Leslie Knope: Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Andy: Oh, Ron, cool baby.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Ben: Okay, this is the really exciting part. We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?
Tom: Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] In the time I've worked here, I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work. I can't think of anything more beautiful to share with my son.

Leslie Knope: Ron. What are you doing here?
Ron Swanson: The most important government work I've ever done: sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

Ron Swanson: Oh, look, John. It's red pine. They were gonna put flecked linoleum over this beautifully preserved knotty red pine. Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: This is the best day I've ever spent in a government building, and luckily my son was here to share it with me. He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.

Leslie Knope: Okay, youth committee. Update on the unity concert. Madison.
Madison: So far, 12 bands have said yes. And we asked them all to submit a song for the new town anthem contest.
April: I think we should book Orin as a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer. Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel. The Pawnee Journal called it, "Why would anyone do this?"
Leslie Knope: Stop suggesting Orin.

Tom: [groans] The only business idea I have that's even remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.
Ben: No way. Restaurants were ranked number one in Accounting Magazine's "Riskiest Businesses" issue. That was their last issue before they folded, actually. Magazines are also very risky.

Andy: Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you. I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees. It does nothing.

Leslie Knope: Look, you know how much I love Pawnee. But the more I try to fix it the more people fight me. They call me names, they recall me, they try to kill the merger. They literally punch me in the face. And yet every time I contemplate leaving, just walking away once and for all, I just can't do it. What is wrong with me?
Ron Swanson: Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator. Threaded a new valve into the side, removed the handle from the base, unscrewed the packing nut from the stem. This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Yeah, man, you are lucky. Come on, Ron. What the hell? I need your help.
Ron Swanson: By the time I was done, this 100-year-old piece of American-made cast iron was singing like a bird. Now... to most people, this story would seem boring.
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous. It's a story about a radiator.
Ron Swanson: But to me, it was immensely satisfying because I enjoy fixing radiators. You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle. I would also add that you've already done a hell of a lot to make this town better, and people like this young man here will benefit from your hard work.
Leslie Knope: He is a beautiful boy. He's quite a looker. Thank you, Ron.

Leslie Knope: You guys might as well be a pile of leaves because you're about to get blown away. I have booked a meeting with none other than Grant Larsen. No one knows who that is?
Andy: Um, I do. "Grant Larsen," otherwise known as Elton John. Congratulations, Leslie.