Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.

Andy: Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer. I'll object to everything anyone says, trial will go on forever, you don't have to pay. Problem solved.
Ron Swanson: That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

April: Okay, well, we all told the truth, and Jamm's definitely going to win.
Tom: What do we do now?
Ron Swanson: I intend to do as the court orders. Do you know if one can pay court-ordered settlements in gold? All of my money's in gold. I also have some money in palladium.
Tom: What if it's a huge amount? Are you gonna be okay financially?
Ron Swanson: I think so. I'm actually not sure how much money I have. But I do know how many pounds of money I have.

Donna: Oh, snap! I just filled it out for fun. Chris and I are 81% compatible. You wanna make a baby, Traeger? Your hair, my everything else. That kid would be unstoppable.

Leslie Knope: Ben? Oh, my God.
Ben: [groaning]
Leslie Knope: Are you okay?
Ben: I think I'm giving birth. Is that possible? No, right?
Leslie Knope: No, no, no, no.
Ben: Oh, God!
Stephanie Wyatt: I'll call an ambulance.
Ben: Oh, God! It's twins! I'm having twins!

Leslie Knope: We have a ceremony we need to be at in two hours. Is there anything that we can do?
Dr. Clipperton: Sorry, Ice Town, you're not going anywhere for at least a day.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, I'll call Mayor Stice, and we'll reschedule the ceremony.
Ben: No, this town expects me to wuss out. I'm making that speech, and I'm simply gonna explain to the crowd that love is everywhere and they have to surrender to the flow of the universe, you know? Price Is Right is on, I think. Oh, you remember staying home sick from school... [sobbing] watching The Price Is Right? Oh, God.

Councilman Jamm: Well, if it isn't the defendant, Ron Swansuck. [laughs]
Tom: Why are you doing this, Jamm? This lawsuit is Chronicles of Riddick-ulous.

Eric: I'm looking for Ronald Ulysses Swanson?
Ron Swanson: He stepped out. Can I take a message?
Eric: Sure. Tell him he just won a free dinner from St. Elmo steak house.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] I'm Ron Swanson!
Eric: You've been served. Have a nice day.
Ron Swanson: I don't like you. But I respect the effort.

Tom: Oh, man, subpoena? Which ex-wife is it, Tammy One or Tammy Two?
Ron Swanson: Neither. Apparently councilman Jeremy Jamm is not pleased that I punched him in the face on the night of Leslie's wedding. He's suing me. $13,000 for orthodontic surgery, $6,000 for enamel repair, and $46 million for psychological damages.
Andy: Yeah, that seems about accurate.
April: That guy is the worst. We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turdburger.