Burt Macklin, FBI
The best quotes from Andy Dwyer's alter-ego, FBI agent Burt Macklin.
Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.
Ron Swanson: Right, now the four of us are going to divvy up all these meetings. Just make 'em feel like they've been heard. Understood?
Andy: Yes, sir. Burt Macklin, FBI, on the case.
Ron Swanson: April, you take Leslie's office. Andy, you're in the conference room. Ann, take your meetings in the courtyard. Just sit there and don't ruin the city. Dismissed.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Andy: Can I get a badge?
Ron Swanson: Where's Andy?
April: [shouts] Andy! Ron's on!
Andy: [connect chime] Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Where are you, son? Why are you in another room? Are you quarantining?
Andy: No... Well, kinda. I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.
Ron Swanson: Why doesn't April let you out?
Andy: Oh, Ron. Burt Macklin, FBI, does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.
Ron Swanson: How long have you been in there?
Andy: Two days. I'm pretty hungry.
Andy: Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, MD?
April: Where did you get that?
Andy: I found it in the sandbox.
Donna: Go Macklin. Macklin's the hottest.
Andy: Burt Macklin Junior?
April: Mm, we need a Halloween angle. How about... Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?
Andy: Oh, I like that. Yeah. Or maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o-Lantern Dwyer? We call him "Jack" for short.
[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
April: Agent Macklin, I need you. Some thieves are trying to steal the legendary Snakehole Sapphire.
Andy: What the-- No! That sapphire has the power to activate the Cuban Missile Crisis.
April: Damn it, Macklin! I love it when you take charge. Make love to me, you fool, you animal! [doorbell rings]
Andy: [grunts] Okay, rain-check that, all right? They're here.
All: Trick or treat!
Andy: Oh! Look at them! Here you go, you little monsters. I love this. You guys are the best.
Andy: My name is Burt Macklin. I investigate stinky feet for the FBI. [plays guitar and sings] Stinky feet patrol ♪
Stinky feet patrol [kids cheer] Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! [yelling]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is so fun. I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.
April: Help me, Agent Macklin, help me! He's stolen my jewels, and now he's going to ravish my body and he stinks, he really stinks!
Jerry: Okay, Janet Snakehole belongs to mother Russia now.
Andy: Oh, that's what you think! I hope you like pain! Pow!
April: Say the line.
Andy: Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian... off to jail.
Andy: Oh, babe, thank God you're here. I got so bored, I started thinking about existence. "Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?" Just dumb stuff like that.
April: Ugh! Who cares?
Andy: [sighs I thought being a security guard would be exciting. Nope.
April: Wait a minute. Isn't this how all great Burt Macklin cases start? It's quiet. A little too quiet.
Andy: [clears throat] Greg Pikitis? [lunges at Greg] Would you like some boiling hot coffee in your face? [smashes mug] My name is Burt Macklin. I'm with the [beep] FBI.
Andy: All right, let's go to the video again. Sweet kick, Leslie exits the building, and then you get hit. [laughs] What else do we know? We know that Leslie was about 15 feet in front of you, so clearly the assailant has terrible aim. Mm-hmm. Or... Leslie wasn't the target.
Jerry: Well, who then? [Andy draws on the TV] Okay, that's permanent marker.
Andy: Go find Ben, get a list of everyone he's ever fired. Go, go! Macklin, you son of a bitch.
Andy: Hi, Chris. Uh, Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document.
Chris: "To whom it may concern, dear Chris, there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, and April may just be the only person who can help. I can't get into details because it's super-classified. Please release April back to us permanently. God bless America. Love, Burt Macklin, FBI."
April: Okay. Well, bye.
Chris: April, listen. If you don't want to work for me, I'm not gonna force you. You didn't have to do this.
Andy: She didn't do that. That... that was... Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.
Andy: Hello, strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?
Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they had until I was framed for a crime I didn't commit...
[gasps] Stealing the president's rubies. Now I work alone.
April: Lovely to meet you.
Andy: I got to admit, uh, I thought your costume would maybe be a little bit sluttier.
April: [slaps Andy] How dare you?
Andy: Miss Snakehole. You think I'd let you get away that easily? Burt Macklin may be dead, but I'm his brother Kip Hackman.
Kyle: Why wouldn't you have his same last name?
Andy: Shut up, Kyle. I know you boosted those paintings.
April: Maybe it was me, but I'll never tell you where they are. And you'll never have my body either.
[Andy stands up to follow April, but feels sick and falls back down before projectile vomiting on Kyle]
Quote from Andy in The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show
Andy: My name is Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin. [funky music]
Andy: I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant. Just drain the ocean.
Quote from Andy in The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show
Andy: I don't give a crap, Batman. You work for me. Increase the perimeter!
Donna: Macklin, the President's called six times. If we don't get that guitar back, the peace in Iraq will be canceled.
Andy: Get off my back, Chief! I'm doing the best I can. I don't play by the rules. But I get results.
Donna: Dang it! You're right again, Macklin. And I'm sorry. You're the best agent I've seen. And I've worked with James Bond. This clue may help.
Donna: It was left at the crime scene.
Andy: You're dismissed. This case just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I'm drowning in the adult end of the pool, and the lifeguard's off in the bathroom pooping. [laughter] That's good writing. Johnny Karate's guitar has been stolen. That instrument is worth literally $900 million. But more importantly, he can't play The Good-bye Song without it. So, by the time this show is over, I will find who stole it, and they will pay the ultimate price.
Perd Hapley: A one-way ticket to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank!
Andy: All that and more, on The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show!
Andy: Leslie, wait here. Burt Macklin is on the case.
Leslie Knope: Andy.
Andy: No. Don't worry. I can do this. Believe in me!
[Andy jumps over the counter, taking a computer monitor with him]
Andy: That's broken. [runs to the back office then returns] Hold on. Leslie. Real quick. Uh, spell your last name for me.
Chris: I am scaring you!
April: I could see you. There's, like, a million mirrors in front of me. And you're never gonna make me not miss Andy, okay?
Chris: What about this? I'm Burt Macklin, friendly lifeguard.
April: Burt Macklin is not a lifeguard. He's an FBI agent.
Chris: Really? That's even harder to believe.
April: Just stop, okay? Your lame attempts at trying to cheer me up are not working. Now I'm sad that I miss Andy and sad that I can't make fun of you to Andy.
Chris: I understand. I'm sorry. I've failed you, both as a scary monster and a friend.
Ann: Oh, my God. Someone we know is pregnant? I'm trying to get pregnant. That's not fair. I mean, great, and happy for them, and congratulations, whatever, but ooh! No! Boo!
Ann: We have to find out who this is.
Andy: Whoa, I don't think so. Burt Macklin works alone.
Ann: I will buy lunch. You can have as many burgers as you want.
Andy: Welcome to the FBI.
Andy: Oh, hello...Ann.
Ann: Oh, boy. What do you want, Macklin?
Andy: Me? Just observing. A little something they taught us down at Quantico. Well, I guess I'll get out of your hair. Wait, there is just one more question. Congratulations.
Ann: Is that a question?
Andy: It's an accusation, 'cause I know your secret. You're pregnant.
Ann: What? I'm not pregnant.
Andy: You're not? Damn it. Who is? 'Cause I found this at Ron Swanson's cabin. It's a pregnancy test.
April: I'm sorry to see you go, Macklin. You didn't always play by the rules, but damn it, you were a hell of an agent.
Andy: Today I say good-bye to the only life I've ever known.
April: Well, some of the boys chipped in and we got you... This. [a piece of paper which reads "You were in the F.B.I."] It isn't much, but it's something to remember us by.
Andy: 40 years undercover. I never even met my family.
Andy: And this is all I have to show for it? Totally worth it.
April: It's been a pleasure serving with you, son.
Andy: If you ever need me, you know where to find me. In bed next to you, probably having sex with you.
[April uses a phone app to give a 21-gun salute]
April: Wow. You made those losers very happy.
Andy: Oh, no, I didn't. Burt Macklin did.
April: Actually, Burt Macklin kinda made that little boy cry.
Andy: Well, he's a rogue agent who refuses to play by the rules.
April: Seriously, I think Andy Dwyer makes a better real cop than Burt Macklin. Maybe it's time for Burt Macklin to hang up his shades.
Andy: You can't run, Hitler. 82nd airborne is everywhere! [to camera] History Channel. Ho ho ho! What is this? A child spy, sent to steal the necklace? Burt Macklin, FBI! Freeze!
Joey: I didn't do anything!
April: Yeah, bad call, Burt.
Andy: Oh. Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy. I'm just playing around. My name's really Andy Dwyer. I'm a security guard. What's your name?
Joey: Joey. I was with my mom, and I got lost.
Andy: Oh. Well, gosh, don't worry about that. I've gotten lost here about 500 times, and I work here. What do you say we go find your mom, huh? [opens closet door] She's not in there. I'll bet. Let's try this way.
Andy: The name is special agent Burt Macklin. Tell me who you are, who you work for, and don't bother trying to lie to me, because I'm amazing.
April: [accent] My name is Judy Hitler, and I am the spoiled only daughter of Adolf. And I'm going to tell my Daddy you were mean to me, Burt Macklin. He's not going to like it very much. So untie me!
Andy: Nice try, Miss Hitler, but you have something that I want. Where's the necklace with all of Germany's war secrets?
April: I don't know what you are talking about.
Andy: I think you do!
April: I don't! [chair thuds]
Andy: Now, you give me that war-ending necklace, or I will resort to torture.
April: Fine. I will show you where it is, damn it. You're too good, Macklin.
Andy: Don't you do it, Hitler. Don't you dare fall in love with me. Oh, Hitler, you sexy bastard.