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‘2017’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: 2017

701. 2017

Aired January 13, 2015

In the year 2017, Leslie is determined to win the bidding for the Newport family land, which she wants to turn into a national park. In the intervening three years, Leslie has fallen out with Ron, who is now a private property developer. Meanwhile, April and Andy feel like they've become boring adults.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This land is begging to be a new national park. And it's in my own backyard. This could be my crowning achievement. I could retire. I mean, I wouldn't. I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week. Oh, God, I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off. Maybe I'll go to law school or something.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] That park is my dream. I'm not gonna let it slip away. Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron have more money? I have the most valuable currency in America. A blind, stubborn belief that what I am doing is 100% right.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero. But who is my hero? Simple. It's me. Five years from now.
Janet: Okay, I really only need a correct spelling of your last name.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: You are looking at one of Indiana Business monthly's 35 under 35. I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast-casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper. We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter. I'm a mogul now.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm being honored at a gala tonight because I'm in charge of the Pawnee bicentennial celebration. It's my biggest project since Ice Town. So it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader, instead of being yelled at and pelted with things. Wait, you don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I don't want to talk to him. I should hide. No, he should hide. He should run. He should run away. He should hide his stupid face. He shouldn't be--
Ron Swanson: Hello, Ms. Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hello, former strange person I used to friend. You're looking very... Ron-like.
Ron Swanson: You have your same hair.
Leslie Knope: No, I don't. I have bangs now.
Ron Swanson: I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn.
Leslie Knope: Well, maybe you should!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I left the parks department two years ago. Now I work in the private sector, running my own building and development company. It's called Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] Everything is going great. April's kicking ass at her National Parks job. Uh, I work there part time. And I have my own TV show.
[TV clip:]
Announcer: Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Hour.
Jerry: Morning, Johnny. I have something for ya.
Announcer: It's Mailman Barry.
Andy: Morning, Barry. I have something for you.
Jerry: Andy, no.
Andy: Ninjas attack!
Jerry: No. Oh! That's my crotch.
Andy: Okay, guys. Three more kicks a piece.

Quote from April

April: It takes like eight hours to cook something in this thing. I guess I could pick up a brisket tomorrow and start it for dinner Thursday.
Andy: Oh, Thursday's no good. I have production meetings all day. Then we've got dinner with Joe and Donna on Friday. Hey, you know, Sunday. We can go to the farmer's market, put the brisket in the slow cooker, get a movie on pay per view. The new Jason Bourne movie's supposed to be pretty funny.
April: [screams] Andy? We're planning our whole week. Like old people. We used to be spontaneous and weird. We used to eat cereal out of frisbees because we didn't have any bowls. You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.
Andy: I won.
April: Now you sprained your shoulder trying to clean out the stupid gutter. You even have a job. We have a bank account! That's it. We've held out as long as we could, but it finally happened. We're boring. We're boring people who will bore each other by being boring.
Andy: No! We are still fun. I'm gonna prove it to you. Tonight at the gala, we are gonna do something spontaneous and weird.
April: Okay. [to the slow cooker] Stop taunting me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Get on the phone to Washington. Call in every favor that we have. Dave, put Missouri on the back burner. This is top priority. You all have 36 hours to find me $90 million. Go!
Ben: Whoa, $90 million?
Leslie Knope: Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions. Which, by the way, attendance has been up. That's not a coincidence.
Ben: Pawnee's rich and famous will all be here tonight. Maybe you start there.
Leslie Knope: That is a very smart idea. And that tuxedo makes you look like a sexy orchestra conductor. Here, wave this pen around.
Ben: Focus.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ken Hotate. Great bow tie, is that new?
Ken Hotate: Why, yes it is. My son sells them on Etsy. He is a huge disappointment.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Now that we're chatting, the National Park Service is looking to buy the Newport land. But we're a little short on funds.
Ken Hotate: How short?
Leslie Knope: $88 million. What do you say you put some of that casino money to good use?
Ken Hotate: You know, we have been considering opening a second resort.
Leslie Knope: No, it would be a donation. The government would keep the land.
Ken Hotate: So you would like the Wamapoke people to pay the federal government millions of dollars to buy land that was stolen from us by the federal government? And we don't even get to keep the land?
Leslie Knope: Well, when you put it like that, I see the irony. So are you in? No? What if I buy some of your disappointing son's bolo ties? Damn it.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Now, I know all of you are off doing your own things and we don't see each other as much as we used to, but I need my old team back for one last mission. So hands in. Defeat Ron on three. One, two, three!
Tom: Ooh. Actually, Ron promised me I could build a restaurant on the new Gryzzl campus so I'm kind of totally on Ron's side.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Tom's dead to me. Donna? Waiting for your hand.
Donna: Yeah, Ron hired Regal Meagle realty to broker the deal. And I'm gonna need the money for my wedding.
Leslie Knope: [gasps]
Donna: Shia LaBeouf-designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, never fear, because Terry is here. Yes, I go by Terry now.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: Because there was a guy at National Parks, he was already named Larry. So they suggested I go by Terry. And then I said my real name is Garry and they said, who cares. So. It's just a fun group.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron? How could you?
Ron Swanson: I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it. They're long enough for five or six.
Leslie Knope: First you try to steal my park and now you steal my team?
Ron Swanson: I didn't steal them. They're independent people who have moved onto better things, just like you did. Bacon-wrapped shrimp. I fit seven on this one. It's a masterpiece.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Why are you even here? What have you ever done for this city?
Ron Swanson: My company has stimulated Pawnee's economy. You're just still upset about Morningstar.
Leslie Knope: I told you to never say that word to me. No one should ever say that word out loud. It's like Voldemort. Or Ron.

Quote from Tom

Tom: What up, playa? Just wanted to apologize for my intro running long. But, uh, you know. When it comes to inspirational Will Smith quotes, how are you gonna stop at ten?
Ben: You know, when the Chamber of Commerce asked you to introduce me, I was a little worried you would spend the entire time talking about yourself, which is exactly what you did.
Tom: I'm sorry. Truth is, they didn't ask me to introduce you. I asked them if I could do it. I was gonna talk about how I owe you so much. How you stood by me through all my failures and I stood by you through all your terrible outfits. But when I got up there, I got pretty emotional. To make it up to you, I'd like to read you the speech now. I've known a lot of ballers in my day. But no man balls harder than the man I'm about to bring up. He's kind, he's intelligent. [sobs] He's a person I'm deeply proud to call my friend.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Pretty good speech. I mean, it was, um... a little sappy, maybe. [sobs] I think I liked it.
Tom: [sobbing]

Quote from April

Andy: Says here there are 12 closets, three bomb shelters, five dumb waiters, two and three eights baths. No kitchens. It's a fairly standard layout.
April: Cool, is that a staircase to nowhere?
Keg Jeggings: Yes, it is. Good eye.
Andy: What was this place?
Keg Jeggings: Remember the Pawnee doll head factory?
April: This was a doll head factory?
Keg Jeggings: No. This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.
Andy: What's behind this door? [gasps] Fire poll.
April: So this place has had zero offers?
Keg Jeggings: People seem to be scared off on account of it being haunted... and disgusting.
[aside to camera:]
Keg Jeggings: After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World.


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