Next Episode 

‘Pilot’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired April 9, 2009

After Ann attends a town meeting to ask for a construction pit which injured her boyfriend to be filled in, Leslie promises to build a park on the vacant lot.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I've been quite open about this around the office. I don't want this Parks Department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations. Like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

Rate

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hello. Hi. My name is Leslie Knope, and I work for the Parks and Recreation Department. Can I ask you a few questions? Would you say that you are, enjoying yourself and having fun, having a moderate amount of fun and somewhat enjoying yourself, or having no fun and no enjoyment? I'm gonna put a lot of fun.
Boy: Ms. Knope, there's a drunk stuck in the slide.
Leslie Knope: Sir, this is a children's slide. You're not allowed to sleep in here.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: You know, when I first tell people that I work in the government, they say, "Oh. The government. The government stinks. The lines are too long at the DMV." But now things have changed. People need our help. And it feels good to be needed.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Could you put your arms to your side? And that might help you slide down a little easier. Do you want to come this way? Okay, we're gonna need you to get out. Can you please go away? Get out of the slide. Okay? You're... Can you please go away? Here we go! Okay, wake up. Here we go. Out of the slide.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: You know, government isn't just a boys' club anymore. Women are everywhere. It's a great time to be a woman in politics. Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, me, Nancy Pelosi.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: We did it! You know, I like to tell people, you know, "Get on board and buckle up, because my ride's gonna be a big one." And if you get motion sickness, you know, put your head between your knees 'cause Leslie Knope's stopping for no one.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: So, Andy jumped over this fence. He was crossing through to get home, and then he fell right there.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. How did we let this happen? Dream with me for a second, Ann. Doesn't this neighborhood deserve a first-class park? Imagine a shiny new playground with a jungle gym and swings, pool, tennis courts, volleyball courts, racquetball courts, basketball court, regulation football field. We could put an amphitheatre over there with Shakespeare in the Park.
Ann: It's really not that big of a pit.
Leslie Knope: We could do some of those things. It's gonna take a little extra work. But why not try?
Ann: I think that would be great.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'm going in.
Ann: Why?
Leslie Knope: Don't worry. I have a hard hat on.
Ann: I can see that, but...
Leslie Knope: Yeah. April, document this.
April: Document what?
Leslie Knope: The key to any fact-finding mission is to get right into the battle zone, you know? It's like George Bush when he flew over New Orleans or Richard Nixon when he went to China to see what the Chinese were up to. No! Oh, oh! [falls]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: The bottom line is I've been trying to get this thing fixed for months, and nobody's done anything, and it's ugly, and it's dangerous, and it's government-owned, and you need to do something about it. [applause]
Leslie Knope: Okay. I'll do something about it.
Ann: Really?
Leslie Knope: Yes, we... I will help you.
Ann: Is that a promise?
Leslie Knope: It's more than a promise. It's a pinky promise. I pinky promise all of you that I will help, and I will go to that location tomorrow, and we will fill in that pit, and then when that's done, we're gonna put a park on the land.
Ann: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Well, I've worked at the Parks Department for six years, and I've handled a lot of things that I'm proud of. Recently, I led a city-wide drive to disinfect the sandbox sand after we had those problems with the cats. But this pit, the chance to build a whole new park from scratch, this could be my Hoover Dam.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This is a great thing for you guys to see. This is where the rubber of government meets the road of actual human beings. When I go through these doors, I need to be on. Like the White House Press Secretary. Are you ready?
Tom: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Here we go. It's locked.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, take two. I'm Leslie Knope, and with me is department member Tom Haverford. We are here to answer any and all of your questions, so fire away.
Man: Well, it's a great day, because last month they put me in jail. That's right. The head of the police is a ninth-degree Mason.
Woman: But the music is so loud.
Man #2: Stop the graffiti, please. Please.
Leslie Knope: I don't like obscenities just as much as you don't like them.
Man #3: No, it drives me crazy. I have kids.
Leslie Knope: Right. But...
Man #3: I've got my little three-year-old, I'm going through the park and someone's like, "Hey [bleep] my [bleep]" And the guy's, "You [bleep] my [bleep], you [bleep] head."
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: These people are members of a community that care about where they live, so what I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
[back:]
Man: Now, I have a few things I want to say about Laura Linney.
Leslie Knope: Thank you so much, Barry. Always great to have you here.

Quote from Tom

[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Tom and I work really well together. We're both outsiders. I'm a woman, he's a... I think he's a Libyan.
[separately to camera:]
Tom: I am from Bennettsville, South Carolina. I am what you might call a redneck.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Okay, squeeze my fingers. Good. Does it hurt a lot?
Leslie Knope: No. Mmm-mmm. I'm fine.
Ann: No, you're not.
Leslie Knope: Good thing I was wearing that hard hat.
Ann: But it... It fell off.
Leslie Knope: After my head hit that rod.
Ann: Wow.

Quote from Mark

Mark: [aside to camera] Leslie is unique. Government work can beat you down. I would say that I lost my optimism about government in about two months. Leslie's kept hers for six years. I've got a few rules about how to survive and prosper in a government job, and I think I'm about to break one of those rules.
[later:]
Mark: I want you to give Lot 48 to Leslie so she can try to build a park.
Ron Swanson: Why should I?
Mark: You owe me one, remember?
Ron Swanson: Do you want to cash in for this?
Mark: Yeah, I do.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So this was built in 1935. It's called Pioneer Hall. And a little trivia, it is one of the first structures in America to ever have locks.
Ann: Wow!
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah. This is our crown jewel. It's one of our best murals. It depicts the very famous battle at Conega Creek. We have a lot of children visit, so often we have to cover up the more gruesome parts with a poster.
Ann: That is horrifying.
Leslie Knope: Yes, it is.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Every now and then we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up. She one time made out with the water-delivery guy in her office. On Halloween, she was dressed up as Batman. Not Batgirl. Batman. And I convinced her to go stop a crime that was going on outside. And it is my favorite thing in the world.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I've created this office as a symbol of how I feel about government. This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel. Did you guys get a grant to do this? This is my basketball court. I don't want to see any double dribble. I don't want to see any three-second violations. Bobby Knight!


Episode 102 
  Select another episode