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‘Soda Tax’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Soda Tax

502. Soda Tax

Aired September 27, 2012

Leslie loses her conviction as city councilwoman when she receives pushback on a new soda tax measure. Meanwhile, Ben feels the interns don't respect him in D.C., and Chris and Tom help Andy train to run two miles in under twenty-five minutes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera:] My first act as a city councilwoman? I've proposed a tax on all those giant sugary sodas so we can discourage people from drinking them. I believe, with my help, all local restaurants can get healthier. Paunch Burger, Big and Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough, which was formerly Sue's Salads until we ran that out of town.

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Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey, everybody. So, I've been going over your reports. Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay? There's a crazy amount of random font differences in these memos.
April: Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on.
Ben: Times New Roman, across the board. No Geneva, no Garamond, definitely no Papyrus.
April: Papyrus? Are you kidding me? There's no place for that in a professional office setting.
Ben: Yes! Thank you, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: These college interns really need to be whipped into shape, but don't worry, because they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."
[back:]
Ben: And obviously make sure the content's perfect too. Oh, and, uh, 12 point. 13's just obnoxious. Great meeting.

Quote from Chris

Tom: Hey, man, what'd the doc say? Everything okay?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. [Andy gasps] They found nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing. The silent killer.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Ah, councilwoman. In honor of your never-ending quest to personally babysit each and every American citizen, I went to Paunch Burger and got myself a Number two. Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe, hash browns, chili cheese fries, and one poached egg.
Ann: Ugh! Number two is right.
Ron Swanson: I also picked up a 64-ounce Sweetums Sugar Splash. Damn it, I love this country so much.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ms. Pinewood, recently, many of the local restaurants have changed their "small-size" option to a whopping 64-ounces.
Kathryn Pinewood: That's correct, and it's great for the consumer. More bang for the buck. Are we putting bargains on trial here?
Ann: How could any sane person call that "small"?
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, if the customer truly wants a smaller size, there is an option.
Ann: Oh, do you mean the "li'I swallow"? Does anybody buy that?
Kathryn Pinewood: Some girls buy them for their dollhouses, but they're not very popular. I mean, for only a nickel more, you get 64 ounces.
Leslie Knope: Well, uh, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128-ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the "regular." Then, there is a horrifying 512-ounce version that the call "child size." How is this a "child-size soda"?
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year-old child, if the child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood, but why would anybody need this much soda?
Kathryn Pinewood: It's not my place to speak for the consumer, but everyone should buy it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Kathryn Pinewood: Ms. Knope, this is about consumer rights, and if they don't want to drink our delicious sodas, we do provide healthier options, like water zero.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes. Let's talk about water zero. The name implies that there are zero calories, like most water, but in fact, it has 300 calories per serving. Isn't that misleading?
Kathryn Pinewood: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. If you want zero-calorie water, try diet water zero lite. It has only 60 calories.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Oh, my God. It's so hot. It was horrible. [removes shirt and shorts] Oh, I'm going to die. I'm so tired. [groans] Everything hurts. Running is impossible. [groans]
Tom: What are you doing?
Chris: Tom, now is not the time for criticism. How did he do?
Tom: Andy finished his two-mile run in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
Andy: No! I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

Quote from Ben

April: Andy and Leslie sent us care packages.
Ben: "Hey Ben, just a few things to remind you of home. Love, Leslie." Ah, Waffle Mix. JJ's diner mug. New pajamas. Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here. "Box 1 of 12"?

Quote from April

April: "April, here's something to help you remember our three-legged dog champion."
Ben: Ah, that's cute.
April: "Also, you are way better at laundry. Can you please do mine and send it back to me? Thanks. Love you. Mouse Rat rules. Love, Andy."
Ben: Less cute.
April: "P.S. Please hurry. I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now." Look, there's a picture.
Ben: Ah! That's horrifying.
April: [sighs] I love him so much.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, so do you have the results of the study?
Ann: Yes, and they're great. Your tax on soda would definitely lower diabetes in this town. Oh, and I have a great prop for the meeting. This is the amount of sugar that the average Pawnee 10-year-old consumes, from soda, every month.
Leslie Knope: That is gross. [licks finger, puts it in sugar and licks it]
Ann: It's gross.
Leslie Knope: All that sugar?
Ann: It's really gross.
Leslie Knope: What a powerful image.
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: What did you put in the sugar? It's so good.

Quote from Ben

April: I actually think you look really good, except for the stick up your butt.
Ben: Who do you think drew it? Was it Nathaniel? Ellis? Man, I feel like these interns do not respect or like me at all.
Andy: Honestly, you could loosen up a bit on the font stuff. [sighs] And everything in general.
Ben: God, this is insane. They're interns. They're totally replaceable, and I'm their boss. Just fire them. [on the phone] Uh, hey, Jen. Listen, I'm having a problem with some of the interns. I'm thinking of making some changes. Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: Turns out Ellis is Congressman Murray's nephew. Nathaniel is related to Donald Rumsfeld. Brittany's dad is Ben Bernanke's dentist. Every single one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So, new plan. Instead of firing them, I am going to kiss their asses like crazy.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, I think we're done here. Thank you so much.
Kathryn Pinewood: Oh, councilwoman, one more thing. If your tax bill passes, local restaurants will hurt badly. We'll have to lay off about 100 people.
Leslie Knope: You're bluffing. She's bluffing. Are you bluffing?
Kathryn Pinewood: The second your tax bill passes, this press release goes wide. See you at the meeting.
Leslie Knope: "Leslie Knope Soda Tax Forces Massive Layoffs." Oh, my God, Ann. I need some sugar.
Ann: No, no. No, no, no! Stop it! Leslie, you stop it right now!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, let's get started. I proposed this bill, but the issue has become very complicated, so before I decide how I am going to vote, I'd love to hear from both sides. Who'd like to start? Yes.
Roger: Yeah, I work at Colonel Plump's, and word around the Slop Trough is, they're talking about laying people off. So, maybe you could get off your high horse and help me keep my job.
All: Yeah!
Leslie Knope: Well, sir, I may vote against the tax, because, frankly, I don't take job losses lightly.
Dee Dee: No. I want the tax. My husband started drinking those giant sodas, and he's gained 100 pounds in three months. Consequently, we haven't had sex in ten years.
Ann: I-I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months.
Dee Dee: Well, we have lots of other problems.
Leslie Knope: Well, ma'am, my original stance was that implementing this tax would be good for public health.
Grover: All taxation is theft! If the government can tax me, I-I can--I can do this.
Leslie Knope: Grover, give that woman her purse back.
Grover: There's a lot of pill bottles in here.
Leslie Knope: Okay.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Been making some modifications to the pace car. Speaker system, Mad Men bar, iPad dock, and bam! Orange racing stripe. It's a perfect recreation of Han Lue's Nissan in The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Weirdly, so far, no one has noticed.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, anyone else?
Pearl: Yeah, if we put a tax on soda, I mean, what's next, income?
Leslie Knope: Sir, you don't pay your income tax?
Pearl: Whether or not I pay income tax is none of the government's business.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, no, actually, it is.
Pearl: Well, you don't know my name or what I look like, so good luck finding me.

Quote from Ann

Terrence: I think we should tax all bad things, like racism and women's vaginae.
Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
Terrence: Then what the hell are we doing here? Come on, boys. [a group of middle-aged men leave]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: How are you gonna vote?
Leslie Knope: I don't know. If I vote for the tax, then I might lose my job, and if I vote against it, I might be betraying my own bill. It's like I'm floating in this giant river of ambiguity. I'm under a warm waterfall of uncertainty.
Ann: Do you just have to pee real bad?
Leslie Knope: Yes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ethel Beavers: Councilman Howser?
Councilman Howser: Aye.
Ethel Beavers: Councilman Howser votes aye. Councilwoman Knope, how do you vote?
Leslie Knope: Oh, no.
[Leslie vomits into her over-sized soda container]
Leslie Knope: Gentlemen, it appears that I have fallen ill. Mayhaps, might I suggest that we have a re--aah! [vomits] Can we take a recess?

Quote from Jerry

Ann: Well. your pulse is super-fast, but that wouldn't be out of line for someone who drank and then barfed up a gallon of sugar water.
Leslie Knope: Wow, I'm a mess. Everything's upside-down, you know? I mean, when I used to just work here, I was always so sure of myself. Now everything is different.
Jerry: Jeez. Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue?
Ann: Well, not everything's different, right?
Leslie Knope: Right.

Quote from Andy

Tom: Why weren't you at practice this morning?
Andy: Yeah, you should have been there. I finally hit my minimum requirement. Minimum champion!
Chris: I'm going to die one day, probably, without ever having left my mark on this silly, little planet. I'm gonna die an anonymous, meaningless speck of dust.
Andy: Wow. It sounds like you're really going through some tough stuff right now. It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.

Quote from Chris

Chris: [aside to camera] All my life, I have tried to achieve external goals. Run a four-minute mile, climb Mount Everest. But before I can do that, I need to climb the Mount Everest of my mind.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I don't understand. Why did you try to get me fired?
Ron Swanson: The first year you worked here, you drove me nuts. I would say no to something you wanted to do, and you'd ignore me or go over my head and do it anyway. You were insubordinate, stubborn, a pain in my ass, and, worst of all, bubbly.
Leslie Knope: I was a dedicated public servant.
Ron Swanson: Right. That was the worst thing you were. The point is, I ended up withdrawing all four requests to have you fired, because, ultimately, I'd rather work with a person of conviction than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
Leslie Knope: Well, I had conviction because I knew what I believed in, but I know with this new job. I-I just feel like I've lost my bearings.
Ron Swanson: No, you haven't. You may have wandered into unknown terrain, but you're still you. You know what?
Leslie Knope: Are you gonna pull out some embarrassing photo of me from high school?
Ron Swanson: Take this compass. All great adventurers need one.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. And, listen, as far as this firing stuff goes, I won't forget and I will never forgive you.
Ron Swanson: There she is.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ethel Beavers: City councilwoman Knope, how do you vote?
Leslie Knope: Aye. Strongly in favor.
Ethel Beavers: The soda tax measure passes, 3-2. [gavel bangs]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Yes, I'm very pleased with my vote because I voted my conscience. And by the way, she's totally bluffing about laying people off, you watch. Anyway, I may have made some enemies today, but that is part of the job. And who knows, maybe in the future, my enemies will become my friends. Stranger things have happened.
Ron Swanson: Let's keep it down out there. [Ron uses his remote to close his door]


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