Ben: Gin and tonic, please.
Ron Swanson: Belay that order, Dana. Lagavulin, neat. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. What's on your mind, son?
Ben: Well, Jen Barkley offered me a job in Washington. A great job, but I think Leslie wants me to stay. What would you do?
Ron Swanson: Well, I've never been one for meeting new people or doing new things or eating new types of food or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.
Ben: You do?
Ron Swanson: But you and Leslie like to hold hands and jump off of cliffs together into the great unknown. [shudders] You two have a good relationship. I don't personally know what that's like, but I'm given to understand that means you're going to land on your feet.

Andy: So dream jobs, go. Dream big, kid!
April: Fine. Uh, dental hygienist who's also a medium, so I can clean people's teeth and tell them when they're going to die.
Andy: That's brilliant.

Tom: Party starts at 7:00 in the historic Jermaine Jackson Ballroom at the Pawnee Supersuites. It is no longer "A Pimps n' Hoes" pajama party. That idea was nixed by a certain uptight nerd who shall remain nameless. By ten we should know who won the election, but more importantly, tonight, Ann and I are getting back together.
Ann: Oh, right, because of the dream you had?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30 A.M., I woke up from a dream that felt so real that it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me, and she says, "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back." Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million. It was all so real.

Perd Hapley: [on TV] The polls have just closed, and now we're getting results in the race for city council. With just 1% of the precincts reporting, adult film star Brandi Maxxxx has a commanding lead.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. That's it. It's not Bobby Newport who's going to beat me, it's Brandi Maxxxx, the porn star. What is this? Italy?

Ann: Listen, I know you're stressed out, and I figured you would be, so I took the liberty of arranging a fun little activity for us.
Leslie Knope: You did?
Ann: Mm-hmm.
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ann. Thank you so much. I've said this to you before, and I know it makes you uncomfortable...
Ann: Oh, boy.
Leslie Knope: But you're thoughtful, and you're brilliant, and your ambiguous ethnic blend perfectly represents the dream of the American melting pot.

Tom: Hey, any news?
Ben: They said the recount could take two hours, but who knows.
Tom: Man, this is stressful. I picked the wrong week to do a juice cleanse.

Ron Swanson: That's a nice chair. Corinthian leather, solid mahogany frame with what I believe are hand-cut mortise and tenon joints pinned with oak.
Leslie Knope: I was really looking forward to sitting in it. Figured this might be my last chance.
Ron Swanson: You don't know that.
Leslie Knope: Ron, for the last six months, my friends have worked so hard. Every five-minute coffee break at work, every night, every weekend, every spare moment of their lives, they gave to me. If I lose, I'll never forgive myself. You deserve to win.
Ron Swanson: We didn't volunteer to help you because we wanted to wrap ourselves in personal glory. We did it because we...care about you. You had a dream, and we wanted to support your dream. That's what you do when you care about someone. You support them, win, lose, or draw. Let's go back to the party. You drive. I've had 11 whiskeys.

Terrence: I will certify the results after all the precints have reported. A final tally within 1% would trigger an automatic recount. In the event of an exact tie, the seat is awarded to the male candidate, and the female candidate is put in jail.
Leslie Knope: Once again, I have to object.
Terrence: I don't think it would hold up in court, but it is city law. Any questions?
Ben: Yes, actually. At the 11th hour the Newports are trying to install these voting machines at several precincts around town. Watch what happens when I vote for Bobby Newport.
Computer Voice: Good choice. Enjoy a voucher for a complimentary Sweetums candy bar.
Jennifer Barkley: Shouldn't we be rewarding our citizens for voting?
Leslie Knope: I'm never against anyone getting a candy bar, but watch what happens when you vote for me.
Computer Voice: [buzzer sounds] Are you sure? Take a second and think it over.
Leslie Knope: Then you have to press it again.
Computer Voice: [baby crying] To cancel your vote and select someone better, press the Sweetums logo.
Jennifer Barkley: I'm sorry. I just don't see the problem.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Bobby Newport and I are separated by a razor-thin margin. Could go either way. I've only slept nine hours over the past four days, so I'm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. [holds up a cream-smeared cell phone] This isn't a bagel.

Andy: April! Got your message. Where are you?
April: Under the table.
Andy: [chuckles] Why are you hiding? Should I hide too? What's going on?
April: I was supposed to copy all the department files onto a thumb drive, and it kept freezing, and I got annoyed, and I don't know what happened, but all the files are gone on every computer. They're all gone. Babe, they're all gone.
Andy: Okay, okay. Calm down. First of all, you did the right thing by hiding under this table. Secondly, your man is here. I'm gonna take care of this for us. I've been playing Xbox for years. I'm really good at fixing it when it freezes. I know exactly what to do.
[Andy blows air into the top of the computer monitor, then smacks it off the desk]
Andy: Try it now.