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‘One Last Ride (Part 1)’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: One Last Ride (Part 1)

712. One Last Ride (Part 1)

Aired February 24, 2015

On their last day together in Pawnee, Leslie gets the old gang back together for one final task: fixing a park swing.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm gonna miss the food in Pawnee. Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, and most of all, I'm gonna miss you, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Aw, Andy, all of those things, including me, will still be with you in Washington.
Andy: That is a beautiful sentiment.

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Quote from April

[Halloween, 2023:]
Dr. Saperstein: All right, Ms. Ludgate, we're getting close.
Andy: Babe, you look more beautiful right now than I have ever seen you.
Dr. Saperstein: Wow. Just your luck that you're going into labor on Halloween. Can I get a warm towel to get that makeup off?
April: No! I want it on! That's the whole point. I put the makeup on after I went into labor.
Dr. Saperstein: Whatever blows your skirt up. Okay, you ready to push?
April: Wait, no. Babe, my birth mix.
[Monster Mash plays]
Dr. Saperstein: Here comes a contraction. Are you ready?
April: Okay, I'm ready. Let's do this.

Quote from Ben

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Ben: Well, there are always gonna be risks when you open new restaurants, but you've done your homework. All the numbers line up. Side note: I would again strongly recommend adding calzones to the menu.
Tom: Ugh. The worst.

Quote from Craig

Craig: What is this mess? Why are you all in my office?
Leslie Knope: We are on one last mission to help the people of Pawnee.
Ben: Craig, can you sign the requisition form? It'd speed things up.
Leslie Knope: You know, Craig, when I first met you, I thought, "There's a man who loves his job." And then I thought, "Oh, wow, he's intense." And then I thought, "Oh, no, he's insane. That person is psychotic, and I need to call the police."
Craig: Yeah, that's usually the way it goes.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Ethel Beavers, we need this filed, please.
Ethel Beavers: We've gone digital. Get with the times, you Luddite.
April: Man, of all the places in Pawnee, I'm gonna miss the fourth floor the most. The disturbing murals, the ominous lighting... the creepy people.
Kyle: Hi, April.

Quote from April

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
April: My love, we have to go. Just put all the candy in a bowl or something. What's wrong? Did you eat all the candy?
Andy: No.
April: Did you?
Andy: Yes. But that's not what's wrong. It's just, seeing all those kids out there... Babe... I want to put a babe in you, babe.
April: Andy, you know where I stand on this. Yes, I would love all the awesome stuff my body would go through. I mean, if all it meant was puking and getting weird stretch marks and veins everywhere, then sign me up. But at the end, we've brought a child into the world. That's disgusting.
Andy: No. They wipe all of the disgusting stuff off of it immediately.

Quote from Leslie Knope

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
Leslie Knope: Hey, always nice to see Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin in the mix.
April: What are you guys dressed as?
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm Sandra Dee O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor?
April: Who's Sandra Dee?
Andy: Who's Sandra Day O'Connor?
Leslie Knope: Forget it.

Quote from Andy

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
Andy: Hey, where are the kids at? I want to say hi and wrestle all three of them at once.
Ben: Oh, they're trick-or-treating in Georgetown with some friends. It's just us grown-ups tonight, no kids at all. [Andy slumps back in his chair] Hey, Andy, why don't you give me a hand in the kitchen?
Andy: So what do you need a hand with?
Ben: Oh, no, I just thought you might want to talk.
Andy: Whoa. Dude, that's really slick. Oh, man, that's some secret agent stuff right there.
Ben: So April's still on the fence about kids, huh?
Andy: Yeah, and I'm freaking out, man. I want kids so bad. You know, yesterday I was at the park, and I saw this group of eight-year-olds laughing, playing, having a good time. I almost started crying. Granted, I'd just face-planted on my rollerblades. That's what they were laughing at.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Which brings us to 2005... The Circle Park renovation was complete, and a young man named Thomas Haverford was still two years away from getting hired.
Ron Swanson: Perhaps we could skip ahead and just hit the highlights?
Leslie Knope: I mean, I planned a comprehensive retrospective, but I guess I can just focus on the really important moments. Ah! The debate about getting a pod-based coffee machine. Garry and I wrote a little musical number about that, and it goes a little something like thi--
April: Can't we just quickly shake hands, pretend we like each other, and get out of here?
Ron Swanson: I'm all for that.
Leslie Knope: No, April, Ron, we need to celebrate everything that we've done together as a group. This is our last day here! Who knows when we'll all be together like this again?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [sings] The vote was four to three Donna said to get rid of me But Ron was suspicious 'Cause my coffee was delicious.
Tom: Come on, Garry, you're the mayor now. Have some dignity.

Quote from Donna

Ben: Well, everything's paperless now, and none of us has a log-in, so can't access the computers.
Donna: Hang on. I have one right here, thanks to Leslie's scrapbook, "Thanks Form the Memories!"
Leslie Knope: Oh, I knew those scrapbooks were gonna come in handy. You came through like you always do. God, I'm gonna miss you. Your confidence, your joie de vivre, that crazy story about you getting kicked out of En Vogue.
Donna: Technically I kicked them out.
Leslie Knope: When do you leave for Seattle?
Donna: As soon as I get my local real estate license. I'm married to a teacher, and I love the man, but I also love diamond watches.

Quote from Donna

[Seattle, 2023:]
Joe: Wow. It sold in two hours?
Donna: You cannot beat the Seattle real estate market. I think it's all that coffee and legal marijuana has people wanting to buy houses quickly and irrationally.
Joe: Mm.
Donna: But the giant commission check has me thinking about Donna-Joe Adventure Quest.
Joe: Ooh, where are we going? Well, it can't beat last year. I mean, Middle Korea, so beautiful.
Donna: Here's my idea. The Amazon. Three weeks of the best and most expensive places South America has to offer.
Joe: I love it. Honestly, with the way work is going, I just need this right now. The school cut the math club and math. They just don't teach math anymore.
Donna: Aw, my poor little do-gooder teacher baby. Why don't we cuddle up on the couch, watch a movie, and then maybe later I'll wear that little red thing?
Joe: Yes. The red thing. Here, let me get this.
Donna: [beep] Call Satan's niece.
April: [on wrist phone] Hey, what do you want?

Quote from Donna

[Seattle, 2023:]
Donna: And this is me DJ-ing a boat party in Venezuela, kind of reminded me of the two weeks you and I spent there.
April: Oh, yeah, that happened.
Donna: Yeah, it did.
Joe: April. What are you doing here?
Donna: Babe, have a seat.
Joe: What's going on?
Donna: Recently I was thinking for the millionth time how lucky I am to have found you, so I've decided to treat yo' self.
Joe: You're gonna buy me a bunch of leather handbags?
April: Donna is going to take some of the money you usually use on your trips and establish an education program through the foundation I work for.
Donna: It's called "Teach Yo' Self," and you and the other teachers will get money for after-school programs, for music, art, math, whatever you want.
Joe: Baby, this is really generous, but I love our trips, and honestly it's your money. You should spend it how you want.
Donna: This is what I want. I've had a lot of adventures. I single-handedly started that doorknockers earring trend. I came in ninth in Italy's Got Talent. I served on a NASCAR pit crew. I want a new kind of adventure, and I want to take it with you.
April: Okay, I feel like it's time for me to get out of here.

Quote from Craig

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Craig: [sings] Funny, though it's true Those silly things you do They only bring me closer To you [applause]
Tom: Nice crooning, buddy. The gentleman over by the bar there sent you over this glass of wine and his business card.
Craig: [to Typhoon] Okay, fine.

Quote from Craig

[distant future:]
Craig: Typhoon, my love, happy anniversary. Do you have any regrets?
Typhoon: Not one. Not a single one. Do you have any regrets?
Craig: Are you kidding? Thousands. Most recently this trout! [Typhoon chuckles]

Quote from Andy

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
April: Agent Macklin, I need you. Some thieves are trying to steal the legendary Snakehole Sapphire.
Andy: What the-- No! That sapphire has the power to activate the Cuban Missile Crisis.
April: Damn it, Macklin! I love it when you take charge. Make love to me, you fool, you animal! [doorbell rings]
Andy: [grunts] Okay, rain-check that, all right? They're here.
All: Trick or treat!
Andy: Oh! Look at them! Here you go, you little monsters. I love this. You guys are the best.

Quote from Ben

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
Ben: And I am the Lamplighter, a character from my new board game sequel, "Cones of Dunshire: Winds of Tremorrah. "Gameplay Magazine called it "punishingly intricate."

Quote from April

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
April: All right, go ahead.
Leslie Knope: What?
April: You're gonna lecture me about how Andy and I should have kids. You're gonna be like, "They're so great. They change your life, and yes, they drive you nuts, but it's all worth it for the beauty and the majesty and the glory of their little faces in the morning. Blah, blah, blah, and barf." You know why it's so unfair? Because you guys got so lucky. You had sex one time, and you had three kids, and they're all, like, smart and great and healthy, and now your lives are perfect. But our life is pretty perfect already. And you know what, kids act the opposite of their parents. That's why your kids are so cool. But Andy and I are cool already, so our kids will be, like, really lame and weird. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do. What do I do?
Leslie Knope: It's not about trying to make your life perfect. Nobody's lives are perfect. You have kids because you and Andy are a team and you want to bring in some new team members.
April: So you think we should?
Leslie Knope: I don't know if you should have kids. I really don't. But I do like your team.

Quote from Andy

[Halloween, 2023:]
Andy: Burt Macklin Junior?
April: Mm, we need a Halloween angle. How about... Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?
Andy: Oh, I like that. Yeah. Or maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o-Lantern Dwyer? We call him "Jack" for short.

Quote from Tom

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Tom: Nice crooning, buddy. Uh, the gentleman by the bar there sent you over this glass of wine... and his business card. Okay, so as you all know, Tom's Bistro has been presented with a huge expansion opportunity. I don't want to make a decision until I hear from my senior advisory board. So is this a good idea? Accounting Nerd?
Ben: I'm a congressman, Tom. Can you at least call me "Ben"?
Tom: No can do, Accounting Nerd. We all knew you before you were a big shot. Let's keep the whining to a minimum.

Quote from Tom

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Tom: [on video; English accent] And blow up he did, but not in the good way. He lost everything. Today, Tom Haverford is broke, destitute, and worst of all, swaggerless.
Lucy: Tommy, you got to stop watching this.
Tom: I can't tear myself away. It's a whole documentary about my failures.
Lucy: That you made.
Tom: I had to. I have to remember every tiny, awful aspect of this. I lost everything, Lucy. The franchises, most of my money. I had to sell my pocket square collection. What are people's eyes gonna be drawn to?
Lucy: Look, you had a tough break. The stock market tanked, credit dried up. Who could have predicted that the country would run out of beef? You just got to move on.
Tom: That's the problem, though. I've gone bust in the past, but it was because I did something reckless. This time I was smart and careful, and I still went broke. What do I do now?
Lucy: Well, you and I are gonna be fine, and you'll come up with a new idea. You always do.

Quote from Tom

[future:]
Tom: I once started an entertainment company. It failed in four months. I opened a clothing rental store. I built a restaurant empire. They all failed, but the story of America isn't about second or third chances. It's about 4th, 5th, 6th, 20th, 50th chances. That's how long it took me to get where I am today: Best-selling author of... Failure: An American Success Story. [applause] As you know if you've read the book, I've outlined seven different types of successful people. You can be an Andy, an April, a Ben, a Leslie, a Ron, a Donna, or my personal favorite, a Tom. But what do we definitely not want to be?
All: A Garry!
Tom: That's right. Do not be a Garry.
Jerry: Oh, he's talking about me! [laughs]

Quote from Jerry

[2048:]
Gayle Gergich: Happy birthday, my sweet, sweet husband. We all love you so much.
Jerry: I have had the perfect life. I have had the perfect marriage...
Gayle Gergich: Oh! ( Giggles )
Jerry: The perfect children, and the perfect grandchildren and great-grandchildren! And I just want you to know how much I love you.
Gayle Gergich: Okay, come on, everybody, say, "Gergich!"
All: Gergich!


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