Ben Wyatt Quotes Page 1 of 11

Quote from The Master Plan

Leslie Knope: I'm sorry that I yelled at you. All three times. But I don't think you know anything about my department. Have you ever been part of a government body before?
Ben: I have, yeah. Small town called Partridge, Minnesota.
Leslie Knope: Why does that sound familiar? You're Benji Wyatt?
Ben: I am.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town. And won. A little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion, I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18 year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground after two months and got impeached. The worst part was, my parents grounded me.


Quote from Flu Season

Leslie Knope: The time is now. The place is Pawnee. Let's make history. [applause]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals. That was... Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was... That was Leslie Knope.

Quote from Soda Tax

Ben: Hey, everybody. So, I've been going over your reports. Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay? There's a crazy amount of random font differences in these memos.
April: Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on.
Ben: Times New Roman, across the board. No Geneva, no Garamond, definitely no Papyrus.
April: Papyrus? Are you kidding me? There's no place for that in a professional office setting.
Ben: Yes! Thank you, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: These college interns really need to be whipped into shape, but don't worry, because they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."
Ben: And obviously make sure the content's perfect too. Oh, and, uh, 12 point. 13's just obnoxious. Great meeting.

Quote from Ann's Decision

Ben: You know what? I'm gonna go with the first place. I really loved that appetizer.
Chris: Oh, the mini-calzone?
Ben: I wouldn't call it that. It was more like a savory pastry. Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. Just a stunning culinary innovation.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It was a calzone.
Chris: It was literally just a small calzone.

Quote from Anniversaries

Jerry: Thank you so much for letting me help plan your anniversary. It is so wonderful to be part of such a special day.
Ben: Okay, remember, under no circumstances can Leslie know about what's going on. She has to make that face, do you understand?
Jerry: No, I don't fully, but my lips are sealed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I asked for Larry's help because he has the most successful marriage of anyone I know, to a gorgeous woman. Which, honestly, is still a mystery to me. Like, was it a hypnosis accident or something, where they put Gayle under and made her fall in love with Larry and never said the magic word to snap her out of it? Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she wake up and start screaming?

Quote from Camping

Ben: All right, I call this wonderful spot.
Jerry: You didn't bring a tent?
Ben: I don't really go camping, ever, Jerry, so I'm not gonna spend $150 on a tent. I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron Swanson: It's called the ground when it's outside.

Quote from Born & Raised

Tom: You gotta help me, man.
Ben: Why? Seems to be going the usual amount of gross.
Tom: No, this is way different. She's not married anymore. She had, like, five bottles of alcohol, she's callin' me "caramel." You've gotta throw some cold water on this situation. Start talkin' about nerd stuff.
Ben: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now. So when you use the word "nerd" derogatorily, means you're the one that's out of the zeitgeist.

Quote from The Cones of Dunshire

Ben: Presenting "The Cones of Dunshire," a brand-new gaming experience. 8 to 12 players. Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman. Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Ben: Now, the object is to accumulate cones. Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization. The other amazing thing is the challenge play. Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, 'cause you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first. Nah, never mind. The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the reverse. Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with. Oh, 16. Perfect, lots of choices. Okay, each turn goes: Roll, buy, action. I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game. But the corporal can veto. This should be green too. How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.
Leslie Knope: What is this called again?
Ben: "The Cones of Dunshire." Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits. How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right?
Leslie Knope: When do you go back to work again?
Ben: Tomorrow. It's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage.

Quote from Indianapolis

Ben: [aside to camera] You know, they always ask me to go out with them. They're just being polite. I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." Come on, Doug, who cares?

Quote from Pawnee Rangers

Ben: I've been auditing the budget, and I noticed you're way behind on your paperwork. Uh, Jerry, you haven't filled out a PC-10 form in two and a half years.
Jerry: Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Donna: Yeah, we kinda do our paperwork at our own speed.
Ben: Oh, really? Well, I kinda need you to do it at my speed.
Donna: Fine, I'll do them. What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I used to have one really good reason for staying in Pawnee. But now, I'm not sure what's keeping me here. Although, I am just two sandwiches away from a free meatball sub. This is expired.

Quote from The Comeback Kid

Chris: Hey, man, you want to go for a jog? Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs, get some endorphins going?
Ben: Oh, no, thanks, Chris. Kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
Chris: You know, Ben, I really think you need to take a step back here. I think getting some perspective would be good.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Chris: I've known you a long time. And, right now, you need help.
Ben: With my Claymaish?
Chris: With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I've accomplished. Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.

Quote from Leslie and Ben

Tom: We are gathered here tonight to join Leslie Knope and Benjamin Wyatt in marriage. It's been a long and winding road for these two lovebirds. And they're so impatient to begin their lives together they've moved their wedding date up three months. So I say, let's keep it short and sweet.
April: Yes, just do it already.
Tom: I assume, and hope, you prepared your own vows? Ben, you want to say some stuff about Leslie?
Ben: In my time working for the state government, my job sent me to 46 cities in 11 years. I lived in villages with eight people, rural farming communities, college towns. I was sent to every corner of Indiana. And then I came here. And I realized that, this whole time, I was just wandering around, everywhere, just looking for you.

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