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‘Ron & Tammy: Part Two’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ron & Tammy: Part Two

304. Ron & Tammy: Part Two

Aired February 10, 2011

Fed up of seeing Ron with his ex-wife Wendy, Tom shows up to a party with Ron's ex-wife Tammy (guest star Megan Mullally). Meanwhile, Leslie and Ben try to win over the Pawnee Police Force so they'll volunteer to protect the Harvest Festival.

Quote from Ann

Chris: I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle. I'd like the bottle to be cold.
Ann: I would like a glass of white wine. I would like it to be chardonnay. And I would like that with one ice cube. Thanks.


Quote from Ron Swanson

Wendy: They're getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as... A companion.
Wendy: Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?
Ron Swanson: [chokes, spits, laughs] Canada. No, I don't suppose I would.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I know Tammy seems scary. But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-pedaling, sex-crazed she-demon.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [on video] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices... One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. You stupid [bleep].
Ron Swanson: This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.
Leslie Knope: That was you on the tape. That was you talking.

Quote from Donna

Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. Well, the people in this room are your methadone. And we're here to get you clean.
Jerry: [enters] Congratulations. Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour.
Leslie Knope: Jerry, what is this?
Jerry: That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry.
Leslie Knope: This is an intervention.
Jerry: I thought you said on the phone it was a reception.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Jack Cooper: Ron? Jack Cooper, from the controller's office. Got a second?
Ron Swanson: Sure, what can I do you for?
Jack Cooper: Frankly, this is a little awkward. We've received this letter from a collection agency about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library. It appears you have an overdue book.
Ron Swanson: Oh, do I?
Jack Cooper: "It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis."
Ron Swanson: Tammy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to [bleep] everything up.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, I pre-dialed 911, so all you have to do is press send.
Ron Swanson: You're worrying over nothing.
Leslie Knope: If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So we are throwing a little shindig for the police department because we're asking them to volunteer as security during the Harvest Festival. I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything, but it does. And they do.

Quote from Andy

Tom: I don't want to see them together. It's like they're rubbing it in my face. So all I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
Andy: And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her?
Tom: What?
Andy: No, just, Captain Mustache? I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know... [grunting] .. Maybe put him in some tights and a cape and then... and then it would be funny.
Tom: Now, I'm imagining a cape.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I'd like you to get me some more Post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.
April: Got it. You want five million orange post-its.
Chris: [laughs] That's hilarious. Oh, wait! I have a Post-it for you. It says, "Great job."
April: Mmm.
Chris: Great job!
April: Mmm.
Chris: There you go.
[aside to camera: April holds up an orange Post-it reading "Help!"]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Hey, I hate to nag, but shouldn't we be talking strategy, like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favor?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I know exactly when we should do it. Post pizza, pre ice cream, between his third and fourth beer. He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk. Should be around 9:00.
Ben: Okay, so you've thought this through.
Leslie Knope: Just sit tight. I'll get you a beer.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Hey, you okay?
Ron Swanson: Wendy and I are over. She's moving back to Canada. It's too bad. I just taught her how to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick.
Leslie Knope: Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Leslie. That does not apply to this situation at all. But thank you. I appreciate it.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Chief Trumple?
Chief Trumple: Hey, Knope.
Leslie Knope: You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office.
Chief Trumple: Yeah, how's it going?
Ben: Hello.
Chief Trumple: Thanks for the party. Good pizza.
Ben: Great. So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it?
Chief Trumple: I just said it was good pizza. It's good. Pizza's good.
Ben: You, uh, you know what I like? Calzones.
Chief Trumple: What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Leslie Knope: It's all right. We'll check in with you later.
Ben: Take it easy.
Chief Trumple: Yeah, will do.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Tammy, leave him out of this.
Tammy Two: Oh, so it's okay for you to have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody?
Ron Swanson: Damn it, woman. Just crawl back in to the dank hole you came from and leave my friends alone. [Tammy slaps Ron]
Police Officer #1: Oh! Okay, okay. Let's settle down. What seems to be the problem?
Police Officer #2: What seems to be the problem?
Police Officer #3: Is there a problem here?
[aside to camera:]
Police Officer #1: Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature.
Police Officer #2: White male, 40, 45.
Police Officer #3: Caucasian male. Stocky build.
Police Officer #4: Approximately 5'10".
Chief Trumple: Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 P.M. with a female unsub. Appears to be slightly intoxicated. Claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work.
Police Officer #1: Real piece of work.
Police Officer #2: Real piece of work.
Police Officer #3: Real piece of work.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chief Trumple: They started having sex at the court house. We had no choice.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, I completely understand. Chief, I need to ask you a huge favor.
Ben: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Ron is a good man who just got caught up in something terrible. And I was hoping that maybe you would reduce his charges and release him into my custody.
Chief Trumple: All right. But keep him away from that crazy librarian.
Leslie Knope: I'll do my best.
Chief Trumple: In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.
Leslie Knope: That's good advice for all of us.
Chief Trumple: Nothing but trouble there.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: High and tight.
Tom: Do you think it's gonna leave a scar?
Ron Swanson: Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.
Tom: Sorry, Ron, about everything.
Ron Swanson: Ah. To true love. May we both find it.
Tom: I'll drink to that. Nice glasses.
Ron Swanson: Wedding present from Jerry.
Tom: You're not gonna return them?
Ron Swanson: Nah. Too much hassle.

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