Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ron Swanson: Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture. I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Ben: Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach them the right values. But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
Ron Swanson: I'd never lose to a boar. [dart hits board]

Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Ron Swanson: Nice try. I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.

Ben: Okay, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
Ron Swanson: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.
Ben: Ron, that document is nothing. It's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
Ron Swanson: Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Ben: Whoa. I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.
Ron Swanson: Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.
Ben: Oh, that's... probably true.

Tom: [British accent] So, why does Doctors Without Borders want to come to Pawnee?
Nadia: Pawnee is like a petri dish of weird diseases. Did you know you have a higher rate of the West Nile virus than the actual Western Nile?
Tom: Sorry, West Nile, looks like Pawnee wins again.
Nadia: What else have you beaten the Western Nile in?
Tom: Cricket. Uh... just fill out these forms, and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.

Trevor Nelsson: I don't even need an exact number. Just ballpark it. That's all I need to get started.
Ben: Or, I'm sure the state government would love to use your money to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library.
Ron Swanson: Fine, a ballpark figure.
Trevor Nelsson: Thank you. God.
[Ron writes on a Post-it note and hands it to Trevor]
Trevor Nelsson: Holy [bleep]. Is this a joke?
Ron Swanson: Another word for "jokes" is "lies." I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.
Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, an estate of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives. This is going to take some time. Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.
Ron Swanson: That's enough. I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight. Here's my original will. Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official, and I will sign it. Good day.
Trevor Nelsson: Wait. What are all these symbols?
Ron Swanson: [laughs] I was right not to be threatened by you.

Leslie Knope: We all know that I cannot spend as much money on ads as my opponent, but I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign and it says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't," and suddenly, it reads, "Recall Knope? Don't."
Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope"?
Leslie Knope: Yep, that's a much better idea.

Ron Swanson: Benjamin, after thinking about what you said, I've decided to leave each of my children 5% of my fortune.
Ben: Wow, 5 whole percent. So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson. Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money. Wait, is this a joke?
Trevor Nelsson: It is not a joke. Not that an accountant would know the difference.
Ron Swanson: Also, if something should happen to Diane and me, we decided that the kids should go to the most important people in our lives.
Ben: Ron, I'm... I'm incredibly flattered.
Ron Swanson: Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone. However, if they are not able to do it, which seems likely, as they're in their 90s, you and Leslie are choice number two.
Ben: I'm honored.

Leslie Knope: Hey, I've gained a lot of ground in the polls. That's good news.
Ben: Yeah, I have you down only four points, but they're running a ton of new negative ads. Maybe you should fight back.
Leslie Knope: Ben, your heart's in the right place. Your heart and your butt. I will not go negative. Crap on a turd!
Man: Care for a "Recall Knope" gift bag?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The committee to recall Leslie Knope is relentless. Look what they're handing out at elementary schools.
Leslie Knope doll: [recorded voice] "I'm Leslie Knope. Tell your parents to recall me. [extensive flatulence]"