Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food. I'd go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp. Excuse me.

[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I refuse to lather Marlene up, kiss her ring like everybody else. Instead I'll be delivering a speech of facts.
[later:]
Ron Swanson: Marlene is a woman. She has worked in the government for three decades. Thirty years. Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last. So, Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.

Leslie Knope: This is very exciting. This is a big night. We are gonna meet some powerful people tonight, so take this down.
Tom: Mmm-hmm.
Leslie Knope: Good evening. Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mother.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: How important are speeches? I don't know, ask the Gettysburg Address. Oh, it didn't answer your call? Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians, after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians, back then, is, they used every part of the pioneer.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] The only reason anybody's going to this thing is because they're afraid of what Marlene'll do to them if they don't. That woman is tough. In 1994, I gave her a nickname. It's unrepeatable, but it stuck. It's my proudest accomplishment. It's "The Iron [bleep] of Pawnee."

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Today is a great day for the Knope family. My mother is being honored at a banquet with the Tellenson Award for Excellence in Pawnee Public Service. The award's named after the legendary Tony Tellenson, who was a great man. Sorry, is a great man. I, for one, am glad that they're keeping him alive.

Marlene Knope: I saw you survive that town hall meeting. You keep that up and you're gonna be figuring out what wall to put your own Tellenson Award on.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I already know, the one on the left where the American flag is. But I think we could be a multi-generational political dynasty, you and I, you know? Like the Kennedys, or the Bushes. Minus the drinking problem. [to camera] I mean no disrespect.

Leslie Knope: It was a great learning experience because my mom cast a great show. Read that part back to me.
Tom: "I was learning-disabled and my mom cast a very long shadow."
Leslie Knope: No, I didn't say "learning-disabled."
Tom: Um, we'll just move on. We can fix that later. Long shadow, go.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I've lost my momentum now. Um, all right, let's start from the top. What's the first sentence again?
Tom: "Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese."
Leslie Knope: I never said "obese." I said "is my mother."
Tom: Oh, sorry. I got it.

Leslie Knope: I need to mention the park and in a very subtle way, I need to let people know that I'm forging my own path and I have my own subcommittee. But I don't want to sound braggy. What do I do?
Tom: It's about appearing humble, you know? Abraham Lincoln, when he started his speeches, he would come up and say, "My name's Abraham Lincoln. I'm the President of the United States. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I have no clue what I'm doing." So, maybe you start off with something like that.

Leslie Knope: Okay. So, I start off with, "I am Leslie Knope. I am the Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation, "and to be honest with you, I don't know what I'm doing."
Tom: Yeah. Then, I think what we want to do at that point is start getting the energy up. How about this? "Marlene Griggs-Knope is definitely not a whore."
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: "Marlene Griggs-Knope has not five but seven Asian friends. Marlene Griggs-Knope has never solicited a male prostitute. Marlene Griggs-Knope has said the N-word only four times in her entire life."
Leslie Knope: No! No!
Tom: She said it more than that?