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‘The Possum’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Possum

218. The Possum

Aired March 11, 2010

Leslie is put in charge of a task force to capture a possum which bit the Mayor's dog on a local golf course. Meanwhile, April house sits for Ann, and Mark inspects Ron's wood shop.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Evelyn Roushland: Well, Ms. Knope, I have to say I'm very disappointed.
Leslie Knope: You didn't have to say that. You could have just thought it.
Evelyn Roushland: What'd you do with the possum exactly?
Leslie Knope: Well, I'm proud to say that it's somewhere the Mayor can never pee on it.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: It's okay, honestly. I mean, look, when I retire, and I'm attending some gala honoring the first three female presidents in history - myself, and two other women I've inspired - I wanna be looking back at my distinguished legacy, and not thinking that I owe my career to some possum. And I wanna be wearing a huge, beautiful blue hat.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Evelyn Roushland: Mayor Gunderson was playing golf last week at Pawnee municipal, and he brought his dog-
Leslie Knope: Rufus. We all know Rufus. Everybody loves Rufus. He's a great dog. Continue.
Evelyn Roushland: Well, uh, they were out on the sixth hole when suddenly, out of nowhere...
Leslie Knope: Rufus was bitten by a possum?
Evelyn Roushland: Yes, how did you know that?
Leslie Knope: It was Fairway Frank.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks department's most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower, and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hey, Mark. Welcome to my haven.
Mark: Thank you.
Ron Swanson: You're the first non-me to set foot In this building in ten years.
Mark: Um, Ron, none of this is up to code.
Ron Swanson: Sure it is. It's up to the Swanson code.
Mark: There's no drainage, doesn't seem to be any ventilation, you've got hazardous chemicals over here.
Ron Swanson: Yeah, which only I am breathing. It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags above a wood burning stove.
Ron Swanson: Oh, good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which, I can assure you, is totally up to your precious code.
Mark: Um, this says it should be recharged June of 1996.
Ron Swanson: Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.
Mark: Yeah.
[As Ron attempts to spray the fire extinguisher, a small trickle of orange liquid runs out]
Ron Swanson: Okay, I'll replace this. Happy?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Am I sure the possum we caught is Fairway Frank? Yes. Am I quite sure? No. Am I sure enough? Maybe. If it wasn't Fairway Frank, would I feel badly? Of course. Could I live with myself? That depends. As a city official it's important that I ask myself a lot of questions. Does doing so help me make decisions? Uh...

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, those idiots are here from Animal Control. They're gonna take it away. Okay, we need a little bit more time to figure out the truth. Look, I have an idea. I'm gonna distract everybody, and then you get that possum out of here. Can you do that, April? April, can you do that? Can you get the possum out of here? Can you sneak it out of here? April, can you do it? Can you do it? Please, April, tell me you can do this.
April: Yes, yes, I can do it. God.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I can't kill the possum because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go because it might be guilty. Can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word "lieutenant." There's a lot of "can'ts" in my life right now.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Anyways, thank you so much. I needed it. I got a really bad case of shoe shine head today.
[aside to camera:]
April: Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls " shoe shine head." It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers, and napping on the floor.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Shouldn't you take this up with Animal Control?
Evelyn Roushland: Let's be honest, Animal Control is not the most effective branch of our government.
Leslie Knope: They're a bunch of burned-out morons.
Evelyn Roushland: Well, you have the reputation as a person who gets things done. So we'd like you to form a little task force, find the animal, and put it down.
Leslie Knope: Task force?
Evelyn Roushland: Needless to say, the Mayor will be very grateful for your help.
Leslie Knope: Ma'am, the next time we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal, the man is a god.

Quote from Tom

Tom: How long do you think It would take me to learn golf, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: I could teach you. I have a 16 handicap. But you know, it takes a lot of practice. You have to get up early, hit the range, practice reading greens.
Tom: See, I don't wanna do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Evelyn Roushland: We think that this is a great P.R. opportunity, so we've arranged for a reporter from the Journal to stop by to interview, get some pictures of the team.
Leslie Knope: Task force. Great.
Evelyn Roushland: And next time you need a special favor from the mayor's office, give me a call.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, I will. I need so many special favors. Which one should I choose?
Evelyn Roushland: Well, you don't have to choose right--
Leslie Knope: How about an extra recycling can? No. Laminated bus pass? No. What time do you usually go to sleep? 'cause my best ideas usually come to me at night.
Evelyn Roushland: Let's stick to business hours, shall we?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, all right.

Quote from Andy

Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Hi, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Hi! Andy, you remember Shauna Malwae-Tweep From the Pawnee journal.
Andy: How could I forget? You wrote the article when I fell in the pit. And then afterwards had sex with Mark, and everyone talked about it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [sings] Fairway Frank, you're gonna die You're gonna fry, oh, yeah You guilty son-of-a-bitch You're gonna fry when they flip that switch

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, April, can I talk to you about this situation with the possum?
April: No.
Leslie Knope: Okay, hypothetically, if you were going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale. And while you were catching the whale you saw something else that may also be another whale, and you were like, "what?" But then you thought, maybe it's not a whale? Maybe it's a big fish. Maybe it's a submarine with a face painted on it. The point is, If I kill the first whale, am I technically a murderer?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Evelyn Roushland: Now, Leslie, you did a great job. And the mayor knows that you did a great job. Now where is the possum?
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry but he's somewhere. You'll never find it. And he's gonna stay there until the truth comes out. And I will not reveal his location, no matter how much you ask me. But I'm gonna stop talking now 'cause I'm afraid I may accidentally say where it is. So please go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This is interesting. They put down a raccoon that bit a jogger in a park in Staten Island.
Tom: Wow.
Leslie Knope: And in Walnut Creek, California, they put down a duck that bit a kid. But security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose.
Tom: That's great.
Leslie Knope: No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?

Quote from Mark

Ron Swanson: I haven't even started yet.
Mark: I know. I thought you could use some help. Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. You know what I'm sayin'?
Ron Swanson: Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes--
Mark: Ron, shut up, would you please? I'm taking a half day off to come and help you out because you're my friend. So just shut up.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I'm bringing my workshop up to the Swanson code. And if the Swanson code happens to overlap with the city government code-
Mark: [o.s.] Shut up!


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