Jean-Ralphio Saperstein Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from Li'l Sebastian

Tom: Hey, Jean-Ralphio, who's sitting in my clear purple desk?
Jean-Ralphio: What?
Tom: Who's this person?
Jean-Ralphio: Are you talking about this little sweetie right here?
Tom: Yeah.
Jean-Ralphio: That is our new assistant, Tessa. I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.
Tessa: I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.
Jean-Ralphio: Get it to match your personality. Petty cash, money bowl. Go diving.
Tessa: Gross.
Tom: Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?
Jean-Ralphio: I don't know, maybe 'cause we're...
Both: [singing] Flush with cash

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Quote from Win, Lose or Draw

Jean-Ralphio: Uh-oh, uh-oh. Did someone just talk about a job opening? Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy, you know? [sing-songy] Got off on a technicality What's the gig? I'm in.
Chris: There's no job for you.
Jean-Ralphio: Smart move. Go with your gut. All right? I'll talk to you guys soon.

Quote from The Set Up

Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant, and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!
Jean-Ralphio: Big T.
Tom: What up?
Jean-Ralphio: Mr. Swanson, two things. One, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, damn!
Ron Swanson: Take a seat.
Jean-Ralphio: Right. Here we go.
Ron Swanson: So, Jean-Ralphio...
Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Quote from The Set Up

Ron Swanson: Why do I want you as my assistant?
Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning. Sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?
Tom: I think our only question is, when can you start?
Jean-Ralphio: Right now, let's do it!
Ron Swanson: Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. And, you know, you can hit me up on Facebook anytime, day or night. You know that, right?

Quote from Woman of the Year

Tom: Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot investment opportunity that you are gonna wanna jump all over.
Jean-Ralphio: Hit me with it, daddy.
Tom: The Snakehole Lounge...
Jean-Ralphio: Heard of it.
Tom: Is looking for investors.
Jean-Ralphio: No way. Yesterday, if you would have asked me, I would've said no, but thank God, my grandfather just died, so I am a- flush with cash!
Tom: Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks. All I need you to do is kick in six G's. And then you and I are part-owners of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. Also, sorry about your grandpa.
Jean-Ralphio: No worries. He was a dick.

Quote from Woman of the Year

Jean-Ralphio: Here's the thing. I can kick in five G's. That should be enough, right?
Tom: No, it's not enough. I just said I need six G's. What about your trust fund?
Jean-Ralphio: My parents had it amended. I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers.
Tom: It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight. I'll take care of it.

Quote from Woman of the Year

Jean-Ralphio: You wanna come home with me?
April: Don't you work at Lady Foot Locker?

Quote from Woman of the Year

Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big T! Stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchante. Listen, beautiful, let's cut the bull, right? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now. Step one, we buy into this club. Step two, we roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce What do you say, sexy?
Donna: I'm out.
Tom: Why?
Donna: I hate that guy.

Quote from Fancy Party

Tom: I got to nail the speech. So I brought in an expert... Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
Tom: Sure.
Jean-Ralphio: Okay, this is what I would do. I would start with a joke. Joke, Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Tom: Swingers, Crashers?
Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends. Quote from Love Actually. Hold back your tears. Pause. Drop the microphone. Get out of that bitch. [imitates explosion]

Quote from Li'l Sebastian

Jean-Ralphio: This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show. Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin. One of them has to perform open-heart surgery. The other one has to receive open-heart surgery. We call it Open-Heart Surgery.
Tom: How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet.
Jean-Ralphio: Already interested.
Tom: Take the wheels off.
Jean-Ralphio: Get 'em off of there.
Tom: Turn the jet into an apartment building. People could live inside their own private jet.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: We're currently coming up with business ideas for Jean-Ralphio 'cause as of today, his bank account is blowing up.
Jean-Ralphio: I made my money the old-fashioned way. [sings] I got run over by a Lexus.
Tom: I still can't believe you won all that money in the lawsuit. You barely got hurt at all.
Jean-Ralphio: Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

Quote from Li'l Sebastian

Tom: I got it. What are you amazing at?
Jean-Ralphio: I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time.
Both: Creating spectacles.
Jean-Ralphio: No, I got it.
Tom: You create Pawnee's first and only high-end, all-media entertainment conglomerate.
Jean-Ralphio: Absolutely. That's absolutely what I have to do. What does it mean?
Tom: It means audio, video, movies, 3-D movies, nightclubs, iPhone apps. If it's entertainment, you're involved.
Jean-Ralphio: Yes, of course I am.
Tom: And you call it... Entertainment 7Twenty.
Jean-Ralphio: No! Why? Why?
Tom: You gotta stop screaming.
Jean-Ralphio: I will, I just get excited. Why do we call it Entertainment 7Twenty?
Tom: 'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients.

Quote from Li'l Sebastian

Tom: Now we have a special presentation, courtesy of the folks at Entertainment 7Twenty.
Jean-Ralphio: Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears.
Donna: You nasty.

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