Burt Macklin, FBI Page 1 of 3    

Burt Macklin, FBI

The best quotes from Andy Dwyer's alter-ego, FBI agent Burt Macklin.

Quote from Andy in Are You Better Off?

Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.


Quote from Andy in Born & Raised

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.

Quote from Andy in 94 Meetings

Ron Swanson: Right, now the four of us are going to divvy up all these meetings. Just make 'em feel like they've been heard. Understood?
Andy: Yes, sir. Burt Macklin, FBI, on the case.
Ron Swanson: April, you take Leslie's office. Andy, you're in the conference room. Ann, take your meetings in the courtyard. Just sit there and don't ruin the city. Dismissed.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Andy: Can I get a badge?

Quote from Andy in A Parks and Recreation Special

Ron Swanson: Where's Andy?
April: [shouts] Andy! Ron's on!
Andy: [connect chime] Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Where are you, son? Why are you in another room? Are you quarantining?
Andy: No... Well, kinda. I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.
Ron Swanson: Why doesn't April let you out?
Andy: Oh, Ron. Burt Macklin, FBI, does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.
Ron Swanson: How long have you been in there?
Andy: Two days. I'm pretty hungry.

Quote from Andy in One Last Ride (Part 2)

Andy: Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, MD?
April: Where did you get that?
Andy: I found it in the sandbox.
April: Ew!
Donna: Go Macklin. Macklin's the hottest.

Quote from Andy in One Last Ride (Part 1)

[Halloween, 2023:]
Andy: Burt Macklin Junior?
April: Mm, we need a Halloween angle. How about... Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?
Andy: Oh, I like that. Yeah. Or maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o-Lantern Dwyer? We call him "Jack" for short.

Quote from Andy in One Last Ride (Part 1)

[Washington, D.C. 2022:]
April: Agent Macklin, I need you. Some thieves are trying to steal the legendary Snakehole Sapphire.
Andy: What the-- No! That sapphire has the power to activate the Cuban Missile Crisis.
April: Damn it, Macklin! I love it when you take charge. Make love to me, you fool, you animal! [doorbell rings]
Andy: [grunts] Okay, rain-check that, all right? They're here.
All: Trick or treat!
Andy: Oh! Look at them! Here you go, you little monsters. I love this. You guys are the best.

Quote from Andy in Farmers Market

Andy: My name is Burt Macklin. I investigate stinky feet for the FBI. [plays guitar and sings] Stinky feet patrol ♪
Stinky feet patrol [kids cheer] Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! [yelling]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is so fun. I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.

Quote from Andy in End of the World

April: Help me, Agent Macklin, help me! He's stolen my jewels, and now he's going to ravish my body and he stinks, he really stinks!
Jerry: Okay, Janet Snakehole belongs to mother Russia now.
Andy: Oh, that's what you think! I hope you like pain! Pow!
April: Say the line.
Andy: Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian... off to jail.

Quote from Andy in Pawnee Commons

Andy: Oh, babe, thank God you're here. I got so bored, I started thinking about existence. "Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?" Just dumb stuff like that.
April: Ugh! Who cares?
Andy: [sighs I thought being a security guard would be exciting. Nope.
April: Wait a minute. Isn't this how all great Burt Macklin cases start? It's quiet. A little too quiet.

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