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‘The Comeback Kid’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Comeback Kid

411. The Comeback Kid

Aired January 12, 2012

Leslie relaunches her campaign with help from her colleagues, who try to organize a rally. Meanwhile, Ben uses his period of unemployment to explore his hobbies.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: Ron, how's the stage coming?
Ron Swanson: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Good lord, what happened to the rest of my face?
Andy: We had to "Jetsons" most of the poster too, but I kind of like it, 'cause windows are the eyes to the house.

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Quote from Tom

Tom: [on the phone] Akash, buddy, of course I came to you first. You're the best carpet man in Pawnee. But here's my question. Do your carpets match your drapes? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron, you're constructing the stage?
Ron Swanson: Yes, ma'am.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Leslie wanted to hire a contractor to build a stage. I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Officer, I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now, I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
Police Officer: Well, you got four people in the front seat, nobody's wearing a seat belt, you were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone, the rear of the vehicle's open, debris has been falling out, and you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Ron Swanson: Okay. Well, we have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Police Officer: I need to see your hands and could you step out of the vehicle, please?

Quote from Ben

Chris: Hey, man, you want to go for a jog? Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs, get some endorphins going?
Ben: Oh, no, thanks, Chris. Kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
Chris: You know, Ben, I really think you need to take a step back here. I think getting some perspective would be good.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Chris: I've known you a long time. And, right now, you need help.
Ben: With my Claymaish?
Chris: With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I've accomplished. Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as a positive thing, but I'm starting to think it actually might be a problem.

Quote from Ben

Chris: So, Ben... Why Calzone?
Ben: Glad you asked, Chris. You know, there's fast food hamburgers. There's fast food Mexican. There's fast food Chinese. Blah blah blah. Have you ever wondered why there isn't a fast food option for Italian food?
Chris: What about pizza?
Ben: Pizza? Never heard of it. That's what people will be saying in 20 years, because pizza is old news, Chris. Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.
Chris: Never thought of it that way.
Ben: What I'm talking about is a portable, delicious meal, that is it's own container. It's a whole new spin on Italian fast casual dining.
Chris: Amazing.
Ben: And you of all people will like this. I'm gonna use low-fat ingredients.
Chris: Game-changer.
Ben: And I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery "The Low-cal Calzone Zone."
Chris: That idea is literally the greatest idea I've ever heard in my life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: That idea is terrible.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's true. I no longer have highly-trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly-trained, professional assassins? No. They're committed by friends and coworkers. That analogy was way better in my head.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: You look like a real campaign manager.
Ann: Oh, thanks, that's because I googled "campaign manager" and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.
Leslie Knope: See, there's more things to look at on the Internet besides naked guys, Ann.
Ann: What?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, goody, you're all here. Now, I know I'm not supposed to talk about my campaign in the office, but last night I've made a decision about who should be my campaign manager. This is a huge job. This is going to require a lot of late night, one-on-one jam sessions with me, and we're going to bounce ideas off of each other, you're going to have to take calls for me, any time, day or night. The person I have chosen is, drum roll please, [imitates drum roll] Ann Perkins! Give it up for Ann! [applause]
Ron Swanson: Good choice.
Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
Ann: No, I haven't.
Leslie Knope: You haven't?
Ann: No!
Leslie Knope: You will. You're that good of a nurse.

Quote from Andy

Ann: So Leslie and I have come up with the theme for the campaign relaunch rally.
Leslie Knope: "The Comeback Kid."
Ann: Everyone loves a good comeback story. Rocky.
Leslie Knope: Robert Downey, Jr.
Andy: Terminator said, "I'll be back," and he was.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Also making a comeback, the casual Hawaiian shirt.
Jerry: Well, well, well, look, who's ahead of the curve.
Tom: I was joking. You should soak that in bleach and burn it.

Quote from Chris

Ben: What's up, Chris? Come on in, man.
Chris: I already did. So, uh, how you been? How are you doing? How are you?
Ben: Great, actually. I'm just learning how to make a "cali-zoin-za." Or, as you Americans like to say, calzones. Do you want one?
Chris: No, I find calzone fatty, and unnecessary.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I need a team update, campaign manager.
Ann: Okay. Pistol Pete Disellio will be here in five minutes.
Leslie Knope: I still can't believe that you got him.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ann got local hero Pistol Pete Disellio to endorse me at the rally. In 1992, Pistol Pete's last-second dunk against Eagleton High clinched a comeback victory for the Pawnee Central Drunken Savages. Team mascot later changed.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [laughs] Oh, Champion is a way better kisser than you are, babe.
April: Nuh-uh!
Andy: Yes, he is. He's even a better kisser than me. Here, try some.
Tom: Okay, stop it. He's drooling on me!
Andy: Oh! [honks truck horn]
Ron Swanson: This is unsafe.
Andy: Ha ha! Oh, we should do it for the kids. Kids love it, Ron. Just for the kids. [honks truck horn] Hi, kids! Hey!
[police siren] Oh, look. The police even love it. They're sirening back to us. [gasps] That's awesome, I'm just going to tell them that we heard them. [honks truck horn] Heard ya, bud!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: And then, you come out, and you dunk the ball, and you say, "Voting for Leslie Knope is a slam dunk!" You can still dunk, right?
Pete: Oh, I can, but I won't.
Leslie Knope: Sorry?
Pete: Look, everywhere I go, everybody wants me to talk about that dunk, and that game. It feels like I'm living in the past.
Leslie Knope: But the past is great. The jitterbug, stagecoaches, Herman Munster.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Oh, my God. That's the whole thing. That's three weeks of work.
Chris: You're gonna be okay.
Ben: No, no, no, no, I'm not. You see, in my head, I thought that was really, really cool. I emailed Leslie two days ago and I compared it to Avatar, Chris, and how can it not be longer?
Chris: Okay, look, what you're feeling, right now is regret and shame.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Mm-mm. Here you go. Drink up, because it has every herb in my herb belt.
Ben: Oh. Tastes like a belt.
Chris: I know, isn't it awful? But it works wonderfully.
Chris: So, tell me. Do you admit that you're depressed?
Ben: How did you know? I didn't even know.
Chris: The Letters to Cleo t-shirt, the unshaven face, the Doc Martins, and your hair does not have that normal, uptight, rigid, inflexible Ben Wyatt sense of fun. You can't hide these things from friends.
Ben: I think I'm feeling better.
Chris: Herbal smoothie, you have done it again.


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