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‘Bailout’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Bailout

516. Bailout

Aired March 14, 2013

Ron is outraged when Leslie tries to save a failing local business by declaring it an historical landmark. Meanwhile, Ann tries to bond with April when she finally has the upper-hand, and Tom hires Jean-Ralphio's equally annoying twin sister.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Go ahead, Ron. Let me have it. Oh, wait, I'll do it for you. [as Ron] I told you so, Leslie. This is what happens when the government interferes with business. Government is bad, business is good. Free market. [babbles goofily]
Ron Swanson: Capitalism is the only way, Leslie. It moves our country forward. It's what makes America great. And England okay and France terrible.

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Quote from Jerry

Ben: Okay, so you're really gonna say no to Ann?
Chris: I care about Ann very deeply, but... I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jerry: You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes. I mean, lord knows I've made plenty. But it's the small victories that keep you going. When you see your little one take her first step or... or graduate college, oh, my God, it just makes it all worth it. [chuckles] And another thing is if-- If, like-- If I-- [exhales] You know, and then your kid's-- because you're like--vrrrr-- I don't know. And everyone's like, "Oh." [babbles] Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.
Chris: It was a beautiful point. And very well said, right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I made everything worse. If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron? What are you doing at a city council meeting? Are you lost? Are you hurt?
Ron Swanson: No, I am here to express an opinion. This action by Councilwoman Knope is nothing more than a thinly veiled government bailout. And I, for one, refuse to let her turn this town into a socialist hellscape. Allow me to elaborate.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.
Leslie Knope: Please stop talking about wounded meat.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Wilson Gromling: Wilson Gromling of the "Liberty or Die" party. These government handouts are deplorable. You're just handing out blank checks. I was on food stamps. I was on Welfare. And nobody ever helped me.
Leslie Knope: This is not a blank check. I have given specific instructions to the Pawnee Videodome about how they are going to spend their money. In a few days, Dennis will reopen. The store will serve a wider range of Pawnee's citizens, and a Pawnee cultural institution will be saved.
Councilman Howser: Are there any other comments?
Wilson Gromling: Yes. The Pawnee chapter of the "Liberty or Die" party has hit some hard times. We were wondering if maybe the town could loan us some money.

Quote from Chris

Chris: All these kids have fathers and mothers who have birthed them and are guiding them through life.
Ben: Yep, that's how it works. How are you feeling? Did you make your dad-cision yet?
Chris: I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: Ann Perkins asked me if I would like to donate sperm, so she can have a baby. It's a battle between my primal desire to bring a child into this world and my paralyzing fear of negatively affecting any living thing.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Yeah, I'll talk to her before the party. And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio to clear my browser history.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: And I'll have the number eight.
Waiter: That's a party platter. It serves 12 people.
Ron Swanson: I know what I'm about, son.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Dennis Lerpiss: Hello. Welcome to Pawnee Videodome. Today we'll be screening Stanley Kubrick's 1957 classic Paths Of Glory. It's about three men who refuse to go on a suicide mission and are executed for cowardice.
Leslie Knope: Or we could, you know, maybe screen a different movie. One that's a little bit more upbeat. Like Finding Nemo or...
Dennis Lerpiss: I could do, uh, Shoah.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Paths Of Glory it is.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: This is the Pawnee Videodome. And we are here because I started a program to help local business. This is a Pawnee institution. This is the place where Perd Hapley shot his movie review show Lights, Camera, Perd.
[archive clip of Lights, Camera, Perd:]
Perd Hapley: It's a heartwarming story, but it's just not believable. Which is why I give E.T. 1 and 1/2 stars.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I think I have a plan of how to save your store. If we get the Pawnee Historical Society to declare your store as a historical landmark, then you might get enough of a tax break to keep your business afloat.
Ron Swanson: That sounds like the government meddling in private enterprise.
Leslie Knope: Well, Ron, we all know how much you love the free market. But the Pawnee Videodome is the only place in town where people gather to do something intellectual. That and the slam poetry nights at Beanie's Coffee. But I do not count those because those poems do not rhyme. [rapping style] Anything can be a slam poem if you say it like this. [scoffs] It's pointless.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: This man is a failure. He is not up to snuff. His business is failing, and you're bailing it out. This is a bailout, and I don't like it. And there are some pretty intellectual conversations down at Barrett's Hardware.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: You may get a little heat for this, okay? So use your money wisely. Get popular films that people wanna see.
Dennis Lerpiss: Like, uh, get the Tarkovsky movies with the subtitles.
Leslie Knope: No. Like Pixar. Reese Witherspoon. I know this is gonna hurt, but maybe some Michael Bay.
Dennis Lerpiss: What? No, no. No.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Pawnee Videodome is where I rented my first Bruce Lee movie. And my second Bruce Lee movie. And when I was in seventh grade, I went out back in the alley behind the store, and there was a giant hornet's nest. And I threw a rock at it, and it exploded. And hornets came out.
Leslie Knope: Andy-
Andy: [loudly] The point is, obviously, you do not throw rocks at a hornet's nest.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Pawnee needs a place where the community can gather to discuss and appreciate art. A place where you can rent such films as Cinema Paradiso or Rashomon.
Ron Swanson: You rented Rashomon? What was your favorite part of that?
Leslie Knope: I haven't rented it, actually, yet. But I like the idea that there is a place where I could rent Rashomon.
Morris: Uh, you can just watch it online, for free, whenever you want.
Leslie Knope: Bailiff! Thank you, Mr. Swanson, for your absurd opinion, which is shared by no one. Now, are there any more public comments before we vote? [a long line forms] Mm.

Quote from Ann

Ann: I guess it would have to be Channing Tatum's body, Ryan Gosling's face, and Michael Fassbender's... sense of humor. What about you? Build your perfect guy.
April: Um... Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's hunchback. Do you like my nails?
[April has "Ann Sucks" written on her acrylic nails]
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Even though she hides it underneath layers of sarcasm, resentment, and grumpiness, I know, deep down somewhere, April likes me. I'm kind of just fracking for friendship.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Councilwoman. I just came down to see the effects of your government intervention, and I've got to hand it to you. You really turned this place around.
Leslie Knope: Really? Oh, my God, this is amazing, Dennis.
Dennis Lerpiss: Hey.
Leslie Knope: You did it! We did it! I did it. This is me.
Ron Swanson: Yes, it was.
Dennis Lerpiss: I took your advice. Got rid of all those dusty, old foreign films and used the money for the part of our business that's always done pretty well for us. Give the people what they want, right?
Leslie Knope: This isn't what people want.
Andy: It's definitely what that guy wants.
Herman Lerpiss: I like this store now.
Leslie Knope: Do you realize what you have done? The Pawnee government now effectively owns a porn shop. You have made us porn peddlers!
[aside to camera: Ron laughs]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I like capitalism. I love competition. I'm more competitive than you.
Ron Swanson: I don't think so.
Leslie Knope: I think so.
Ron Swanson: Settle down.
Leslie Knope: No, settle up. 'Cause the bill's been paid, and I've paid it, and I've won. Look, the point is there has to be a way for the government to help places that add community value but don't necessarily rake in the money.
Ron Swanson: There is not. [sighs] The free market is a jungle. It's beautiful and brutal and should be left alone. When a business fails, it dies, and a new, better one takes its place. Just let business be business and government be government.
Waiter: Here you go.
Ron Swanson: And one number eight. All right, party time.
Leslie Knope: I would suggest sticking around and watching him eat it 'cause it only takes four minutes, and it's pretty amazing.
Ron Swanson: [removes salad leafs] These will not be necessary.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Although we are all sad and deeply grossed out that the Pawnee Videodome is turning into a porno palace, I am happy to announce that the Pawnee government will be hosting a weekly movie night here at the Community Center. There will be free screenings followed by a discussion led by local film buff Dennis Lerpiss. Tonight's film is... The Sound Of Music. [applause] And... action.
Brandi Maxxxx: [on video] I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson. The local video store's about to go under. We have to save it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, this is the wrong movie. We ne-- Shut this down, please. Shut it down.
Dong Swanson: [on movie] Sorry, Leslie. I'm a strict libertarian, and I don't believe in bailouts.
Leslie Knope: This is not how it happened.


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