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‘Prom’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Prom

618. Prom

Aired April 3, 2014

Leslie and her colleagues organize a prom for the local teenagers following cuts to the schools budget. Leslie and Ron compete over a promising pupil who is considering a government internship.

Quote from Tom

Ben: All right, let's go over our set list.
Tom: Set list? No need.
Ben: So, what, you're just gonna put your iPod on shuffle?
Tom: No, but I could. You want to know why?
Ben: [sighs] Because every single song you own is a banger?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I attended prom with Susan Hofler. Picked her up in my truck, we slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was 12 years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Allison's father owns the hardware store I've been going to since before Allison was even born. What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom?
Allison: Um, Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship, and I was thinking about taking it.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no, no. No. I respect your father too much to let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?
Leslie Knope: Why don't you shut your mustache?

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] I was actually only at my prom for 15 minutes. By the time I got my Armani suit pressed and got the little dimple on my tie just right, it was 11:45 P.M. My date was pretty pissed, but, uh, I looked fly as hell.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: What's happening? I can't hear! And I'm dying!
Leslie Knope: Baby, relax. I just wanted to surprise you. Open the bottom drawer and read the cake.
Ben: "Will you go to prom with me?" Well, this just keeps getting weirder.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Because of the merger, schools have had to make some cuts, and the first thing to go was the senior prom. So as a last-minute hail Mary, the parks department is throwing prom for them. They also wanted to cut A.P. Latin, so I volunteered to teach Latin. Which reminds me, I need to learn Latin.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I have tolerated Leslie's pro-government ways because her annoying kindness and generosity sneakily made me like her as a person. But I draw the line at corrupting America's youth. I'm sure I can get Allison a job at Tim Hautner's sawmill. I once did him a favor. I built his sawmill.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Allison: Leslie, I told you. I don't know what I'm doing this summer.
Leslie Knope: That's okay. I know what you're doing. You're gonna take this internship. You're gonna fall in love with public service. You're gonna rise through the ranks. You'll take over Ron's job as parks director. You'll win a seat in congress, and then you and I will run against each other as president, but right before we find out who won, I'm gonna pat you on the back and say, "It's your turn, kid."
Ron Swanson: Sorry, children. Forget this happened. Continue with your awkward close-quarters gyrating.
Leslie Knope: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex, use protection, please!

Quote from April

April: Prom is nothing but a huge party full of smiling, dancing people enjoying themselves. It's literally my worst nightmare. And I hate punch.

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is all the stuff we have to work with? Where's everything I requested? Where's my smoke machine? Where's my girls dressed in Teddy Bear costumes? Where's my Yeezus Mountain?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: [high-pitched] I know what you're doing, Ron, and I will defeat you. Mark my words.
Ron Swanson: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling air ships.

Quote from Andy

April: Well, we did it. We went to prom. Yay! Let's go now.
Andy: No! What? Are you kidding? This is awesome. Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.
April: Andy, I hate teenagers.
Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it, I promise. It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. But then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just... It's not good. It's not a good movie.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I can't stop thinking about that job in Chicago, and I think this prom will be a good distraction. In my senior year when I couldn't decide between Indiana and Amherst, I focused all my energy on planning my prom, and it was the best prom ever. Plus, I made out with Harvey from the A.V. Club.
Ben: Hmm, I think I'm jealous of Harvey.
Leslie Knope: You shouldn't be. A few weeks later, he almost died from a VCR electrocution. Legend has it that he can still turn on a microwave just by blinking at it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: All right, Allison, you are in charge of choosing the prom theme, and now it has to be perfect and magical and look like a million bucks but cost zero bucks. So what do you got?
Allison: I was thinking the theme could be "Fairy tale." The theater department did Into the Woods last year, and we still have the scenery. I laid out some preliminary plans in this binder.
Leslie Knope: Wow! Are those jense-trodder color tabs? I thought those were discontinued.
Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.
Leslie Knope: Juan Julio Oficina Supplies? I thought they went out of business.
Allison: They did, but they opened up a new one in Oaxaca.
Ben: What is happening right now?
Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody get back to work. And, Allison, come by my office later so we can keep crushing it

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, I hope that this prom is exactly like my senior prom. Theme, "My Heart Will Go On." Photo booth with Monica Lewinsky look-alike. After-party: Megan Rickerson's house. Her parents used to let us drink as much as we wanted. That's- That's where we should have this after-party. Or, no, we can't, because they moved to prison.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So I want to show you some very cool before and after pictures of Cherryhurst Park, one of our greatest accomplishments.
Allison: Why are you showing me all this?
Leslie Knope: Because I think you have a real knack for public service. We here at the parks department have something called "The April Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest." I don't know why I let her name it. Basically, it's a summer internship program.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: You know what? Tim Hautner, who owns the sawmill out on Lowell Drive, is a personal friend. He's always looking for bright young employees to give money to in exchange for honest work.
Allison: That would be awesome. I definitely need money for school.
Leslie Knope: Oh, really? Is it worth a few bucks to get a million splinters in your fingers and then cut off your fingers accidentally, 'cause that will happen.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Yeah, tell me about it. I specifically requested elliptical cartridges for the turntables. How am I supposed to keep my Husker Du albums in near-mint condish?
Tom: Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you throw them in the garbage?
[aside to camera:]
Ben: My prom was right after I got impeached, so I couldn't leave the house without being egged. But my parents threw me a prom in our living room. I think I'm still messed up from it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, maybe we wouldn't have gotten together if we were in high school. But that's because kids in high school are idiots. The only thing that matters is that we found each other right now, and it's the best. You know what? Let's bail. We got that limo for three more hours. I think the extra length could help us get us over that lake.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I have never told you this, but I actually have a ten-point scale for how insane you are being. I observe your behavior, and if it's a five or below, I say nothing.
Leslie Knope: Smart. Saves a lot of time.
Ron Swanson: If it reaches a six, like for example the incident with the girls' soccer uniforms back in '05...
Leslie Knope: They wrote all the team names in pink. Nobody told them to do that.
Ron Swanson: I try to steer you back to safety. A seven is when I lock you in your office until you cool down. This Allison Gliffert thing may have hit an eight. I have the police on standby. It's your move.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I'm thinking of leaving Pawnee, moving to Chicago. I just need to make sure that the future is secure around here when I leave. You know? Allison would become April, and then April would become me. I mean, let's face it, Ron. I love you, but you're hopeless without me.
Ron Swanson: Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand. They're like blueprints for a house. Nice to have, but any foreman with half a brain doesn't need to look at them. One day, this year or maybe the next, you're gonna be somewhere else. So enjoy yourself now.
Leslie Knope: Damn it. I just wish once you would say something stupid so I could ignore it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: My life is over. I'm officially old and uncool. Might as well start wearing a plaid shirt and a tie and khakis and whatever shoes you're wearing.
Ben: Look, the fact that you don't know what high schoolers are into doesn't make you uncool. It makes you a normal human adult. You haven't had time to keep up 'cause the last few years, you started two different businesses.
Tom: I guess that's true. Richard Branson and Mark Cuban are too busy making deals to keep up with what the kids are into. How else do you explain their terrible haircuts?
Ben: And, hey, you may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.
Tom: Yeah. You're old as [bleep]. Thanks, Ben.
Ben: Glad I could help.


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