your therapy to seven times a week, stop dressing that way, and give me your wallet.
Craig: Victor Garber, James Garner, Jennifer Garner. I go alphabetical now.

Craig: What is this mess? Why are you all in my office?
Leslie Knope: We are on one last mission to help the people of Pawnee.
Ben: Craig, can you sign the requisition form? It'd speed things up.
Leslie Knope: You know, Craig, when I first met you, I thought, "There's a man who loves his job." And then I thought, "Oh, wow, he's intense." And then I thought, "Oh, no, he's insane. That person is psychotic, and I need to call the police."
Craig: Yeah, that's usually the way it goes.

Donna: Hi, I'm Donna.
Craig: Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it!
Donna: Wasn't gonna. You're Craig, right?
Craig: Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. Craig! Craig! I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.
Donna: Okay.
Donna: So here's my list of duties. I'm basically the office manager. How about you?
Craig: Oh, I did everything. Everything! I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

Donna: It's a bold flavor... fruity, a little earthy.
Craig: Well, which is it... fruity or earthy? It can't be both. They're mutually exclusive!
Donna: Oh, no! You do not come at me like that.
Craig: I'm sorry. I don't know who I am anymore. A man without a palate isn't a man. I love you, Donna.
Tom: What are you guys doing? There's people waiting out there!
Craig: We're having a moment, you monster!

April: You wanted to see me?
Craig: Yes, can you tell me where Jennifer is?
April: I convinced her to quit.
Craig: [sighs] Martha Stewarts apron line, my tomato plants... Oh, God, I'm out! Where is my emergency list?
April: Recently, I've been feeling like I've wasted the last ten years of my life, and it all started with this internship, and I don't want those kids to make the same mistake, okay?
Craig: April, you spent the last ten years doing amazing things with this Parks department, and learning from the greatest teacher in this or any business, Leslie freaking Knope! You'd be a checkout girl at a gas station if it wasn't for that internship. [sighs] Sweet potato pie, unlikely animal friend pairings, Jennifer Love Hewitt. You're lucky to have worked here, no matter what you want to do with the rest of your life. And I think you know that. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a new intern.

Lucy: So, I was thinking about the idea of going to Donna's wedding.
Tom: Wait. Before you say anything, I don't think you should go to Donna's wedding to supervise catering.
Lucy: Oh.
Tom: I want you to come with me as my date.
Lucy: Oh.
Tom: The thing is, you work for me, so it's probably kind of uncool for me to even ask. Which is why I signed these documents transferring day-to-day operations of Tom's Bistro over to Craig. He'll be your boss now. Not me.
Craig: It's about time. We're losing the cranberry salad, effective immediately.

Joe: We're gonna have orchids in all the pews, right? Because orchids are Donna's favorite flowers, and she's my favorite flower.
Donna: Ha ha! We real cute.
Craig: Of course there are gonna be orchids. Do you think this is my first time working a side job as a wedding planner for a former co-worker?
Joe: No?
Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control, but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words, "flowers," "schedule," "vows," "bride," "groom," "food," "love," "happy," "church," "event," "wedding," and "Craig."
Joe: I am so sorry, Craig. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.