Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college. Of all my coworkers, he is one of a small number whom I do not actively root against. Ugh, there I go getting all sappy.

Leslie Knope: Our research shows that our park will draw 5,000 visitors a year, and I want this to be the most amazing, awe-inspiring, fun-filled park ever conceived.
Chris: Now how big is the park, exactly?
Leslie Knope: It is .000003 square miles.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down, and on that patch of concrete, I am creating Pawnee's newest tourist attraction: The smallest park in Indiana. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King, Jr. Park in Terryville, but guess what? Terryville sucks old car tires, and so does Martin Luther- No, he does not suck old car tires. He was one of the greatest men in history. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get competitive.

Leslie Knope: So, I have about nine things I need to talk to you about. The first is the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Do you know who's bringing scissors? Because I cannot tell you how many ceremonies get derailed when people don't bring scissors.

Tom: What about a top-to-bottom makeover for the entire department? I'm talking new uniforms, new signage, new color scheme. A whole, new, sexy vibe.
Jerry: I don't know. This really isn't what Chris asked us to do. You know, maybe we should just stick to the assignment.
Tom: Cool, Jerry. I'd take your advice if I wanted to be a dead-eyed government drone with no ambition.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Yes, technically my new job is my old job, but I'm not some boring, Jerry Gergich-type guy. I'm more of a Steve Harvey. I dream big, I shake things up, and I always wear dope suits.

Tom: First up, a personal favorite, the Sopranos option. Now, I guarantee you, anyone that sees this logo is not gonna "fugghedaboudit." This is our current community center. Ugh. This is our new community center! That's right, it looks like an Apple store.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Today, I'm a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and the Parks department is a wrinkly old housewife in her early 30s. I'm about to work a miracle.

Jerry: Got you a little pick-me-up, Tommy. A triple-decker ham and cheese from the cafeteria. Always makes me feel better.
Tom: Two pathetic guys eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I guess I'm Jerry now. After work, I'll just go home, straight to my boring house, kiss my wife, and have a home-cooked meal with my three beautiful daughters. What a miserable life.

Jerry: No, see, I think that Comic Sans always screams "fun." Right? But, man, those "r"s in Helvetica, they're just, you know, like, really popping for me.
Tom: Ugh, I've never been more bored in my entire life. Who cares about letters? The only good font is the Sopranos one, where the "r" is a pistol. Let's think bigger, people, come on.

Andy: First day.
Ron Swanson: You ready?
Andy: As ready as I'll ever be. Oh, crap, I forgot my books. And my computer.
Ron Swanson: Just pay attention to the lecture and enjoy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: My first day of college, my father dropped me off at the steel mill. He didn't think I should go to college. But I hitched a ride, enrolled, and learned a lot. I hope Andy does too.

Leslie Knope: Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.
Ann: Actually--
Leslie Knope: Ben thinks that I'm a steamroller? That's unbelievable. How dare he think that I'm a steamroller?
Ann: Leslie, I'm just telling you this--
Leslie Knope: I know, he's going through a phase right now, and eventually we're gonna both be friends again.
Ann: No, what I was gonna say is that you really are--
Leslie Knope: Working too hard. I know, Ann, you keep starting all these sentences and not finishing--
Ann: You're a steamroller! You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller with no brakes and a cement brick on the gas pedal. You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies. I don't even like Harry Potter.
Leslie Knope: That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies!

Andy: Man, all these classes look amazing. I can't choose.
April: They do this thing called a "shopping period," where you can just sample as many classes as you want.
Andy: Really?
April: Yeah.
Andy: Sports and Society. Physical Science. A crash course?
April: Yeah, but it's not what you think.
Andy: Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I did not graduate college, because I did not "attend" it, but I'm trying to improve myself, so I'm gonna start by taking just one class.