Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Bowling for Votes’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Bowling for Votes

413. Bowling for Votes

Aired January 26, 2012

Leslie can't get past one man's negative feedback in a focus group, so her campaign hosts a bowling night to show she's approachable. Meanwhile, April, Andy, Chris, Jerry and Donna hit the phones to fundraise for Leslie's campaign, and Ron is outraged by Tom's bowling style.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey, Ron. Thanks for coming, man.
Ron Swanson: Of course. This bowling alley has my favorite restaurant in Pawnee.
[cut away to Ron looking contended in front of a restaurant menu which lists only Hot Dogs and Hamburgers for $1 and $1.35]
Ann: Really? You're not scared to eat here?
Ron Swanson: When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Rate

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

Quote from April

April: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Gallivan? Well, my name is April, and wouldn't you know it, I'm raising money for a city council candidate I believe in. [cut] No, mira, mira, mira, mira, mira. It's, like, whatever you want. Like, $10. It don't matter. [cut; in Southern accent:] Well, I reckon it's just like grammy Martha told me and my cousins, "You can't eat the biscuits if you don't pay for the flour." [laughs, mouths words]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on video] I will institute a reduction in taxes for the small-business owner as well as a 7% surcharge on all nonlocal business-related development. Together we will build a better Pawnee.
Tom: So what we're looking for here are your overall impressions of this candidate. What do you like about her? What don't you like about her? Her ideas, her voice, her clothes probably.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Well, my campaign has a little momentum, so we're trying to capitalize on that by doing a focus group. Some things are very helpful. Other things are not so helpful. All the things make me feel a lot of feelings about myself.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Woman: She's kinda short, don't you think? Aggressively short almost. It's like she's throwing it in my face.
Tom: Insightful.
Donna: You, sir, said you would not vote for her, correct?
Man: Yeah. Yeah, she seems a little uptight. She doesn't seem like the kind of person you could go bowling with, you know?
[on other side of the glass:]
Leslie Knope: What? That's ridiculous. I am excellent at bowling. Ask Ron.
Ben: Leslie, I know it's tough to hear these things, but just try not to get obsessed over one comment.
Leslie Knope: You're totally right. I'm not obsessing.
Ben: Okay, what are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I'm just reminding myself to tell Ron to tell you how good I am at bowling.
Ben: Okay.
[back:]
Man: I actually thought that she was smart, and I'd vote for her. There you go. Although I once knew a Leslie, and, uh, she was just awful. So now I hate all Leslies. Would she consider changing her name? [Leslie storms out of the observation room]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, here we go. 71% said that you have a strong command of the issues. That is good, but only 33% said they would consider voting for you.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that's really interesting stuff. Why did that guy say that he wouldn't want to go bowling with me?
Ben: You really have to let that go.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've never been very good at letting things go. I can't tell you how many times a fun tug-of-war with a dog over a chew toy turned contentious. One of us always ends up mad.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I did some research too about the guy who said the thing about me and bowling, and his name is Derek.
Ben: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: And get this... he's not even that good of a bowler. His average is 132, according to the most recent available data.
Ben: Leslie, that comment wasn't really about whether you're good at bowling...
Leslie Knope: Which I am.
Ben: Which we all know you are.
Leslie Knope: Ask Ron.
Ben: But some people have the impression that you're a little elitist or intellectual or something.
Leslie Knope: That is so sexist. It's just because I'm a woman. Would they deign to say such things to Woodrow Wilson or Benjamin Disraeli... Okay, I see what you're talking about.

Quote from Chris

Jerry: Well, anyway, tonight we are gonna spice things up with a little competition. Whoever raises the most money by the end of the night will win two free movie passes to the Pawnee mono-plex.
April: You really think that's gonna motivate people...
Chris: Oh, my God. I could use that for a romantic night with Millicent Gergich. Out of my way, suckers.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: As city manager, I play no favorites. But as a private citizen, I am free to support whomever I choose, and I choose to support team Knope 'cause they're the best. Everybody's the best. We're all winners.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Who's ready to bowl so hard? Tommy's new bowling swag.
Ann: You know what? When you do it, you really do it. Good for you, man.

Quote from Chris

Chris: [on the phone] Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Leslie Knope, who is running for city council. Is this Deirdre Splatterfork? That is literally the most beautiful name I have ever heard.

Quote from Donna

Donna: [on the phone] Absolutely nothing. [chuckles] What are you wearing?

Quote from April

April: [on the phone] Fine, if you don't wanna donate, then don't. Oh, by the way... [creepy voice] I'm calling from inside your house.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Type in "T Rex" for me. No, no, no. Um, "T-boz." Wait, wait. "Tommy Tsunami." No, "Ticky Ticky Tom-Tom." No, "Fly Guy."
Ron Swanson: I wrote "Tom."
Tom: Classic. Timeless. I love it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Come on, big girl. Let's knock these little pins down.
[Tom runs up to the lane, suddenly halts and stands squat in front of the line. He starts cradling the ball in both hands]
Ann: Oh, my God, are you serious?
Ron Swanson: Son, people can see you.
[Tom gently releases the ball, which slowly rolls down the lane before knocking all the pins down]
Tom: Boom! [Ann claps] That right there... Tommy's strike.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Leslie, what happened to the big picture?
Leslie Knope: I'm thinking about the big picture. I'm trying to make the picture bigger by including this guy in it. I can't do anything about my gender or my height, but I can win that guy over with a fun round of bowling.
Ben: We need everyone here to see a different side of Leslie Knope, not one specific person. Some people just aren't gonna like you. Let it go. Okay, I hear you.
Leslie Knope: I'll treat him just like everybody else.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'll just say hi to him, shake his hand, buy a him a few beers, share a few laughs, bowl a few frames, lose intentionally to make him feel good, friend him on Facebook. And by the end of the night, he will be mine.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I am taking a probiotic tea break. And while that is happening, I thought I might share some big news. I am going to ask Millicent Gergich to move in with me. D-I... I mean, if that's okay with you of course, Jerry.
Jerry: Uh, yeah. [chuckles] Of course. Sure.
Andy: That's awesome, man. Hey, do you guys wanna live here with us and Ben and champion, the three-legged dog?
Chris: That is an amazing offer.
Andy: Yes!
Chris: But I think we're probably gonna get our own place. I'm already working with a Real Estate agent to find an octagonal house. I've done some reading, and an octagon is the optimal shape for a home in terms of energy flow.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [whistling] What, Champion? You need to go outside now? Come on. That a boy. Sorry, he's... hates awkward situations.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Police Officer: The guy said he might press charges.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, well, Randy, I would like you to know that we will not be pressing charges.
Police Officer: Yeah, that really wasn't an option.
Leslie Knope: Come on, the guy was being a total jerk. What Ben did was warranted and extremely awesome, by the way. Did you write down how awesome it was?
Police Officer: When we write official reports, we refrain from using words like "jerk" or "awesome."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, one more time. Let me resign. It's the only thing that truly protects you.
Leslie Knope: Non-starter.
Ben: [sighs] Okay. Now when you take questions, I think you should be brief and sincere. Don't try to justify what I did. Just apologize again, and stay on script. Are you sure that you don't need more whipped cream?
Leslie Knope: Not today. I don't deserve it. I got us into this mess because I was fixating on that guy. But this is ridiculous. I do need more whipped cream. Ma'am.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'd like to first start by saying thank you for coming. And on behalf of Ben Wyatt and everyone involved in my campaign, I'm very sorry for what happened at the Rock n' Roll Bowling Alley last night. You know what? No, I'm not. [scoffs] I... I'm not sorry. This guy was drunk, and he was aggressive. And he was rude, and he was foul-mouthed. And he called me by my second least favorite term for a woman, and my campaign manager punched him. I do not condone violence, but I have to be honest, it was awesome. And my campaign manager and I made out a lot afterward. Ah, I probably shouldn't have said that. But that's what happened. Derek hates me, and I don't particularly like him. So what's the point, right, Derek?
Derek: I feel like you're being kind of a bitch right now.
Leslie Knope: See? So I'm not going to apologize. And if people won't vote for me because of that, well, there's nothing I can do about it. But you should be warned. If you do not vote for me, my boyfriend might beat you up. Now if anyone has any questions about the issues facing our city, I'm right here.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[Ron returns to the bowling alley wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses]
Man: Here you go. Lane eight.
Ron Swanson: No, Lane 22. The one at the very end.
[When Ron bowls a ball just like Tom, he gets a strike]
Ron Swanson: Son of a bitch.
[He repeats the shot another nine times]
Man: Hey, perfect game. What's your name? Put it up on a wall.
Ron Swanson: I was never here, and you will never speak of this again


 Episode 412 Episode 414 
  Select another episode