Leslie Knope: [aside to camera:] My first act as a city councilwoman? I've proposed a tax on all those giant sugary sodas so we can discourage people from drinking them. I believe, with my help, all local restaurants can get healthier. Paunch Burger, Big and Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough, which was formerly Sue's Salads until we ran that out of town.

Ben: Hey, everybody. So, I've been going over your reports. Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay? There's a crazy amount of random font differences in these memos.
April: Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on.
Ben: Times New Roman, across the board. No Geneva, no Garamond, definitely no Papyrus.
April: Papyrus? Are you kidding me? There's no place for that in a professional office setting.
Ben: Yes! Thank you, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: These college interns really need to be whipped into shape, but don't worry, because they call me Devo, 'cause I can "whip 'em good."
[back:]
Ben: And obviously make sure the content's perfect too. Oh, and, uh, 12 point. 13's just obnoxious. Great meeting.

Ron Swanson: Ah, councilwoman. In honor of your never-ending quest to personally babysit each and every American citizen, I went to Paunch Burger and got myself a Number two. Double Bacon Grenade Deluxe, hash browns, chili cheese fries, and one poached egg.
Ann: Ugh! Number two is right.
Ron Swanson: I also picked up a 64-ounce Sweetums Sugar Splash. Damn it, I love this country so much.

Tom: Hey, man, what'd the doc say? Everything okay?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. [Andy gasps] They found nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing. The silent killer.

Leslie Knope: Ms. Pinewood, recently, many of the local restaurants have changed their "small-size" option to a whopping 64-ounces.
Kathryn Pinewood: That's correct, and it's great for the consumer. More bang for the buck. Are we putting bargains on trial here?
Ann: How could any sane person call that "small"?
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, if the customer truly wants a smaller size, there is an option.
Ann: Oh, do you mean the "li'I swallow"? Does anybody buy that?
Kathryn Pinewood: Some girls buy them for their dollhouses, but they're not very popular. I mean, for only a nickel more, you get 64 ounces.
Leslie Knope: Well, uh, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128-ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the "regular." Then, there is a horrifying 512-ounce version that the call "child size." How is this a "child-size soda"?
Kathryn Pinewood: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year-old child, if the child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood, but why would anybody need this much soda?
Kathryn Pinewood: It's not my place to speak for the consumer, but everyone should buy it.

Kathryn Pinewood: Ms. Knope, this is about consumer rights, and if they don't want to drink our delicious sodas, we do provide healthier options, like water zero.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes. Let's talk about water zero. The name implies that there are zero calories, like most water, but in fact, it has 300 calories per serving. Isn't that misleading?
Kathryn Pinewood: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. If you want zero-calorie water, try diet water zero lite. It has only 60 calories.

Andy: Oh, my God. It's so hot. It was horrible. [removes shirt and shorts] Oh, I'm going to die. I'm so tired. [groans] Everything hurts. Running is impossible. [groans]
Tom: What are you doing?
Chris: Tom, now is not the time for criticism. How did he do?
Tom: Andy finished his two-mile run in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
Andy: No! I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

Terrence: I think we should tax all bad things, like racism and women's vaginae.
Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
Terrence: Then what the hell are we doing here? Come on, boys. [a group of middle-aged men leave]

Leslie Knope: I don't understand. Why did you try to get me fired?
Ron Swanson: The first year you worked here, you drove me nuts. I would say no to something you wanted to do, and you'd ignore me or go over my head and do it anyway. You were insubordinate, stubborn, a pain in my ass, and, worst of all, bubbly.
Leslie Knope: I was a dedicated public servant.
Ron Swanson: Right. That was the worst thing you were. The point is, I ended up withdrawing all four requests to have you fired, because, ultimately, I'd rather work with a person of conviction than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
Leslie Knope: Well, I had conviction because I knew what I believed in, but I know with this new job. I-I just feel like I've lost my bearings.
Ron Swanson: No, you haven't. You may have wandered into unknown terrain, but you're still you. You know what?
Leslie Knope: Are you gonna pull out some embarrassing photo of me from high school?
Ron Swanson: Take this compass. All great adventurers need one.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ron. And, listen, as far as this firing stuff goes, I won't forget and I will never forgive you.
Ron Swanson: There she is.

April: Andy and Leslie sent us care packages.
Ben: "Hey Ben, just a few things to remind you of home. Love, Leslie." Ah, Waffle Mix. JJ's diner mug. New pajamas. Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here. "Box 1 of 12"?