Jean-Ralphio: Uh-oh, uh-oh. Did someone just talk about a job opening? Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy, you know? [sing-songy] Got off on a technicality What's the gig? I'm in.
Chris: There's no job for you.
Jean-Ralphio: Smart move. Go with your gut. All right? I'll talk to you guys soon.

Tom: Hey, Jean-Ralphio, who's sitting in my clear purple desk?
Jean-Ralphio: What?
Tom: Who's this person?
Jean-Ralphio: Are you talking about this little sweetie right here?
Tom: Yeah.
Jean-Ralphio: That is our new assistant, Tessa. I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.
Tessa: I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.
Jean-Ralphio: Get it to match your personality. Petty cash, money bowl. Go diving.
Tessa: Gross.
Tom: Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?
Jean-Ralphio: I don't know, maybe 'cause we're...
Both: [singing] Flush with cash

Jean-Ralphio: Here's the thing. I can kick in five G's. That should be enough, right?
Tom: No, it's not enough. I just said I need six G's. What about your trust fund?
Jean-Ralphio: My parents had it amended. I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers.
Tom: It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight. I'll take care of it.

Ben: Hey, Jean-Ralphio. How's it going?
Jean-Ralphio: It's going good, I'm actually right here for an appointmt. Getting a Brazilian. By the way, there's a woman over there that is unbelievable. Her name is Kim. When she rips it off, she smiles, and it makes you feel things. Throw my name, I get a referral discount. If you don't mind.
Ben: Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: I heard somebody resigned in disgrace. My question to you is, how you making that paper?
Ben: Oh, well, I've interviewed around, uh, but I'm actually about to take a job doing in-house accounting for an accounting firm.
Jean-Ralphio: Buh... I almost fell asleep during that sentence.
Ben: Okay.
Jean-Ralphio: Let me get this straight. You would be an accountant... for accountants?
Ben: Yeah.
Jean-Ralphio: So at this accounting firm, you would have the boring job? Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president. True or false? True. Why don't you use that time and go after one of your passions, like model trains or, like, or toy Gandalfs or something?
Ben: I don't know why you jumped straight to model trains. I mean... it's accurate.

Jean-Ralphio: Tommy-T and Sexy Lexy Knope. Ooh, what are you two bad larrys up to?
Leslie Knope: Well, this is our last day in Pawnee, and we have one last problem to fix.
Jean-Ralphio: Hold up. You're leaving? For truth? I am gonna miss you so much.
Leslie Knope: What's going on? You're not injured?
Jean-Ralphio: Uh, yeah, I'm injured. I got a terminal case of "Get me to the front of the line at Six Flags"!
Both: Shaaa-boosh!
Jean-Ralphio: It's a winter wonderland. I'm gonna be so sad to see you go. Will you do me one final kindness? Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam, but then we fall in love for real? Also, can I have a pair of your gym socks? No, wait, it's not for anything weird. It's just a fetish I have.
Leslie Knope: Jean-Ralphio... Although I truly hope that I never see you again, I do wish you a long and happy life.

Jean-Ralphio: I'm gonna tell you something that I once heard from a very, very smart woman named Kim.
Ben: The lady who waxes you?
Jean-Ralphio: She told me, "if you don't love what you do... Then why do it?" Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole. [ripping sound]

Tom: Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot investment opportunity that you are gonna wanna jump all over.
Jean-Ralphio: Hit me with it, daddy.
Tom: The Snakehole Lounge...
Jean-Ralphio: Heard of it.
Tom: Is looking for investors.
Jean-Ralphio: No way. Yesterday, if you would have asked me, I would've said no, but thank God, my grandfather just died, so I am a- flush with cash!
Tom: Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks. All I need you to do is kick in six G's. And then you and I are part-owners of the hottest nightclub in Pawnee. Also, sorry about your grandpa.
Jean-Ralphio: No worries. He was a dick.

Jean-Ralphio: You wanna come home with me?
April: Don't you work at Lady Foot Locker?

Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big T! Stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchante. Listen, beautiful, let's cut the bull, right? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now. Step one, we buy into this club. Step two, we roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce What do you say, sexy?
Donna: I'm out.
Tom: Why?
Donna: I hate that guy.

Tom: I got to nail the speech. So I brought in an expert... Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
Tom: Sure.
Jean-Ralphio: Okay, this is what I would do. I would start with a joke. Joke, Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Tom: Swingers, Crashers?
Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends. Quote from Love Actually. Hold back your tears. Pause. Drop the microphone. Get out of that bitch. [imitates explosion]