Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Farmers Market’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Farmers Market

612. Farmers Market

Aired January 23, 2014

Ben wants a firewall between his and Leslie's personal and work lives after Leslie objects to a stall at the farmers market. Ann gatecrashes her friends' "Whine and Cheese" club to complain about how Chris is trying to fix all her pregnancy problems. Meanwhile, Craig asks Andy to play at his nephew's birthday party.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ben, do something.
Ben: What do you want me to do?
Leslie Knope: Well, you're the city manager. Kick them out. They're violating every single one of the Farmers Market's rules of conduct.
Ben: By "rules of conduct," do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, "Peas be kind to others"?
Leslie Knope: Yes, and "In case of fire, romaine calm," and "You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are." I don't like vegetables, but I'm very good at vegetable puns.

Rate

Quote from Ann

Donna: I'll cede my time to Ann. I have a feeling this is gonna be good.
Ann: Okay, well, I'm not gonna talk for long, 'cause I have to pee again, 'cause I have to pee every six minutes, 'cause I have a beach ball in my stomach that's punching on my bladder.
Donna: [chuckles] That sucks.
Ann: I know. And I'm never not hungry.
Jerry: Oh, well, have some cheese.
Ann: I can't have cheese, Larry! And I can't have wine either. I can't have anything good. You know, what I can have is liquefied flaxseed. But I don't want that. You know what I want? Pork rinds. I want jelly beans. And I want a huge trash bag filled with mashed potatoes. I want to be Pac-Man, and instead of dots, I want 'em to be cinnamon buns. I want to be a giant head and a mouth, and I just want to eat rows and rows of junk food pellets, and where's my trash bag of potatoes? [groans]
Tom: Time.
Donna: Yikes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, Harrison Ford movie night.
Leslie Knope: Before we do that, I was thinking more about that chard guy. I mean, it would be very easy for you to revoke their license.
Ben: Okay, Leslie, this is city business, and I'm not an emperor. I can't just kick them out for no reason.
Leslie Knope: The reason is it's vegetable porn. Porn on the cob. I'm sorry. I'm just very good at that.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Good morning, Ann Perkins. How are you feeling today?
Ann: Perfect. Except that I'm a whale and that my feet already kill.
Chris: [laughs] Whales don't have feet.
Ann: I am a crazy shape. This morning when I got out of bed, I just tipped forward like a poorly made bowling pin. Did I mention that my feet kill me all the time?
Chris: Oh! Let me rub them. Oh, wait. No. I read something on raddadsolutions.net that there's a pressure point in the foot that could induce labor.
Ann: Oh, it doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm gonna go choke down those horse pills I have to take every day.
Chris: Oh, no, no, I'll cut them in half for you. And I will pour you a glass of flaxseed milk to wash it down. Everything is amazing. Today is perfect, and I love you.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Chris is so wonderful and thoughtful and positive. He's driving me up the [bleep] wall.
Chris: Smoothie's ready!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Opening this farmers market was one of my greatest achievements as city councilor. It's good for the economy, it's good for families, and it's good for promoting a healthy lifestyle, which Pawnee desperately needs.
Woman: [holding broccoli] Look at this tiny tree. Can you eat this?
Man: [holding cauliflower] Aww. This one's dead.

Quote from Andy

Andy: 150 bucks? Split that four ways, boom. $600.

Quote from Tom

Ann: Hey, guys.
Tom: Time-out. Let's take a brief recess. Can we help you, Ann?
Ann: I was looking for Leslie, but now I'm curious why you guys are sitting around doing nothing and getting drunk at work.
Tom: It's the Whine & Cheese Club, gorgeous. It's a monthly gathering where we all get together and vent about what annoys us at work.
Donna: Over fine wines and cheeses, of course.

Quote from Ann

Chris: Ann Perkins! How are you feeling?
Ann: You don't want to know.
Chris: It's all I want to know.
Ann: All right, man, you asked for it. I have shooting pains that go all the way up from my butt to my neck. My stomach has so many stretch marks on it that it looks like an old-fashioned globe. My boobs are getting really sore. Also, I just read Brooke Shields' book on post-partum depression. Now I have pre-post-partum depression anxiety.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, never fear. I will get you Tylenol for your pain and shea butter for your belly. And your voluptuous figure only means your body is working exactly as nature intended it. There, it's all good. Is that better?
Ann: Yeah. Thanks.
Chris: I've been reading up on nipples. The reason that you're feeling nipple sensitivity is because your milk ducts in your nipples are opening up, which is why I bought you this nipple kit. It's from Kernsten's, the nipple people. It has nipple cream, nipple pads, and also a special nipple pimple ointment in case you develop any pimples on your nipples.
Ann: Oh, my God, you have to stop using the word "nipple."
Chris: Okay. Anyway. Hopefully that will help you with any sensitivity that may arise around your... boob hats.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing] Super fun It feels super good I wanna do it all the time Sex is cool. [talks] Okay, Sex Is Cool. Got that. I say we finish on Drunk Off Our Asses. And I think we should do Sex in Space. It's 20 minutes long, but it's really good.
April: Babe, I don't think you should play any of those songs for a group of six-year-olds.
Burly: Whoa, wait. Six-year-olds? Did you book us a gig at a kids' party? You said we were playing at a festival.
Chang: You said Dave Grohl might be there.
Andy: Dave Grohl might be there. I don't know. He might be anywhere. The guy's awesome, and he's unpredictable.

Quote from Donna

Ann: Ugh, and Lamaze class, wait till I tell you about that Ponzi scheme. Ugh. [Donna enters smoking a cigar] Oh, hey, Donna, what the hell? You know I can't be around smoke or fatty tuna. [Ron uses his remote to close the door on on Ann] Ron.
Donna: At first, this was funny, but it's gotten out of hand. This was our chance to vent about work, and you've taken it over.
Tom: Yeah! It's sushi and cigar club now.
Ann: Wow. Okay. I see how it is.
Tom: I feel bad.
Donna: I don't. This is a Cuban. This is yellowtail. I feel amazing.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Hey, friends. I'm just about to go on my night jog. Would you like to join me?
Donna: Mm, hard pass. We're here because you need to tend to your woman. She's complaining about everything, ruining Whine & Cheese Club.
Chris: I literally have 1,000 questions. Why is Ron wearing headphones? What's Whine & Cheese Club? And what is Ann complaining about?
Donna: You, mostly. How you never let her vent because you're always too busy trying to solve everything for her.
Chris: She's upset that I'm trying to help her?
Ron Swanson: You've fallen into a classic trap, Christopher, trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are!
Chris: Why are you yelling?
Ron Swanson: Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, man, if Ann needs Tylenol, she can get it herself. What she needs from you is to just look her in the eyes, nod your head, and say those two magic words.
Donna: "That sucks."
Chris: "That sucks"?
Tom: I spent my entire life reading instructional books about relationships in order to trick women into liking me. When Ann tells you what's bothering her, don't try to fix it. Just say, "Damn, that sucks."

Quote from Andy

Andy: My name is Burt Macklin. I investigate stinky feet for the FBI. [plays guitar and sings] Stinky feet patrol ♪
Stinky feet patrol [kids cheer] Stinky feet patrol! Stinky feet patrol! [yelling]
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is so fun. I cannot believe this only cost me 150 bucks.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [chortles] The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle!


 Episode 611 Episode 613 
  Select another episode