Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

Ben: Now you said your new landlord didn't give you a chance to counter. Who is it?
JJ: It was a company with a weird-sounding name. Hang on.
Andy: Was it Putin? Voldemort Putin? Of Russia? I'd love to take that bastard down.

Leslie Knope: Ron, how's the stage coming?
Ron Swanson: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Good lord, what happened to the rest of my face?
Andy: We had to "Jetsons" most of the poster too, but I kind of like it, 'cause windows are the eyes to the house.

Andy: E, h, 4, m. Potato shape. Coffee mug shape. Smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge. The rest are all smudges.
April: Oh, my God, you drove us here.

Ron Swanson: You really shouldn't have dug that out of the dumpster.
Andy: I had to. Also I had a banana on the way over here. Sorry. I get why you don't want any more to know about Duke Silver, and you don't have to worry. You secret is safe with me. To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets.
Ron Swanson: Oh, no, that's not necessary.
Andy: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Leslie Knope: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards Li'I Sebastian's favorite charity, the Afghan Institute of Learning. Next, we have a special musical tribute by Mr. Andy Dwyer.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?
[back:]
Andy: This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind. [plays guitar and sings] Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian You're 5,000 candles in the wind [crowd applauds]

Leslie Knope: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?
Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.
Leslie Knope: Okay, how about Japan?
Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How 'bout Germany? They've never been the bad guys.
Leslie Knope: Why don't you be Finland?
Andy: Okay.

Andy: Delegates! I know that you're angry with each other. Hopefully, this will be your opportunity to have your very own Camp David.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: In high school, my buddy David Fundis would have these campouts in his backyard. We would just chill out, have a bonfire, talk about whatever was on our mind. We called it camp David.
[back:]
Ben: How do you know about Camp David?
Andy: How do you know about camp David?

April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?
Ann: You wanna try that again?
April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse? Because Andy's not feeling well.
Ann: What's wrong, Andy?
Andy: Just got a headache. And I'm seeing double. And I got a song stuck in my head, and my teeth hurt. Also I'm hungry.
Ann: Okay, well, some of those things are symptoms and some of them are just being a person.

Ben: I think that job's perfect for April. We just have to convince Barney to give her a shot. I mean, first problem, she's not as qualified as the other applicants.
Andy: Simple solution. I break into her college and I change her degree to accounting. Easy. On my way out, look up at the blackboard, what is that? Impossible math equation? I solve it. X equals Y, obviously. Professor comes up to me and says, "I've been working on that for 50 years. Why don't you accept this math trophy?" By the time he turns around, I'm gone.