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‘The Wall’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Wall

615. The Wall

Aired March 6, 2014

Ahead of the unity concert, Leslie wants to bring Pawneans and Eagletonians together by tearing down the wall that separates them. Meanwhile, Tom pitches his ideas to a local businessman, and Ron spends the day doing construction work on the third floor of City Hall in the company of his newborn son.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Andy: Oh, Ron, cool baby.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John middle name redacted Swanson. John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

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Quote from Tom

Ben: Okay, this is the really exciting part. We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?
Tom: Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] In the time I've worked here, I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work. I can't think of anything more beautiful to share with my son.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron. What are you doing here?
Ron Swanson: The most important government work I've ever done: sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Oh, look, John. It's red pine. They were gonna put flecked linoleum over this beautifully preserved knotty red pine. Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: This is the best day I've ever spent in a government building, and luckily my son was here to share it with me. He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Okay, youth committee. Update on the unity concert. Madison.
Madison: So far, 12 bands have said yes. And we asked them all to submit a song for the new town anthem contest.
April: I think we should book Orin as a headliner. I think it's a no-brainer. Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel. The Pawnee Journal called it, "Why would anyone do this?"
Leslie Knope: Stop suggesting Orin.

Quote from Ben

Tom: [groans] The only business idea I have that's even remotely fleshed out is a restaurant.
Ben: No way. Restaurants were ranked number one in Accounting Magazine's "Riskiest Businesses" issue. That was their last issue before they folded, actually. Magazines are also very risky.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you. I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees. It does nothing.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: You guys might as well be a pile of leaves because you're about to get blown away. I have booked a meeting with none other than Grant Larsen. No one knows who that is?
Andy: Um, I do. "Grant Larsen," otherwise known as Elton John. Congratulations, Leslie.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Look, you know how much I love Pawnee. But the more I try to fix it the more people fight me. They call me names, they recall me, they try to kill the merger. They literally punch me in the face. And yet every time I contemplate leaving, just walking away once and for all, I just can't do it. What is wrong with me?
Ron Swanson: Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator. Threaded a new valve into the side, removed the handle from the base, unscrewed the packing nut from the stem. This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Yeah, man, you are lucky. Come on, Ron. What the hell? I need your help.
Ron Swanson: By the time I was done, this 100-year-old piece of American-made cast iron was singing like a bird. Now... to most people, this story would seem boring.
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous. It's a story about a radiator.
Ron Swanson: But to me, it was immensely satisfying because I enjoy fixing radiators. You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle. I would also add that you've already done a hell of a lot to make this town better, and people like this young man here will benefit from your hard work.
Leslie Knope: He is a beautiful boy. He's quite a looker. Thank you, Ron.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ron. Enough's enough. Let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
Ron Swanson: Dear God, woman.
Leslie Knope: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting, and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I'm gonna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doing up there in space, baby?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ah! So cute! Okay. I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
Ron Swanson: We already have a stroller.
Leslie Knope: Oh, shoot. Really? I'm gonna have to think of something else. [gasps] Oh, my God, whose baby is that?
Ron Swanson: That would be mine.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The Pawnee-Eagleton merger has made for a rough year, both for me and for the town. But if I can pull off this unity concert and prove that this merger was a success, Pawnee might once again tolerate-slash-ignore me. I know that sounds bad, but for a politician it's pretty much the best-case scenario.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: Oh, my God, he's so cute. You're the cutest little boo-bear I've ever seen.
Craig: You are the world's most adorable baby and I love you! You are so freaking precious!
Ron Swanson: [growls]
Jerry: Look what Gayle made for the baby. It says "Property of Pawnee government." Isn't that adorable?
[Ron grabs the romper from Jerry and throws it in the trash.]
Ron Swanson: Come on, John. [exits]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Here we are, the park that borders Pawnee and Eagleton. This is the perfect place for the press conference to announce our unity concert. People are gonna clap, they're gonna cheer. Today might be the day that I finally crowd surf. I should probably empty my pockets just in case.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Nicely done, Tom. We have 15 sponsorship offers.
Mitch Savner: Make that 16. Mitch Savner.
Tom: Savner Bleaches and Chemicals!
Mitch Savner: That's it.
Tom: You guys make my favorite teeth-whitening strips, Pearlies for Girlies. It's unisex. The cartoon princess on the label says so.
Mitch Savner: I'll sponsor your concert. But I'm also looking to invest in other ventures. I have a feeling a bright guy like you has some ideas of his own.
Tom: I may have a few eggs ready to hatch in the personal idea nest.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Just as we suspected, John. We repaired the valve stem seal, and now all that remains is to tighten down this packing nut. And...that should do it.
Foreman: Can we help you?
Ron Swanson: No. We have everything under control.
Foreman: My crew's redoing this whole floor. We're the only people allowed up here right now.
Ron Swanson: Well, proceed with your work. You won't notice us at all.
Foreman: [laughs] We're gonna be kinda loud.
Ron Swanson: [laughs] My son is several weeks old. He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Okay, how about this one? Lasik for fingernails? Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again. All we need is a complicated laser I have no idea how to build.
Ben: Seems impossible.
Tom: All right. Uh-oh! "Saltweens!" Saltines for tweens.
Ben: Seems... unnecessary?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Foreman: Who's a big guy? [both baby talking]
Judy: Man, forget about working. I just wanna stare at this baby all day.
Ron Swanson: What is the nature of your work on this floor?
Foreman: Total redo: new floors, fixtures, plumbing.
Ron Swanson: How long will it take?
Foreman: Six to eight weeks.
Ron Swanson: Deal. I will do all this work for you in the time allotted. Just have your tools and materials brought up here.
Foreman: Are you crazy? This is enough work for a whole crew.
Ron Swanson: I'm sure the government believed you when you told them that, and I tip my cap to you for profiting off their ignorance. But I'm offering you two months paid vacation and the ability to take credit for my work, which will be flawless.
Foreman: Okay. Guys, let's go!
Ron Swanson: I got all help I'll need right here.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, Mr. Larsen, I'm sorry. I had to reschedule. It's been kind of a hectic week.
Grant Larsen: What happened to your face?
Leslie Knope: It doesn't matter. I would like to apply to turn some of our new land into a national park.
Grant Larsen: I read your request, Ms. Knope, and I'm sorry, but we can't make that happen.
Leslie Knope: Great. Well, this week just keeps getting better and better. Thank you for coming by and plunging a dagger into my already-bleeding corpse.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: What are you doing here?
Leslie Knope: I come here to think sometimes. By myself. But now that you're here...
Ron Swanson: Damn it.
Leslie Knope: I am going to speak to you very vaguely about a problem that I have, and you cannot ask me any questions or details about it.
Ron Swanson: That is my ideal conversation, aside from no conversation. But that feels unlikely.


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