Tom Haverford Quotes Page 1 of 22

Quote from Partridge

Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.


Quote from Ron and Tammy

Tom: Okay. I think you should play this one cool, man. Be the grown-up. Take the high road.
Mark: Yeah.
Tom: Ann's a classy chick. If you get down in the mud, you're just gonna lose her respect.
Mark: You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Quote from Camping

Tom: I've never been before, but I think I'm gonna love it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Why am I gonna love it? Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall. I got my TV, my XBox, DVD. Awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba's in the mix. Ah, it's like I'm not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

Quote from Meet n Greet

Leslie Knope: Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
Tom: I'm too sad to get out. And I'm all pruney.
Leslie Knope: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around--
Leslie Knope: With the company.
Tom: We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened. They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.

Quote from End of the World

Jean-Ralphio: [annoying call] T-Cups, we did it, baby. We built a company from the ground up.
Tom: And then we ran it into the ground.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, the important thing to remember is that it was a massive success. Remy Martin?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Well, Entertainment 7Twenty is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with, Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Quote from The Wall

Ben: Okay, this is the really exciting part. We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?
Tom: Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Quote from Prom

Ben: All right, let's go over our set list.
Tom: Set list? No need.
Ben: So, what, you're just gonna put your iPod on shuffle?
Tom: No, but I could. You want to know why?
Ben: [sighs] Because every single song you own is a banger?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

Quote from Leslie's House

Justin: God, India is so amazing. Let me tell you something. That is my absolute favorite place to travel. Where did you say your parents were from?
Tom: Um, the south part.
Leslie Knope: The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Justin: Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?
Tom: Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.
Justin: Tell me everything, right now.
Tom: One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up. Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.

Quote from Woman of the Year

Tom: [aside to camera] This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose Room F. When? 3:00 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life. [flings card]

Quote from Summer Catalog

Tom: What are we trying to do with this catalog? We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes. How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image. April. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are. Next slide. Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition in a world that resists our inquiries.
Leslie Knope: Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons. One, this is a summer catalog. Two, that was complete gibberish. And three, that child looks like it's abandoned, so basically, boo.

Quote from 94 Meetings

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse 'cause you look barely legal?
Jessica Wicks: Tom Haverford. If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
Tom: And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana. Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [holds hand out; awkwardly hugs Nick Newport, Sr.] Come here, you.
Nick Newport, Sr.: Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?
Tom: No. I'm one of the Indian people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

Quote from Soulmates

Leslie Knope: Do you want to go to lunch?
Tom: Uh, no, I don't really feel like going to JJ's.
Leslie Knope: We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying.
Tom: Can I get apps and 'serts?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: 'Serts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call sandwiches Sammies, Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a "z." I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big old cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks... Food rakes.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you can get as many 'serts as you want.
Tom: Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Car.

Quote from Road Trip

Tom: Here's the sitch. I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
Tom: Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game okay?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It is totally The Newlywed Game. But big deal. Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. Don't know, don't care.

Quote from The Comeback Kid

Tom: [on the phone] Akash, buddy, of course I came to you first. You're the best carpet man in Pawnee. But here's my question. Do your carpets match your drapes? [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

Quote from Sex Education

Ron Swanson: Yeah, I have a new idea. You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. Talk about all the things you do on those screens, and let the words just float away into the fresh air, and then we will be done.
Tom: Okay, worth a shot. Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shorties.
Ron Swanson: See? That was easy.
Tom: Then I like to go on reddit. Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need.

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