Ann: What is your ideal man?
Leslie Knope: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
Ann: Interesting. That's a high, weird bar.

Ann: And for you, madam, the Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Ann: I can't believe the cafeteria named a sandwich after you. They're so cool.
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm. Salami on pumpernickel with olive juice and extra iceberg. It was the only sandwich on the board that wasn't named. I just wish I'd liked it.

George MacFayden: Ron Swanson?
Ron Swanson: That's me.
George MacFayden: My name is George MacFayden. I wanted to talk to you about the amount of snow in the parks.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I've been getting a lot of visitors recently, thanks to a stupid, worthless, new push to make government officials more accessible to the public.
[montage:]
Man: There is a disturbing of benches in Ramsett park! I want to sit more!
Woman: And another thing I like is the layout of the hiking trails.
Woman: I made this in one of your pottery classes. It's terrible!
[back:]
Ron Swanson: This is my hell.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] You know, I was only with Mark for one night, and then I was hung up on him for six years. I dated Dave for three months, so if I continue that pattern, I won't be over him for... Five hundred years.

Ann: So, Tom, here's your Chicken Caesar Salad. No dressing, no cheese, no croutons, no taste.
Tom: And no carbs.

Ron Swanson: More important than that and more important than anything in this godforsaken world is finding me an assistant.
Tom: You get an assistant now?
Ron Swanson: Yeah, I've always been able to have one, but I've turned it down 'cause it's a waste of money. In the eight years I've been at the job, I've saved the taxpayers of this city more than 150 grand. But now, I need the taxpayers' money to save me from the taxpayers. Post this at your college.
April: This looks like an ad for nothing.
[A white sheet of paper with only the text "Job: assistant to man. Low pay. Apply at Parks Department"]
Ron Swanson: Please be careful with it, it's my only copy.

Ann: So how are you feeling about the whole Dave situation?
Leslie Knope: Aw, I really miss him. Yeah, I'm just trying to enjoy the memories.
Ann: Aw, that's a sweet picture.
Leslie Knope: Oh, isn't it? I asked the police department if I could have it and they said no, so I stole it.

Ann: [aside to camera] I feel sorry for Leslie. It's really hard to end a relationship because of distance. Although that's pretty much why I broke up with Andy. He lived way too close to me.

Justin: I should warn you, land seizure isn't really my specialty, but I'm happy to take a look. Any friend of Ann's...
Leslie Knope: Is a friend of mine! That's my motto, too. So, what is your specialty? Is it locking up the bad guys or keeping them on the streets?
Justin: Uhm, neither. Civil litigation, mostly.
Leslie Knope: That's interesting.
Justin: It can be. I've got this crazy case... Have you ever heard of this product Fire in a Can?
Leslie Knope: Ah, I love those commercials! [sings] If you wanna start a fire but you have to do it fast, then-
Justin: Yeah, well, you shouldn't buy it. It will literally burn your hand clean off.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow.
[aside to camera:]
Justin: It is an aerosol can with an igniter and a trigger. It's essentially a blowtorch, and if you can believe it, it was invented to warm up baby bottles.

Leslie Knope: Go, Ann, go! Oh, just one rule. I don't want to date a twin, 'cause I've been tricked before.
Ann: Okay.