Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Gin It Up!’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Gin It Up!

605. Gin It Up!

Aired October 17, 2013

Leslie's opponents drum up a media circus when Donna accidentally sends a saucy tweet from the department's Twitter account. Meanwhile, Ben talks a reluctant Ron into getting a will drawn up, and Tom falls for a visiting doctor who wants to set up a vaccination program in a local park.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Rate

Quote from Ron Swanson

Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Ron Swanson: Nice try. I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture. I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Ben: Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach them the right values. But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
Ron Swanson: I'd never lose to a boar. [dart hits board]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Okay, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
Ron Swanson: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.
Ben: Ron, that document is nothing. It's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
Ron Swanson: Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Whoa. I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.
Ron Swanson: Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.
Ben: Oh, that's... probably true.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [British accent] So, why does Doctors Without Borders want to come to Pawnee?
Nadia: Pawnee is like a petri dish of weird diseases. Did you know you have a higher rate of the West Nile virus than the actual Western Nile?
Tom: Sorry, West Nile, looks like Pawnee wins again.
Nadia: What else have you beaten the Western Nile in?
Tom: Cricket. Uh... just fill out these forms, and we will be all set like two biscuits inside a tin.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Trevor Nelsson: I don't even need an exact number. Just ballpark it. That's all I need to get started.
Ben: Or, I'm sure the state government would love to use your money to hire more bureaucrats, maybe build a library.
Ron Swanson: Fine, a ballpark figure.
Trevor Nelsson: Thank you. God.
[Ron writes on a Post-it note and hands it to Trevor]
Trevor Nelsson: Holy [bleep]. Is this a joke?
Ron Swanson: Another word for "jokes" is "lies." I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.
Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, an estate of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives. This is going to take some time. Trusts need to be drawn, tax shelters.
Ron Swanson: That's enough. I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight. Here's my original will. Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official, and I will sign it. Good day.
Trevor Nelsson: Wait. What are all these symbols?
Ron Swanson: [laughs] I was right not to be threatened by you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: We all know that I cannot spend as much money on ads as my opponent, but I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign and it says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't," and suddenly, it reads, "Recall Knope? Don't."
Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope"?
Leslie Knope: Yep, that's a much better idea.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, I've gained a lot of ground in the polls. That's good news.
Ben: Yeah, I have you down only four points, but they're running a ton of new negative ads. Maybe you should fight back.
Leslie Knope: Ben, your heart's in the right place. Your heart and your butt. I will not go negative. Crap on a turd!
Man: Care for a "Recall Knope" gift bag?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The committee to recall Leslie Knope is relentless. Look what they're handing out at elementary schools.
Leslie Knope doll: [recorded voice] "I'm Leslie Knope. Tell your parents to recall me. [extensive flatulence]"

Quote from Tom

Nadia: Um, I called earlier about the free vaccinations thing. We're hoping to set up a mobile hospital in one of your parks. [Tom stares at Nadia from very close range] I'm sorry, is there something wrong with him?
April: Tom, this witch wants to reserve a park for her satanic ritual. Can you help her?
Tom: [British accent] Right. Smashing. Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford. I sort of run the whole department. Um, what was the name, then?
Nadia: Uh, Nadia Statsky. I'm from Doctors Without Borders.
Tom: Brilliant. The old "D"s without "B"s. Uh, we can definitely help.
April: Yeah, Tom's your guy. He actually used to run the Parks Department in his home country of Russia.
Tom: [laughs] This one is mental. She's joking, obviously. How could I be from Russia? Not with this spot-on British accent. We can definitely get you sorted. Right this way.

Quote from Donna

Chris: Donna, there is trouble a-brewin'.
Leslie Knope: We think that you may have accidentally tweeted from the Parks and Rec account rather than your own personal account.
Donna: Uh-oh. What'd it say?
Leslie Knope: "See you tonight. Hope you like tongue baths, you big, nasty fireman."
Chris: Then there's a picture of a pair of lips and then a picture of an eggplant. I'm both confused, and if we're being totally honest, a little aroused.
Leslie Knope: Ew.
Donna: Not to give you too much of a peek into my personal life, but this could have been way worse.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: I'm here live, at a press conference, where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will discuss a government scandal we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until we can find a snappier name for it.

Quote from Chris

Donna: Ugh. Ooh, this is bad. I'm gonna get fired.
Leslie Knope: No one is getting fired, okay? Jamm is trying to use this to hurt me in the recall. He's trying to take me down, and he's willing to attack my friends in the process? No. No way. Not on my watch.
Chris: Not on her watch.
Leslie Knope: He is not gonna sully your name.
Chris: No sullying allowed!
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about it, Donna. We're gonna nip this in the bud.
Chris: Guard your buds, 'cause they're about to get nipped!
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Chris: Okay.

Quote from Ben

Ben: I've been talking to Ron about estate planning, and he is here to do some "Good Will Hunting." Because he has to draw up a new will, so...
Trevor Nelsson: Yes, I understood, Mr. Wyatt. Thank you. As I've said before, I just don't like puns.
Ben: Oh, well, my accountant friends seem to enjoy 'em.

Quote from Ben

Trevor Nelsson: If you don't give me the information I need, there's nothing I can do.
Ben: Oh, come on, Trevor. Where there's a "Will," there's a way.
Trevor Nelsson: I'm gonna say this one last time, Wyatt. Check the accountant crap at the door.
Ben: Yes, sir, I will. Unintentional.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Councilman Jamm: All right, let's begin. These hearings have two goals. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent. And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus. Ms. Knope, do you have a statement?
Leslie Knope: Well, it's actually quite simple. Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, and they posted a personal, private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Councilman Jamm: Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here!
Leslie Knope: I just told you what happened. It was an unfortunate mistake.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Councilman Jamm: Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"--
Leslie Knope: Not a word.
Councilman Jamm: We may never find out what happened. When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager." Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake. Why do you keep flip-flopping?
Leslie Knope: Well, because I learned new information. When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater!
Leslie Knope: It's utterly meaningless.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [normal accent] What, what, what? There she is. Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, a latte, four bags of coffee beans, and a mini espresso machine.
Nadia: What happened to your accent?
Tom: Oh, yeah. It's gone. Huh. You know, I had a cold recently. I think that may have affected my voice, like, in certain British ways.
April: Well, that's all there is to that story, so no need for any more questions.
Nadia: You have a cold? Can I feel your glands?
Tom: Sure.
Nadia: Wow, you are wearing a lot of moisturizer on your throat.
Tom: Best way to prevent crow's neck.
Nadia: Is this glitter?

Quote from Tom

Tom: So, those are the forms. You filled 'em out. Great. April's gonna file these. Hey, when is the thing you're doing in the park? I'd love to come by and maybe help administer vaccines?
Nadia: Oh. Are you a doctor, somehow?
Tom: No.
Nadia: No follow-up to that? Okay, great. Um, well, I'm not actually gonna be attending the event, so if you could just give me the permit, so that I can go home to Indianapolis and never come back here?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I am in love with Nadia Whatever-her-last-name-is, and I'm gonna keep her here, using the most powerful weapon I have: bureaucratic incompetence.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Oh, no. You filled out Form 3208. You were supposed to fill out Form 3248.
Nadia: Oh, God. This is to lease a hangar at the airport.
April: I know. It's so crazy, it almost sounds made up.
Tom: Bureaucracy, right? What are you gonna do? Huh. Weird. Someone left out a blender, fresh fruits, and rum? I guess we gotta, like, make Daiquiris now. I like to have music on while I work, you know? [D.J. roomba plays] You know that song?
Nadia: What is this place?

Quote from Donna

Donna: Look, I obviously never meant to embarrass the parks department. My personal account is set to "private."
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I don't even know what she writes on there!
Councilman Jamm: Well, you may not know what she's writing, but we do. In a shocking twist to an already juicy story, we have obtained access to Ms. Meagle's account, via a third party. Same hairdresser.
Donna: Damn it, Typhoon! Why'd you do this?
Typhoon: Maybe if you had bothered to come to my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I think that you ask a lot of the people that you work with, and I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like thinking. And racquetball.
Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets, and it turns out there are some more things that she said about you. "Message to the recall haters: You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. #bossbitch."
Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet for me. #sisterfromanothermister, #bossbitch."
Chris: It appears, whereas "bitch boss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "boss bitch" is a term of endearment. Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball for your mouth!

Quote from Tom

April: Did you change your outfit?
Tom: I changed five times, and she hasn't noticed yet. I can only stall for so long. What should I do?
Nadia: Um, I just finished filling this one out. I didn't know what to put for "Name of commercial airline," because I do not operate a commercial airline, so I just made one up.
Tom: What did you name your imaginary airline?
Nadia: "Jet Blue Ivy." I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid will own her own airline eventually.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: She's the one.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: We need to talk.
Ron Swanson: That has never been true.
Ben: I think I know what's happening. Thinking about how to divide up your possessions for when you die, it's tough, confronting your own mortality, and I think it's got you spinning a little bit. Am I right?
Ron Swanson: Wow. I had not considered that. Yes, I think that maybe you are on to something. Yeah.
Ben: Just know that it's perfectly healthy to be thinking about-- Oh, you're joking.
Ron Swanson: Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Benjamin, after thinking about what you said, I've decided to leave each of my children 5% of my fortune.
Ben: Wow, 5 whole percent. So, I guess you are gonna teach them a lesson. Oh, my God, that's 5%? That is a lot of money. Wait, is this a joke?
Trevor Nelsson: It is not a joke. Not that an accountant would know the difference.
Ron Swanson: Also, if something should happen to Diane and me, we decided that the kids should go to the most important people in our lives.
Ben: Ron, I'm... I'm incredibly flattered.
Ron Swanson: Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone. However, if they are not able to do it, which seems likely, as they're in their 90s, you and Leslie are choice number two.
Ben: I'm honored.

Quote from Donna

Councilman Jamm: Everyone, take your seats, so this witch hunt may proceed as scheduled. Speaking of, uh, where are the witches?
Leslie Knope: They're right here! Well, we're not witches. That's sexist and offensive. But we're right here, and we are not gonna sit in this room and let you drag our names through the mud just to score some cheap political points.
Councilman Jamm: How dare you demean the value of the political points I'm scoring?
Leslie Knope: We have had enough. I am going back to work so I can do some good for this town, and my friend Donna is coming with me.
Donna: Hmm. I prefer "El Diablo."
Councilman Jamm: Uh, this is not over, Ms. Knope!
Typhoon: Donna, quit punishing me! I miss you.
Donna: Uh-uh! Bridge burned, Typhoon. Or should I say, "Norman"? Uh-huh.


 Episode 604 Episode 606 
  Select another episode