Tom Haverford Quotes Page 1 of 33

Quote from Partridge

Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.


Quote from Ron and Tammy

Tom: Okay. I think you should play this one cool, man. Be the grown-up. Take the high road.
Mark: Yeah.
Tom: Ann's a classy chick. If you get down in the mud, you're just gonna lose her respect.
Mark: You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Quote from Camping

Tom: I've never been before, but I think I'm gonna love it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Why am I gonna love it? Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall. I got my TV, my XBox, DVD. Awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba's in the mix. Ah, it's like I'm not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

Quote from Prom

Ben: All right, let's go over our set list.
Tom: Set list? No need.
Ben: So, what, you're just gonna put your iPod on shuffle?
Tom: No, but I could. You want to know why?
Ben: [sighs] Because every single song you own is a banger?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

Quote from Meet n Greet

Leslie Knope: Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
Tom: I'm too sad to get out. And I'm all pruney.
Leslie Knope: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around--
Leslie Knope: With the company.
Tom: We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened. They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.

Quote from End of the World

Jean-Ralphio: [annoying call] T-Cups, we did it, baby. We built a company from the ground up.
Tom: And then we ran it into the ground.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, the important thing to remember is that it was a massive success. Remy Martin?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Well, Entertainment 7Twenty is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with, Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Quote from The Wall

Ben: Okay, this is the really exciting part. We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?
Tom: Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Quote from Leslie's House

Justin: God, India is so amazing. Let me tell you something. That is my absolute favorite place to travel. Where did you say your parents were from?
Tom: Um, the south part.
Leslie Knope: The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Justin: Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?
Tom: Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.
Justin: Tell me everything, right now.
Tom: One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up. Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.

Quote from Woman of the Year

Tom: [aside to camera] This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose Room F. When? 3:00 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life. [flings card]

Quote from Summer Catalog

Tom: What are we trying to do with this catalog? We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes. How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image. April. Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are. Next slide. Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We're all struggling for definition in a world that resists our inquiries.
Leslie Knope: Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons. One, this is a summer catalog. Two, that was complete gibberish. And three, that child looks like it's abandoned, so basically, boo.

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