Tom: Okay. I think you should play this one cool, man. Be the grown-up. Take the high road.
Mark: Yeah.
Tom: Ann's a classy chick. If you get down in the mud, you're just gonna lose her respect.
Mark: You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Tom: I've never been before, but I think I'm gonna love it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Why am I gonna love it? Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall. I got my TV, my XBox, DVD. Awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba's in the mix. Ah, it's like I'm not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

Ben: All right, let's go over our set list.
Tom: Set list? No need.
Ben: So, what, you're just gonna put your iPod on shuffle?
Tom: No, but I could. You want to know why?
Ben: [sighs] Because every single song you own is a banger?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Every song I download has to pass a series of rigorous tests to answer one simple question: Is it a banger? How many beats per minute? How many drops? How dope are the drops? Were any acoustic instruments used? If so, it is not a banger. I once accidentally downloaded a Lumineers song. I had to throw away my whole computer just to be safe.

Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.

Leslie Knope: Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
Tom: I'm too sad to get out. And I'm all pruney.
Leslie Knope: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around--
Leslie Knope: With the company.
Tom: We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened. They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.

Jean-Ralphio: [annoying call] T-Cups, we did it, baby. We built a company from the ground up.
Tom: And then we ran it into the ground.
Jean-Ralphio: Well, the important thing to remember is that it was a massive success. Remy Martin?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Well, Entertainment 7Twenty is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Ben: Okay, this is the really exciting part. We buy tetrachloroethylene at $1.60 a gallon, but we sell it back at 2.38 a gallon. Now I know what you're thinking. What if it's a cleaner who wants to buy glycol ethers?
Tom: Ben, stop! This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Tom: [aside to camera] This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose Room F. When? 3:00 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life. [flings card]

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse 'cause you look barely legal?
Jessica Wicks: Tom Haverford. If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
Tom: And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana. Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [holds hand out; awkwardly hugs Nick Newport, Sr.] Come here, you.
Nick Newport, Sr.: Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?
Tom: No. I'm one of the Indian people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

Justin: God, India is so amazing. Let me tell you something. That is my absolute favorite place to travel. Where did you say your parents were from?
Tom: Um, the south part.
Leslie Knope: The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Justin: Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?
Tom: Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.
Justin: Tell me everything, right now.
Tom: One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up. Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.