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‘Park Safety’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Park Safety

219. Park Safety

Aired March 18, 2010

After Jerry is mugged at Ramsett Park, Leslie turns to park ranger Carl (guest star Andy Samberg) to improve security. Meanwhile, Ron gives his colleagues a lesson on self-defense.

Quote from Jerry

April: We should just directly apply the food to your clothes. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Yay! Making fun of Jerry's back.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.


Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] I always had fun with Andy. The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooh, Baby in a Straightjacket. That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody, time for the hummingbird lottery. [all groan] Yay, okay. You know how it works, write your name down on a piece of paper.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: No, they don't win a hummingbird. I installed hummingbird feeders In all of the parks, so the winner gets to refill those feeders. Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean, they're so small, and they have tiny beaks, and they only eat sugar water. I mean, come on. What beats that? Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do. Baby monkeys in diapers are the cutest.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Wait a minute. No. That is not the graph. That is a picture from my vacation in Muncie.
Tom: You went on a vacation, and you chose Muncie, Indiana?
Jerry: Yeah. My wife and I have a timeshare.
Tom: In Muncie?
Leslie Knope: Tom. Muncie is a lovely city.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jerry: This is my third time in a row.
Tom: It's just a bad luck streak, buddy. Next time, I'm sure it'll definitely be one of us.
[separately to camera:]
Tom: But it won't be me because I always write...
[Tom shows a piece of paper with Jerry's name written on it. Donna and April do the same.]
Donna: Yeah.
April: Yup.
Leslie Knope: No. I always write my own name. But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra Jerrys.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill bird feeders?
Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet? [laughter]
April: "Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed 'cause I'm Jerry." [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: David Meyers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something. A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.

Quote from Tom

Andy: He's okay. He's got a couple of scrapes and a dislocated shoulder.
Ron Swanson: What happened?
Jerry: You guys are just gonna laugh.
Tom: Why? Did you throw out your shoulder trying to swing a honey pot off your hand? [Leslie laughs]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Jerry: These kids, they came out of nowhere. They pinned my arm back, they grabbed my wallet, and they knocked me to the ground.
Ron Swanson: How did you counterattack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit 'em in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.
Jerry: No, I just curled up and laid still till they left.
Ron Swanson: Well, that's another way to play it.

Quote from Andy

Ann: Okay, what day is it today?
Andy: I don't know.
April: Okay, but to be fair, you never know.
Andy: That's kind of true. I'm super bad at days.

Quote from Jerry

Paul: Jerry, why don't you step on up here?
Leslie Knope: No, no, I will get up here. I'm gonna speak for Jerry. He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness. From trauma.
Jerry: Correct.
Leslie Knope: Jerry.

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