Leslie Knope: I have stakeout supplies. This is stuff that we're probably going to need. We have notepads, pencils and pencil case. Shakable whipped cream. Cameras. Pork. And candy necklaces. It's like we're real police. And I made us a mix CD. It's all filled with songs about people watching people. It's mostly Sting. And look, I put our faces on there.
Tom: It's really cool.

Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
Tom: No. I'm from South Carolina.
Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
Tom: My mother's uterus.
Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
Tom: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
Leslie Knope: Where did the name 'Haverford' come from?
Tom: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani, and I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.
Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
Tom: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was going to be elected President, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I would like to be President someday, so, no, I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Leslie Knope: People have just really embraced this and planted the coolest stuff. And Tom is our master horticulturist. He knows all the scientific names for everything. Right, Tom?
Tom: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Like this. What's this, Tom?
Tom: Those are, of course, tomatoes, or Soulja Boy Tell 'Ems.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: And those over there?
Tom: Uh, those are some Diddys. Those are some Bone Thugs-n-Harmony-ums right here.
Leslie Knope: Growing beautifully.
Tom: Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
Leslie Knope: Look, someone planted something new. What's this? What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands. Maybe some kind of spice?
Tom: Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, just roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

April: Do you live here?
Ron Swanson: April?
April: Yeah. Do you live here?
Ron Swanson: No.
April: Catch. [throws a sharpie] Yeah, I thought so. I went home, but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you, so I came back.
Ron Swanson: It's just a minor medical issue.
April: AIDS?
Ron Swanson: No. I'm safe.
April: Blindness?
Ron Swanson: No.
April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
Ron Swanson: I have a hernia.
April: Do you have syphilis?
Ron Swanson: I said it's a hernia.
April: I know. It's possible to have two things.

Ann: I just want to check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I'm so fine with it, Ann. Seriously. It's so fine. As long as you and I are cool. You know my code. Hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses.
Ann: Got it.
Leslie Knope: Ovaries before brovaries.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it, successfully. But this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good, I got this.

Ann: [aside to camera] Leslie swears it's okay. So I'm going out with Mark. I got to get back out there. When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

April: Yo. I had to wait till my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?
Ron Swanson: I was born ready. I'm Ron [bleep] Swanson.
[later, April wheels Ron out down the corridor in his desk chair]
Ron Swanson: Easy. Care... Careful. Take...

Leslie Knope: Ron, did you get my texts?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Did you get my emails?
Ron Swanson: Mnm-mn.
Leslie Knope: Did you see that I paged you?
Ron Swanson: I did not.
Leslie Knope: Did you check your voicemail?
Ron Swanson: I didn't.