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‘Smallest Park’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Smallest Park

408. Smallest Park

Aired November 17, 2011

After Chris assigns Leslie and Ben to work on developing Indiana's smallest park, Leslie tries to slow down proceedings to maximize her time with Ben. Meanwhile, Andy decides to take a college class.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Our research shows that our park will draw 5,000 visitors a year, and I want this to be the most amazing, awe-inspiring, fun-filled park ever conceived.
Chris: Now how big is the park, exactly?
Leslie Knope: It is .000003 square miles.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down, and on that patch of concrete, I am creating Pawnee's newest tourist attraction: The smallest park in Indiana. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King, Jr. Park in Terryville, but guess what? Terryville sucks old car tires, and so does Martin Luther- No, he does not suck old car tires. He was one of the greatest men in history. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get competitive.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college. Of all my coworkers, he is one of a small number whom I do not actively root against. Ugh, there I go getting all sappy.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, I have about nine things I need to talk to you about. The first is the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Do you know who's bringing scissors? Because I cannot tell you how many ceremonies get derailed when people don't bring scissors.

Quote from Tom

Tom: What about a top-to-bottom makeover for the entire department? I'm talking new uniforms, new signage, new color scheme. A whole, new, sexy vibe.
Jerry: I don't know. This really isn't what Chris asked us to do. You know, maybe we should just stick to the assignment.
Tom: Cool, Jerry. I'd take your advice if I wanted to be a dead-eyed government drone with no ambition.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Yes, technically my new job is my old job, but I'm not some boring, Jerry Gergich-type guy. I'm more of a Steve Harvey. I dream big, I shake things up, and I always wear dope suits.

Quote from Tom

Tom: First up, a personal favorite, the Sopranos option. Now, I guarantee you, anyone that sees this logo is not gonna "fugghedaboudit." This is our current community center. Ugh. This is our new community center! That's right, it looks like an Apple store.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Today, I'm a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and the Parks department is a wrinkly old housewife in her early 30s. I'm about to work a miracle.

Quote from Tom

Jerry: Got you a little pick-me-up, Tommy. A triple-decker ham and cheese from the cafeteria. Always makes me feel better.
Tom: Two pathetic guys eating pathetic sandwiches. Sounds terrific.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I guess I'm Jerry now. After work, I'll just go home, straight to my boring house, kiss my wife, and have a home-cooked meal with my three beautiful daughters. What a miserable life.

Quote from Tom

Jerry: No, see, I think that Comic Sans always screams "fun." Right? But, man, those "r"s in Helvetica, they're just, you know, like, really popping for me.
Tom: Ugh, I've never been more bored in my entire life. Who cares about letters? The only good font is the Sopranos one, where the "r" is a pistol. Let's think bigger, people, come on.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: First day.
Ron Swanson: You ready?
Andy: As ready as I'll ever be. Oh, crap, I forgot my books. And my computer.
Ron Swanson: Just pay attention to the lecture and enjoy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: My first day of college, my father dropped me off at the steel mill. He didn't think I should go to college. But I hitched a ride, enrolled, and learned a lot. I hope Andy does too.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Man, all these classes look amazing. I can't choose.
April: They do this thing called a "shopping period," where you can just sample as many classes as you want.
Andy: Really?
April: Yeah.
Andy: Sports and Society. Physical Science. A crash course?
April: Yeah, but it's not what you think.
Andy: Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I did not graduate college, because I did not "attend" it, but I'm trying to improve myself, so I'm gonna start by taking just one class.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to ascertain the whereabouts of some oversized ceremonial scissors.

Quote from Andy

Penny: Okay, can anyone tell me what this is called?
Andy: Uh, that's a fret.
Penny: Yeah.
Andy: And that little thing you got right there, that's called a capo. Changes the key.
Penny: Uh, maybe you should be in the advanced class?
Andy: [laughs] Yeah, maybe I should.
April: Dude, dumb it down.
Andy: But I couldn't possibly, because I'm just a beginner. I barely haven't even ever seen a "gortar."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] As a mature, reasonable adult, I understand that this will be the last project that Ben and I are working on together. So please join us for the grand opening of Pawnee's Smallest Park on November 12th, 2070.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Woman: Is there going to be basketball there? Basketball courts attract undesirables to my community.
Ben: Well, there's barely room for an actual basketball, much less a court.
Woman: Because there's a definite type of person I associate with basketball, and I'd rather not have that type of person nearby.
Ben: Don't worry. You don't need to worry.
Woman: Okay, I'll just come right out and say it. I'll tell you what type of person I don't like.
Ben: You don't have to do that. No, no, no, no. I think we get it.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, we do, Rose, and you bring up a very good point. Intolerance. Can we be doing more? I'd like to hear from each and every one of you about a time when prejudice has touched your lives.

Quote from Andy

Professor Barnes: Hello, everyone. My name is Professor Barnes. The class I'll be teaching this semester is introduction to lasers. The word "laser" stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation.
Andy: Where are the lasers?
Professor Barnes: This graphic here represents the electromagnetic spectrum arranged from low frequency...
Andy: He's not even using a laser pointer.
April: He's right. This class stinks.
Ron Swanson: Stick with it. You might learn something.
Andy: Uh, excuse me. Professor? Hi, there. Andy Dwyer. Curious. When will you be bringing out the lasers for me to play with? And will we start with the small lasers, or could we go just straight to the big lasers, in terms of playing with them?
Professor Barnes: We won't be using actual lasers in this course. It's about the theory that makes them possible.
Andy: One of the most significant bummers of my lifetime.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you, ma'am. What a story. Anyone else? Anyone... Uh, this gentleman wants to say something.
Man: No, I don't.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Mel. You're always up in arms about something.
Man: No, I'm not. I'm not always up in arms about something.
Leslie Knope: There we go. That's the spirit. Talk to me about what's bothering you.
Ben: Okay, that'll do it. Thanks, everybody.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I once hosted a forum about a new bike rack that lasted seven hours. Now when I need these people to complain, they're done in 45 minutes?

Quote from Andy

April: Whoa, check it out. You can get credit for playing intramural frisbee golf.
Ron Swanson: Okay, you can take a class on the Civil War.
Andy: Why would I take a class on something that's already happened? Look, you guys have already had your say. Now I want to try something that I want to try. And I'm gonna make my choice as I always do, at random.
[cut to:]
Professor Linda Lonegan: As she was burned at the stake, Joan of Arc did not cower. She did not beg for mercy. She said, in a strong, clear voice, "I am not afraid. I was born to do this."
April: I want to be burned at the stake.
Professor Linda Lonegan: Many societal institutions were established solely to oppress women. To this day, some feminists have even condemned marriage as a glorified form of slavery.
Ron Swanson: Amen.

Quote from Andy

April: That class was awesome.
Ron Swanson: I wholeheartedly agree. If that woman weren't so violently opposed to marriage, I think I would propose to her.
Andy: Well, then, it's decided. Andy Dwyer will be taking "Women's Lasers."
April: "Women's Studies."
Andy: Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers. "Women's Studies." Is there such thing as "Women's Lasers"? That'd be my number one pick.

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.
Ann: Actually--
Leslie Knope: Ben thinks that I'm a steamroller? That's unbelievable. How dare he think that I'm a steamroller?
Ann: Leslie, I'm just telling you this--
Leslie Knope: I know, he's going through a phase right now, and eventually we're gonna both be friends again.
Ann: No, what I was gonna say is that you really are--
Leslie Knope: Working too hard. I know, Ann, you keep starting all these sentences and not finishing--
Ann: You're a steamroller! You are a massive, enormous, runaway steamroller with no brakes and a cement brick on the gas pedal. You made me watch all eight Harry Potter movies. I don't even like Harry Potter.
Leslie Knope: That's insane. You love Harry Potter. You've seen all eight movies!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I have been here, well, thirty-some years, and the best way to cope with this job is to do everything the exact same way every day. Heck, I still use my original I.D. Card from my first day on the job. Check this out.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Good news, son. You have just won a Ron Swanson scholarship.
Andy: I don't think so. I don't remember applying for--
April: No, An--Andy. Ron Swanson... [whispers] Scholarship.
Andy: Wait, are you serious? [Andy hugs Ron]
Ron Swanson: Stop this.
Andy: No.
Ron Swanson: Stop, or you lose the money.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Why not? I like the kid, and I have the money. One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: So we take the old logo from the 1970s, and we make limited-edition hats, posters, t-shirts, everything. People love limited editions, plus parents will get swept up in the nostalgia and want to go to the parks to recreate the fun they had growing up.
Chris: This... is amazing. It is possibly the best idea anyone has had in this government in 100 years. Tom, terrific.
Tom: Thanks, but most of the credit goes to my number-four, Jerry. He shared some words of wisdom with me today, and while he was yammering on about whatever, I happened to see his old I.D. Card. Thanks, buddy.


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