April: We should just directly apply the food to your clothes. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Yay! Making fun of Jerry's back.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Ann: [aside to camera] I always had fun with Andy. The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket. Ooh, Baby in a Straightjacket. That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Jerry: Wait a minute. No. That is not the graph. That is a picture from my vacation in Muncie.
Tom: You went on a vacation, and you chose Muncie, Indiana?
Jerry: Yeah. My wife and I have a timeshare.
Tom: In Muncie?
Leslie Knope: Tom. Muncie is a lovely city.

Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody, time for the hummingbird lottery. [all groan] Yay, okay. You know how it works, write your name down on a piece of paper.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: No, they don't win a hummingbird. I installed hummingbird feeders In all of the parks, so the winner gets to refill those feeders. Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean, they're so small, and they have tiny beaks, and they only eat sugar water. I mean, come on. What beats that? Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do. Baby monkeys in diapers are the cutest.

Leslie Knope: Where's Jerry, by the way? Why isn't he back? How long does it take to fill bird feeders?
Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet? [laughter]
April: "Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed 'cause I'm Jerry." [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: David Meyers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something. A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.

Jerry: These kids, they came out of nowhere. They pinned my arm back, they grabbed my wallet, and they knocked me to the ground.
Ron Swanson: How did you counterattack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit 'em in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.
Jerry: No, I just curled up and laid still till they left.
Ron Swanson: Well, that's another way to play it.

Jerry: This is my third time in a row.
Tom: It's just a bad luck streak, buddy. Next time, I'm sure it'll definitely be one of us.
[separately to camera:]
Tom: But it won't be me because I always write...
[Tom shows a piece of paper with Jerry's name written on it. Donna and April do the same.]
Donna: Yeah.
April: Yup.
Leslie Knope: No. I always write my own name. But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra Jerrys.

Andy: He's okay. He's got a couple of scrapes and a dislocated shoulder.
Ron Swanson: What happened?
Jerry: You guys are just gonna laugh.
Tom: Why? Did you throw out your shoulder trying to swing a honey pot off your hand? [Leslie laughs]

Ann: Okay, what day is it today?
Andy: I don't know.
April: Okay, but to be fair, you never know.
Andy: That's kind of true. I'm super bad at days.

Paul: Jerry, why don't you step on up here?
Leslie Knope: No, no, I will get up here. I'm gonna speak for Jerry. He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness. From trauma.
Jerry: Correct.
Leslie Knope: Jerry.