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‘The Banquet’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Banquet

105. The Banquet

Aired May 7, 2009

When Leslie and her colleagues attend a banquet honoring Marlene Knope, Leslie tries to butter up a member of the zoning board.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet and honor of those Somali pirates, if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp. Excuse me.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This is very exciting. This is a big night. We are gonna meet some powerful people tonight, so take this down.
Tom: Mmm-hmm.
Leslie Knope: Good evening. Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mother.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: How important are speeches? I don't know, ask the Gettysburg Address. Oh, it didn't answer your call? Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.

Quote from Ron Swanson

[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I refuse to lather Marlene up, kiss her ring like everybody else. Instead I'll be delivering a speech of facts.
[later:]
Ron Swanson: Marlene is a woman. She has worked in the government for three decades. Thirty years. Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last. So, Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians, after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians, back then, is, they used every part of the pioneer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Today is a great day for the Knope family. My mother is being honored at a banquet with the Tellenson Award for Excellence in Pawnee Public Service. The award's named after the legendary Tony Tellenson, who was a great man. Sorry, is a great man. I, for one, am glad that they're keeping him alive.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marlene Knope: I saw you survive that town hall meeting. You keep that up and you're gonna be figuring out what wall to put your own Tellenson Award on.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I already know, the one on the left where the American flag is. But I think we could be a multi-generational political dynasty, you and I, you know? Like the Kennedys, or the Bushes. Minus the drinking problem. [to camera] I mean no disrespect.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] The only reason anybody's going to this thing is because they're afraid of what Marlene'll do to them if they don't. That woman is tough. In 1994, I gave her a nickname. It's unrepeatable, but it stuck. It's my proudest accomplishment. It's "The Iron [bleep] of Pawnee."

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: It was a great learning experience because my mom cast a great show. Read that part back to me.
Tom: "I was learning-disabled and my mom cast a very long shadow."
Leslie Knope: No, I didn't say "learning-disabled."
Tom: Um, we'll just move on. We can fix that later. Long shadow, go.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I've lost my momentum now. Um, all right, let's start from the top. What's the first sentence again?
Tom: "Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese."
Leslie Knope: I never said "obese." I said "is my mother."
Tom: Oh, sorry. I got it.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: I need to mention the park and in a very subtle way, I need to let people know that I'm forging my own path and I have my own subcommittee. But I don't want to sound braggy. What do I do?
Tom: It's about appearing humble, you know? Abraham Lincoln, when he started his speeches, he would come up and say, "My name's Abraham Lincoln. I'm the President of the United States. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I have no clue what I'm doing." So, maybe you start off with something like that.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay. So, I start off with, "I am Leslie Knope. I am the Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation, "and to be honest with you, I don't know what I'm doing."
Tom: Yeah. Then, I think what we want to do at that point is start getting the energy up. How about this? "Marlene Griggs-Knope is definitely not a whore."
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: "Marlene Griggs-Knope has not five but seven Asian friends. Marlene Griggs-Knope has never solicited a male prostitute. Marlene Griggs-Knope has said the N-word only four times in her entire life."
Leslie Knope: No! No!
Tom: She said it more than that?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] At that table are all eight living Tellenson Award winners. Burt Winfield, Geoffrey Morglesberg, Quentin Arble, Dawn Krink, Michael Holloway, I don't know who that is, that's somebody's wife, Horace Rangel, Wilmer Vism and Oscar Pfortmiller. Wait. Oscar Pfortmiller is dead. That's his disappointing son, Theo. Another dynasty. What a testament to my mother. If a bomb went off in here, it would definitely make the Indianapolis papers.

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: So, I need your advice. I'm seated near Janine Restrepo.
Marlene Knope: The queen of the zoning board?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Am I the only [bleep] person here who doesn't know Janine Restrepo?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marlene Knope: She's blowing us off.
Leslie Knope: What? No! Really?
Marlene Knope: Honey, she's totally blowing us off.
Leslie Knope: What? That is not conduct worthy of the zoning board.
Marlene Knope: She's a little weasel. Okay, I didn't want to have to use this, but her husband got a DUI in Illinois last week. And she's trying to keep it quiet.
Leslie Knope: Well, everyone has their problems. So, what should my next tactic be?
Marlene Knope: The DUI, Leslie. Let her know you know all about it, connect it to what you want, and then tell her if she doesn't help you, and soon, you're gonna tell everybody in town.
Leslie Knope: I don't think I could do that. I mean, I want to win a Tellenson Award some day. They don't give lifetime achievement awards to people who do things like that.
Marlene Knope: Sweetheart, they only give lifetime achievement awards to people who do things like that. Those are eight of the nastiest, most diabolical people you could ever want to meet. Burt Winfield was a blackmailer. And Dawn Krink slept her way to the top of the DMV. Trip Holloway named names in the '50s. Horace Rangel used the police department to harass journalists. And jeez, honey, Tony Tellenson was the worst. He tried to re-segregate the drinking fountains.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] I've been dying to go out with Mark. Always thought we'd make a great team. You know? He's handsome, I'm a cutie pie. He's laid back. I'm more in your face, but in a fun way. Ladies don't stand a chance.
[later:]
Mark: Uh... What's with the hat?
Tom: It's called peacocking. Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock. So, the girls will be like, "Hey, what's with that hat?" I'm gonna go peacock it out. I'll be back.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The people who win awards aren't always the best people. I mean, I think Ann and I are really good people, and someday others will see that and we'll get our due. Would I like to win a Tellenson Award like my mom did? Sure. But my dad never won an award, and he was always happy. He lives in Florida, in a cemetery. The point is, my mom is alive and I love her. She's one tough cookie. That's why everybody calls her "The Iron [bleep] of Pawnee." Fondly.


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