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‘Gryzzlbox’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Gryzzlbox

705. Gryzzlbox

Aired January 27, 2015

Leslie and Ben try to highlight illegal data collection by Gryzzl as the company bids for the Newport land. Meanwhile, Craig asks April to talk to some interns at the Parks Department, and Tom acts as Andy's agent when the TV station claims the rights to Johnny Karate.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Announcer: This is The Perdples Court, a legal debate show about issues facing residents of Southern Indiana. With your host, Judge Perd Hapley.
Perd Hapley: Tonight, on The Perdples Court, we will have the guests that have been booked for tonight's show. The plaintiff, Leslie Knope, who has some big allegations against Gryzzl. The defendant, Gryzzl Vice President Roscoe Santangelo. Who will win? I don't know yet. Which is what makes this a court show.

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Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Now, Leslie, I understand that what you've brought to the show isn't a box of objects, but rather a symbolic box of allegations.
Leslie Knope: Well, Perd--
Perd Hapley: It's Judge Perd.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Uh, I think there are certain questions about certain aspects of certain parts of this situation that require an evaluation about whether or not this is or is not a valid argument.
Perd Hapley: Extremely well-put.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: If you're gonna sign a legally binding document, you need to read it thoroughly. That's why the only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's Steakhouse club card. And even then, I used a fake name. Les. Les Vegetables. [chuckles]

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: To be honest, Judge Perd is stumped by this case. I've also misplaced my judge hammer. I cannot render a verdict here. Therefore, I must declare a mistrial, which is a term I've heard people use in the movies. Tap, tap, tap. Case ended.

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] I started here when I was 20, and now I'm old and gross and directionless. Those kids are me ten years ago, and this internship is the videotape from The Ring. It's too late for me. I've seen too much. But maybe I can save them. You're all gonna die in here!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: As you requested, here's a picture of my son at a recent moment in his life.
Leslie Knope: So cute. [Ron takes the picture back and tears it up] What are you doing?
Ron Swanson: Protecting my son's privacy. What, I'm just gonna carry around pictures of my child where anyone could see them?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: We need to talk.
Ben: What is that?
Ron Swanson: This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.
Leslie Knope: I thought you didn't like to pass judgment on business--
Ron Swanson: The package was addressed to my son, who is four years old, and does not own a Gryzzl doodad. Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents, so I destroyed the robot. [metal clatters] No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. [thunder rumbles] I wanna help you take them down.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] I love being Andy's agent. He does all the work, and I get 10% just for showing up. It's like a chef at a restaurant, making all the food, and then the owner gets a profit, which is my other job! [chuckles] Man, I really got things figured out.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, you know what, dude? You gotta take your mind off of them. Check this out. It's a contract. It came from the station manager where I do my show, Johnny Karate. He wants me to sign it, but is says that they'll own the character, "Johnny Karate." And I want to own the character Johnny Karate, 'cause it's me.
Tom: Wait, this says they only pay you a hundred bucks a week?
Andy: Yeah, but all I really do is goof around all day. Write, produce, and direct a TV show. Plus, I act in it, and I do sets, props, wardrobe. At the end, I drive everybody home, so I mean, a hundred bucks a week... That's pretty fair.

Quote from Craig

Craig: April, the new Parks interns start today, and I was wondering if you would deliver a little welcome speech.
April: No, go away.
Craig: Watermelon, martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.
April: Why did you just say those weird things?
Craig: On the advice of my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, whenever I feel like yelling, I just take a deep breath and say three great things about being alive.
April: Gross.

Quote from Craig

Craig: Hmm. You should add "telling people what to do" to your "perfect job" description.
April: Good idea. You should up your therapy to seven times a week, stop dressing that way, and give me your wallet.
Craig: Victor Garber, James Garner, Jennifer Garner. I go alphabetical now.

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is perfect. I'll be your agent! I'll put all my energy into renegotiating your contract. I won't even think about Lucy and Conrad and his stupid crunches that he probably does. I should probably do some crunches. Let's go! Ow! Andy, my tum tum!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Leslie, open that box they sent you.
Leslie Knope: Ooh! Joe Biden's book, "Biden the Rails: 1001 Poems Inspired by My Travels Through Amtrak's Northeast Corridor."
Leslie Knope: A thousand? [gasps] A poster of the Supreme Court Justices sipping the Friends milkshake! This stuff is perfect for me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hello, everyone. We are here today to discuss Gryzzl, and whether or not they are invading our privacy.
Woman: They sent my husband three boxes of genital cream to his office. My husband's splotchy genitals are no one's business, except for his, mine, and his many genital doctors. [applause]
Pearl: They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars. That's my private hobby. No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars, except now all of you people.
Ben: Which one is that?
Pearl: This is actually Ham-uel L. Jackson from the movie, Pork Fiction, it's extremely rare, and I am keeping it. But still, they no right to give me something I will treasure the rest of my life.
Young Woman: I opened my box in front of all of my friends, and it was a bunch of Virginia Woolf novels. Now Miley and Haley know I like to read. What if they tell Evan?
Chance Frenlm: I like their phones, but they've gone too far sending this stuff to our houses. Gryzzl has no right to search our private data.
Leslie Knope: So wait, you guys are not against us on this?
Chance Frenlm: We're not against you on this. [chanting] We're not against you on this.
All: We're not against you on this.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Finally, after months of searching for a way to defeat Gryzzl, we have found its Achilles' heel. The town is behind us, Donna is on our side, and the next domino to fall? Ron Swanson. Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink, but, you know, close enough.
Pearl: Actually, I'm gonna need that back.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes, of course.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: February 2016, I think you're gonna really enjoy this month's photo album. It includes such hits as: "First Trip to the Dentist," "Sonia Tries Pizza," and "Waterpark Vomit Chain Reaction."
Ben: Why would you take pictures of that?
Leslie Knope: Why would you not?

Quote from April

April: What about you? Why are you here?
Jen: The only thing I love more than parks is recreation.
April: Really?
Jen: No, I just needed college credit.
April: What are you studying?
Jen: Nothing. College is stupid.
April: Then who made you do this.
Jen: My parents.
April: What are they like?
Jen: Well, my mom's the devil and my dad's a dumb doctor.
Mike: Oh, my dad's a doctor.
April: Shut up. Jen is it?
Jen: Yeah.
April: Let's take a walk, Jen. I feel like you have almost zero potential.
Jen: I think that's cool.

Quote from Tom

Hank: Let's make this quick.
Tom: Andy's show gets huge ratings in three cities. His GryzzlTube page has millions of views. If you don't Andy walking over to your rival station in Snerling, I think you should start taking this seriously.
Hank: Right. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna upgrade the parking spot. But my son gets a role as one of the kid ninjas. All right? He's gonna love me for it. It's gonna drive my ex-wife crazy.
Tom: So far, so good, but, uh, in the words of Jerry Maguire...
Andy: "The human head weighs 8 pounds."
Tom: No. "Show me the money."

Quote from April

April: Look, dude, this internship leads nowhere. It'll just screw up the rest of your life. What do you love doing?
Jen: Texting.
April: What did you want to be when you were little?
Jen: A scary mermaid that lures sailors to their death.
April: Okay, side note, I'm gonna file papers to adopt you as my child, so keep an eye out for that. But more importantly, don't do this internship. Go do something fun like trying to control birds with your mind or posting internet comments as Michael Jackson's ghost.

Quote from Craig

April: You wanted to see me?
Craig: Yes, can you tell me where Jennifer is?
April: I convinced her to quit.
Craig: [sighs] Martha Stewarts apron line, my tomato plants... Oh, God, I'm out! Where is my emergency list?
April: Recently, I've been feeling like I've wasted the last ten years of my life, and it all started with this internship, and I don't want those kids to make the same mistake, okay?
Craig: April, you spent the last ten years doing amazing things with this Parks department, and learning from the greatest teacher in this or any business, Leslie freaking Knope! You'd be a checkout girl at a gas station if it wasn't for that internship. [sighs] Sweet potato pie, unlikely animal friend pairings, Jennifer Love Hewitt. You're lucky to have worked here, no matter what you want to do with the rest of your life. And I think you know that. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a new intern.

Quote from Tom

Tom: So yeah, uh, do you want to talk about it?
Lucy: Thanks. I don't think I'm ready to discuss it just yet. But what I would like to do is have a glass of wine and talk about that shade Nicki Minaj threw at Jesse Eisenberg at the BAFTA awards.
Tom: Mm. He deserved it.
Lucy: No. he didn't!
Tom: Uh, settle in, because I have some very strong feelings about this.


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