Chris: I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle. I'd like the bottle to be cold.
Ann: I would like a glass of white wine. I would like it to be chardonnay. And I would like that with one ice cube. Thanks.

Wendy: They're getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as... A companion.
Wendy: Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?
Ron Swanson: [chokes, spits, laughs] Canada. No, I don't suppose I would.

Ron Swanson: [on video] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices... One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. You stupid [bleep].
Ron Swanson: This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.
Leslie Knope: That was you on the tape. That was you talking.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I know Tammy seems scary. But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-pedaling, sex-crazed she-demon.

Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, Levondrious, who I hate.

Leslie Knope: Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. Well, the people in this room are your methadone. And we're here to get you clean.
Jerry: [enters] Congratulations. Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour.
Leslie Knope: Jerry, what is this?
Jerry: That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry.
Leslie Knope: This is an intervention.
Jerry: I thought you said on the phone it was a reception.

Jack Cooper: Ron? Jack Cooper, from the controller's office. Got a...got a second?
Ron Swanson: Sure, what can I do you for?
Jack Cooper: Frankly, this is a little awkward. We've received this letter from a collection agency about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library. It appears you have an overdue book.
Ron Swanson: Oh, do I?
Jack Cooper: "It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis."
Ron Swanson: Tammy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to [bleep] everything up.

Ron Swanson: Tammy, leave him out of this.
Tammy Two: Oh, so it's okay for you to have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody?
Ron Swanson: Damn it, woman. Just crawl back in to the dank hole you came from and leave my friends alone. [Tammy slaps Ron]
Police Officer #1: Oh! Okay, okay. Let's settle down. What seems to be the problem?
Police Officer #2: What seems to be the problem?
Police Officer #3: Is there a problem here?
[aside to camera:]
Police Officer #1: Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature.
Police Officer #2: White male, 40, 45.
Police Officer #3: Caucasian male. Stocky build.
Police Officer #4: Approximately 5'10".
Chief Trumple: Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 P.M. with a female unsub. Appears to be slightly intoxicated. Claims to be an ex-spouse. Real piece of work.
Police Officer #1: Real piece of work.
Police Officer #2: Real piece of work.
Police Officer #3: Real piece of work.

Ron Swanson: High and tight.
Tom: Do you think it's gonna leave a scar?
Ron Swanson: Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.
Tom: Sorry, Ron, about everything.
Ron Swanson: Ah. To true love. May we both find it.
Tom: I'll drink to that. Nice glasses.
Ron Swanson: Wedding present from Jerry.
Tom: You're not gonna return them?
Ron Swanson: Nah. Too much hassle.

Leslie Knope: Okay, I pre-dialed 911, so all you have to do is press send.
Ron Swanson: You're worrying over nothing.
Leslie Knope: If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.