Leslie Knope: Ron, how's the stage coming?
Ron Swanson: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Good lord, what happened to the rest of my face?
Andy: We had to "Jetsons" most of the poster too, but I kind of like it, 'cause windows are the eyes to the house.

Tom: [on the phone] Akash, buddy, of course I came to you first. You're the best carpet man in Pawnee. But here's my question. Do your carpets match your drapes? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

Leslie Knope: Ron, you're constructing the stage?
Ron Swanson: Yes, ma'am.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Leslie wanted to hire a contractor to build a stage. I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Ron Swanson: Officer, I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now, I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
Police Officer: Well, you got four people in the front seat, nobody's wearing a seat belt, you were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone, the rear of the vehicle's open, debris has been falling out, and you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Ron Swanson: Okay. Well, we have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Police Officer: I need to see your hands and could you step out of the vehicle, please?

Chris: Hey, man, you want to go for a jog? Just, sort of, kick out the cobwebs, get some endorphins going?
Ben: Oh, no, thanks, Chris. Kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
Chris: You know, Ben, I really think you need to take a step back here. I think getting some perspective would be good.
Ben: What are you talking about?
Chris: I've known you a long time. And, right now, you need help.
Ben: With my Claymaish?
Chris: With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed. I mean, look at what I've accomplished. Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as a positive thing, but I'm starting to think it actually might be a problem.

Chris: So, Ben... Why Calzone?
Ben: Glad you asked, Chris. You know, there's fast food hamburgers. There's fast food Mexican. There's fast food Chinese. Blah blah blah. Have you ever wondered why there isn't a fast food option for Italian food?
Chris: What about pizza?
Ben: Pizza? Never heard of it. That's what people will be saying in 20 years, because pizza is old news, Chris. Pizza is your grandfather's calzone.
Chris: Never thought of it that way.
Ben: What I'm talking about is a portable, delicious meal, that is its own container. It's a whole new spin on Italian fast casual dining.
Chris: Amazing.
Ben: And you of all people will like this. I'm gonna use low-fat ingredients.
Chris: Game-changer.
Ben: And I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery "The Low-cal Calzone Zone."
Chris: That idea is literally the greatest idea I've ever heard in my life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: That idea is terrible.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's true. I no longer have highly-trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly-trained, professional assassins? No. They're committed by friends and coworkers. That analogy was way better in my head.

Leslie Knope: You look like a real campaign manager.
Ann: Oh, thanks, that's because I googled "campaign manager" and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.
Leslie Knope: See, there's more things to look at on the Internet besides naked guys, Ann.
Ann: What?

Leslie Knope: Oh, goody, you're all here. Now, I know I'm not supposed to talk about my campaign in the office, but last night I've made a decision about who should be my campaign manager. This is a huge job. This is going to require a lot of late night, one-on-one jam sessions with me, and we're going to bounce ideas off of each other, you're going to have to take calls for me, any time, day or night. The person I have chosen is, drum roll please, [imitates drum roll] Ann Perkins! Give it up for Ann! [applause]
Ron Swanson: Good choice.
Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
Ann: No, I haven't.
Leslie Knope: You haven't?
Ann: No!
Leslie Knope: You will. You're that good of a nurse.