Ben: With current and projected deficits, we need to cut expenditures by 32%.
Ron Swanson: Let's make it an even 40.
Ben: Oh, that's not necessary.
Ron Swanson: [chanting] Slash it. Slash it.
Florence: Ron, a lot of people are going to lose their jobs. Do you mind trying not to gloat?
Ron Swanson: Yes. I do, Florence. I do mind that. I'm very excited about that. I made penants.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Chris: Ben, there was a big concert? Now there's not? Isn't there anything that we can do about that?
Ben: No, there isn't.
Chris: It's too bad. Sorry, Leslie. Damn! I have to go run ten miles.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I have run ten miles a day for eighteen years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

Chris: Ann Perkins!
Ann: Chris...Something.
Chris: Hi! I was just doing my daily lunchtime ten miles, and I ran by the hospital, and I thought I'd pop up and say hi.
Ann: Did you just start your run?
Chris: No, I'm already at mile nine.
Ann: But you're not sweating at all.
Chris: I know. I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Tom: Ron Corleone. This really attractive woman is my girlfriend, Lucy.
Ron Swanson: Hello, Lucy.
Lucy: Hi.
Ron Swanson: Whoa. Impressive handshake.
Lucy: Thanks. My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.
Ron Swanson: Well done, Tommy.
Tom: Is that bacon on your turkey leg?
Ron Swanson: They call it a Swanson. [eats]
Lucy: Wow.
Ron Swanson: Freddy Spaghetti!
Lucy: That guy rules.

Andy: It's quiet in here. Where is everyone?
Ron Swanson: The government has shut down. It's in every newspaper.
Andy: How long is it gonna last?
Ron Swanson: Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.
Andy: [sighs] Wow. That is really bad timing.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I just got this super-sweet-ass rad crotch rocket. I've always wanted one of these! But due to, you know, never having a job, I couldn't afford it until now. Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying like 12% interest. That's like one of the highest you can get.

Mark: [aside to camera] Recently, I had been thinking about maybe, um, leaving this job. But I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week that I was going to propose. The government got shut down, and yesterday... One of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors, so...

Leslie Knope: Ben, let's talk solutions.
Ben: Leslie, Pawnee is broke. There's no money for a concert. Okay? I mean, Idaho cut their parks department by 80%, and Idaho is basically one giant park.

Ann: You know? I'm just gonna stay away from all guys right now.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, less man time, more Ann time.
Ann: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Everyone needs a friend they can call and wake up in the middle of the night. Leslie's usually up. And often, she's already on her way over.

Andy: Will you just stop and listen to me?
April: No.
Andy: Fine, I don't want to talk to you anyways. Reverse psychiatry.

Leslie Knope: Well, I hope you're happy.
Ron Swanson: I am. I am extremely happy because I don't think we should be wasting taxpayer money.
Leslie Knope: It's not a waste to provide fun for kids. And I for one do not like having Freddy Spaghetti's blood on my hands.
Ron Swanson: I believe you mean, Freddy Spaghetti's space.
Leslie Knope: Ugh.
Ron Swanson: Mm. Burned my tongue. Don't even care.