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Season 5, Episode 16 -  Aired March 14, 2013

Ron is outraged when Leslie tries to save a failing local business by declaring it an historical landmark. Meanwhile, Ann tries to bond with April when she finally has the upper-hand, and Tom hires Jean-Ralphio's equally annoying twin sister.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Go ahead, Ron. Let me have it. Oh, wait, I'll do it for you. [as Ron] I told you so, Leslie. This is what happens when the government interferes with business. Government is bad, business is good. Free market. [babbles goofily]
Ron Swanson: Capitalism is the only way, Leslie. It moves our country forward. It's what makes America great. And England okay and France terrible.


Quote from Jerry

Ben: Okay, so you're really gonna say no to Ann?
Chris: I care about Ann very deeply, but... I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jerry: You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes. I mean, lord knows I've made plenty. But it's the small victories that keep you going. When you see your little one take her first step or... or graduate college, oh, my God, it just makes it all worth it. [chuckles] And another thing is if-- If, like-- If I-- [exhales] You know, and then your kid's-- because you're like--vrrrr-- I don't know. And everyone's like, "Oh." [babbles] Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.
Chris: It was a beautiful point. And very well said, right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I made everything worse. If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.
Leslie Knope: Please stop talking about wounded meat.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron? What are you doing at a city council meeting? Are you lost? Are you hurt?
Ron Swanson: No, I am here to express an opinion. This action by Councilwoman Knope is nothing more than a thinly veiled government bailout. And I, for one, refuse to let her turn this town into a socialist hellscape. Allow me to elaborate.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Wilson Gromling: Wilson Gromling of the "Liberty or Die" party. These government handouts are deplorable. You're just handing out blank checks. I was on food stamps. I was on Welfare. And nobody ever helped me.
Leslie Knope: This is not a blank check. I have given specific instructions to the Pawnee Videodome about how they are going to spend their money. In a few days, Dennis will reopen. The store will serve a wider range of Pawnee's citizens, and a Pawnee cultural institution will be saved.
Councilman Howser: Are there any other comments?
Wilson Gromling: Yes. The Pawnee chapter of the "Liberty or Die" party has hit some hard times. We were wondering if maybe the town could loan us some money.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Yeah, I'll talk to her before the party. And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio to clear my browser history.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: And I'll have the number eight.
Waiter: That's a party platter. It serves 12 people.
Ron Swanson: I know what I'm about, son.

Quote from Chris

Chris: All these kids have fathers and mothers who have birthed them and are guiding them through life.
Ben: Yep, that's how it works. How are you feeling? Did you make your dad-cision yet?
Chris: I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: Ann Perkins asked me if I would like to donate sperm, so she can have a baby. It's a battle between my primal desire to bring a child into this world and my paralyzing fear of negatively affecting any living thing.

Quote from Ann

Ann: I guess it would have to be Channing Tatum's body, Ryan Gosling's face, and Michael Fassbender's... sense of humor. What about you? Build your perfect guy.
April: Um... Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's hunchback. Do you like my nails?
[April has "Ann Sucks" written on her acrylic nails]
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Even though she hides it underneath layers of sarcasm, resentment, and grumpiness, I know, deep down somewhere, April likes me. I'm kind of just fracking for friendship.

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