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‘Partridge’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Partridge

517. Partridge

Aired April 4, 2013

Leslie and Ben visit his hometown of Partridge, Minnesota, where he will be presented with a key to the city. Meanwhile, Councilman Jamm sues Ron for assault, and Ann and Chris wonder if they're compatible as parents.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

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Quote from Tom

Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer. I'll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don't have to pay. Problem solved.
Ron Swanson: That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Okay, well, we all told the truth, and Jamm's definitely going to win.
Tom: What do we do now?
Ron Swanson: I intend to do as the court orders. Do you know if one can pay court-ordered settlements in gold? All of my money's in gold. I also have some money in palladium.
Tom: What if it's a huge amount? Are you gonna be okay financially?
Ron Swanson: I think so. I'm actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Oh, snap! I just filled it out for fun. Chris and I are 81% compatible. You wanna make a baby, Traeger? Your hair, my everything else. That kid would be unstoppable.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Ben? Oh, my God.
Ben: [groaning]
Leslie Knope: Are you okay?
Ben: I think I'm giving birth. Is that possible? No, right?
Leslie Knope: No, no, no, no.
Ben: Oh, God!
Stephanie Wyatt: I'll call an ambulance.
Ben: Oh, God! It's twins! I'm having twins!

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: We have a ceremony we need to be at in two hours. Is there anything that we can do?
Dr. Clipperton: Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going anywhere for at least a day.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, I'll call Mayor Stice, and we'll reschedule the ceremony.
Ben: No, this town expects me to wuss out. I'm making that speech, and I'm simply gonna explain to the crowd that love is everywhere and they have to surrender to the flow of the universe, you know? Price Is Right is on, I think. Oh, you remember staying home sick from school... [sobbing] watching The Price Is Right? Oh, God.

Quote from Tom

Councilman Jamm: Well, if it isn't the defendant, Ron Swansuck. [laughs]
Tom: Why are you doing this, Jamm? This lawsuit is Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Eric: I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?
Ron Swanson: He stepped out. Can I take a message?
Eric: Sure. Tell him he just won a free dinner from St. Elmo steak house.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] I'm Ron Swanson!
Eric: You've been served. Have a nice day.
Ron Swanson: I don't like you. But I respect the effort.

Quote from April

Tom: Oh, man, subpoena? Which ex-wife is it, Tammy One or Tammy Two?
Ron Swanson: Neither. Apparently councilman Jeremy Jamm is not pleased that I punched him in the face on the night of Leslie's wedding. He's suing me. $13,000 for orthodontic surgery, $6,000 for enamel repair, and $46 million for psychological damages.
Andy: Yeah, that seems about accurate.
April: That guy is the worst. We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turdburger.

Quote from April

April: I wish we had $46 million. We could buy my parents' house and evict them.

Quote from April

April: That guy is a joke. This lawsuit is definitely getting thrown out.
Tom: I don't know, those are Jean-Ralphio's lawyers. They once got him $60,000 'cause he got too scared at a haunted house.

Quote from April

Paul: Ms. Ludgate, have you ever heard Mr. Swanson threaten to hurt councilman Jamm?
April: Ronny? Are you kidding me? I've never heard him threaten to hurt anyone or anything. The guy's, like, a vegetarian. Look at him, he's like a big, old, soft teddy bear. His nickname around the office is "Softy-Pants McHuggable."

Quote from Tom

Paul: Did you ever hear Mr. Swanson say he intended to injure councilman Jamm before the day of the wedding?
Tom: The answer is a flat "no." Ron doesn't really pay much attention to other people. I doubt he even knew you existed. Also, may I say for the record, that is a dope pocket square. Can I see that bad boy?

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Kidney stone?
Dr. Clipperton: Yep. Big sucker too. We're gonna have to keep him here until it passes.
Ben: Leslie and Dr. Clipperton... Wow, man, I'm so glad you guys are meeting. It's like worlds collide. You know, I love it. I want candy.
Leslie Knope: What is he on?
Dr. Clipperton: Morphine. It's good stuff.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Leslie, come here. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? I'm serious. You're like a flower. Or, no, like a snug-bug or like a snugger-doodle or something like that. We should just go for it, you know? Life.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: You could both take a lesson from Andrew. He told the truth about everything he was asked, even when it was humiliating for him.
Andy: That's right. I love telling the truth. Case in point, sometimes when I blow my nose, I get a boner. I don't know why. It just happens. Truth bomb.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Paul: Thank you, Ms. Ludgate. It is now quite clear that on innumerable occasions Ron Swanson said he intended to punch councilman Jamm in the face, and then he did.
April: Yeah, but who cares? He says a lot of things. He's always talking about overthrowing the government, but he never does that.
Councilman Jamm: Well, that'll make a nice pull quote for the article about me taking you to the cleaners.
Paul: Mr. Swanson, if you'd like to make a statement, you may.
Ron Swanson: On the night I punched councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off. And instead, he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail, and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly, I thought he was diving towards the ground. I regret nothing. The end.

Quote from Chris

Ann: Are you sure about this?
Chris: You are caring, intelligent, and reliable. And I am certain that you will literally be the world's best mom.
Ann: Wow. This is really happening. [Chris feels Ann's stomach] You know there's nothing in there yet, right?
Chris: Yes, sorry.

Quote from Ben

Ben: My friend Jack and I used to fish this lake in the summer. One time, our boat almost tipped over, but then it didn't.
Leslie Knope: That's not a great story.
Ben: Yeah, I had a pretty uneventful childhood.


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