Chris Traeger Quotes Page 1 of 9

Quote from Jerry's Retirement

Dr. Van Dyne: So we ran all your tests, and everything looks great. You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen. You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.
Chris: Yes, I get that a lot.

Rate

Quote from The Master Plan

Chris: Leslie, Leslie. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Leslie Knope: Wow. You have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh, yeah. Would you like a vitamin? B-12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?
Leslie Knope: No, thank you.
Chris: You sure? Really good for hangovers.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'll take one.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, and positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Quote from Flu Season

Chris: Ann Perkins.
Ann: Hey. How was your run?
Chris: Ended with a 5 1/2-minute mile, my personal low. I think the pavement in this town is soft.
Ann: What's with the mask?
Chris: Flu prevention. My body is finely tuned, like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.
Ann: My body's like a chip too. Potato chip. [both chuckle] No.

Quote from Flu Season

Leslie Knope: I am not sick. I just have allergies, okay? I took a Claritin, and I threw that up. So I took another one. I threw that up. And then I took a third, and it stayed down. I'm getting better.
Ben: All right, you're burning up.
Leslie Knope: You're burning up. What?
Chris: I have to get out of here. I have 2.8% body fat. My body's like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it. My body's a microchip.

Quote from Emergency Response

Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!

Quote from Freddy Spaghetti

Chris: Ben, there was a big concert? Now there's not? Isn't there anything that we can do about that?
Ben: No, there isn't.
Chris: It's too bad. Sorry, Leslie. Damn! I have to go run ten miles.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I have run ten miles a day for eighteen years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

Quote from Freddy Spaghetti

Chris: Ann Perkins!
Ann: Chris...Something.
Chris: Hi! I was just doing my daily lunchtime ten miles, and I ran by the hospital, and I thought I'd pop up and say hi.
Ann: Did you just start your run?
Chris: No, I'm already at mile nine.
Ann: But you're not sweating at all.
Chris: I know. I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Quote from Ron and Tammys

Ann: I would like to shoot a new PSA and I think it'd be good to get someone who's healthy and telegenic, and I thought that you would be perfect.
Chris: Ann Perkins. I am flattered. And I will do it. Is there a script yet?
Ann: Uh, no, because you just approved the idea, like, three seconds ago.
Chris: I would like you to write me a script and get it to me in an hour. And we should start thinking about wardrobe. Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts. I'm very excited about this. In terms of shirts, I can wear white...

Quote from Bailout

Chris: I made everything worse. If Tom were a bag of flour, that flour would never grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted loaf of bread. Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Quote from Doppelgangers

Chris: Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.

Quote from A Parks and Recreation Special

Ann: I'm just helping with out-patient care. Gotta do what we can. Chris is donating blood four times a week.
Andy: Oh, good for you, man. [lock clattering] Who are you giving it to? Just kind of... whoever wants it? "Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?
Ann: I used to date that guy.
Chris: Oh, no! Andy. The CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy. My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye. They're like cherry Froot Loops! And my blood type is just positive.
Ann: They've designated him a super-healer. So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Quote from Soda Tax

Tom: Hey, man, what'd the doc say? Everything okay?
Chris: The tests and blood work came back, and the news is terrible. [Andy gasps] They found nothing.
Tom: Nothing?
Chris: Nothing. The silent killer.

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