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‘Doppelgangers’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Doppelgangers

604. Doppelgangers

Aired October 10, 2013

Following the merger of the two towns, the team meet their new counterparts from Eagleton. Ron is initially impressed by his double, Eagleton Ron (guest star Sam Elliott). Ben and Chris play good cop/bad cop when they inspect Eagleton's broken budget. Meanwhile, Leslie is stunned when Ann announces she is thinking of moving,

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: First of all, this is Evelyn.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello.
Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, this might be a very interesting challenge for you, because Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This is a historic day. At 12:01 this morning, the city of Eagleton ceased to exist and was re-absorbed back into Pawnee. Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817, except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets, and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I'm trying to save as many jobs as possible, but we're gonna have to lose some people. I'm not sure who we should keep. April, Tom and Donna are three of the best human beings that have ever lived. Ron is basically a better version of George Washington. But...the Eagletonians are probably good too.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me a little about yourself.
Eagleton Ron: Well, I love the outdoors, love nature.
Ron Swanson: Amen.
Eagleton Ron: I'm a big believer in environmental conservation. Recycling and composting and the like. I'm a yoga nut. And I'm a nut nut. [chuckling] They make delicious milks, man. And I'm a vegan, of course. Slowly working toward full freegan-vegan.
Ron Swanson: What in God's name is freegan-vegan?
Leslie Knope: You only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: What is on your foot, sir?
Eagleton Ron: My trusty sandals. I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged. Same goes for all chickens.
Leslie Knope: Well, Eagleton Ron, we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else. So would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town?
Eagleton Ron: As long as that new town were open to the ideals of communal living. Everyone pitches in towards a common good. In the immortal words of Cat Stevens, "If you want to be free, be free."
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I no longer like Ron.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: You can't force friendship, Leslie. It takes time. I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.
Eagleton Ron: I agree with Ron, Leslie. It's like Moz once said. "Hold on to your friends." Morrissey. The Smiths. You don't know Meat Is Murder? It's one of the best songs ever written about industrialized beef consumption.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it might be time for you to go. This Ron has the position pretty much locked up, and, uh, I don't think we have any room for you in our department.
Eagleton Ron: Fair enough. I should have seen it. Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they? Just remember, Ron. Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. The thirst only grows worse.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, remove this man before I commit an act of violence against him.
Eagleton Ron: Whatever you do, I won't fight back.

Quote from April

April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law.
Leslie Knope: No.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [recording] Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Larry Gengurch. Please leave your message after the tone.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: Well, when Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were just getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said, "Gayle, put that bikini away, because Pawnee needs me."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
Eagleton Ron: Yerba matte tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.
Ron Swanson: Shut your damn mouth.
Eagleton Ron: No need to curse.
Ron Swanson: There most certainly is.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay, Pawnee Parks Department. Soon, you will be paired up with a person who was roughly your equivalent in Eagleton. Donna, you'll be with Craig. April, you'll be with someone named Tynnyfer. And Ron, your guy is also named Ron.
Tom: Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent. Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes.

Quote from April

April: I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer?
Tynnyffer: No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to rebrand myself. Oh, wait, hang on. It's Xanax o'clock.
April: [mirrors Valley Girl accent] Um, well, nice to meet you. My name's April, and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
Tynnyffer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it, and I was like, "Shut up. Where do I get that?"
April: Oh, my God. Who's your spinning instructor? Gregory or Wynona?
Tynnyffer: I go to Yonis. Who are Gregory and Wynona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better?
April: Wynona rocks my world.
Tynnyffer: Seriously, you need to get me in there. Like, that's a must, must, must.
[aside to camera:]
April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Ron.
Eagleton Ron: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Last name?
Eagleton Ron: Dunne.
Ron Swanson: Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking?
Eagleton Ron: Both.
Ron Swanson: Dunne and done. [both chuckle]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I like Ron.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: Councilwoman Knope is your merger czar, and in the binders that she's provided, you will find directions to your department in Pawnee that most closely matches your department in Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: the Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I am told is a fancy horse-riding thing.
Alonzo: It is horse-dancing, madam.
Leslie Knope: Okay, take it easy, Alonzo. All you horse dancing people, sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you, welcome to your new departments.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: We brought Jerry out of retirement because we have a mountain of filing to get through. Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
Jerry: Thank you, Leslie. And as long as we're starting out fresh, Leslie, I was wondering if people would call me by my real name.
April: Larry?
Jerry: No, it's not Larry. It's Jerry. No, it's Garry.
April: Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.
Jerry: Come on, April, it's already hard enough for my family when you call me "Garry." Jerry.
April: Ha, ha, classic Larry.
Tom: [laughter] Larry.
All: Larry, Larry, Larry.
Jerry: Aw, jeez.

Quote from Ben

Chris: Today, we are not just merging two towns. We're throwing a birthday party for a new city. Happy birthday, New Pawnee. [blows party horn]
Ben: Party's over. You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made.
Horatio Freck: You're not as nice as the other guy.
Ben: I don't care.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system.
Ben: Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy. And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons.
Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. [ascending voice] You're all amazing!
Ben: [descending voice] You're all fired.
Chris: Teamwork.

Quote from Craig

Donna: Hi, I'm Donna.
Craig: Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it!
Donna: Wasn't gonna. You're Craig, right?
Craig: Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. Craig! Craig! I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.
Donna: Okay.
Donna: So here's my list of duties. I'm basically the office manager. How about you?
Craig: Oh, I did everything. Everything! I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

Quote from Tom

Tom: Well, well, well. You must be Eric.
Ragiv: I'm Ragiv from I.T. This is E.R.I.C.
Tom: E.R.I.C. is a computer program?
Ragiv: Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center. It does all the scheduling in Eagleton. I'm here to install it.
Tom: But scheduling's the main part of my job.
Ragiv: You still have a human being in charge of booking tennis courts? What is this, 1990? [computer beeps] I guess that explains the shoulder pads. [laughs]
Tom: How did he notice these?

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Wow. I feel sorry for her. I mean, nobody can fill your shoes, Ann. With your tiny little doll feet.
Ann: Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I, uh, I'm gonna step down, and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
Leslie Knope: What? No. Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster.
Ann: No. No, no, no. Chris and I have been talking, and we are thinking very seriously about leaving Pawnee and moving somewhere else to start our family-- Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! Delicious waffles.
Leslie Knope: Wait.
Ann: Should we try? Yeah, let's try.
Leslie Knope: Huh?
Ann: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Wait, what were you saying?
Ann: Try. Just enjoy. Yeah. There we go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you're telling me you're not thinking about leaving Pawnee.
Leslie Knope: I am thinking about leaving. Is this one of those classic Ann "not" jokes? Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee...not!"
Ann: I don't do that.
Leslie Knope: I was hoping that you had started.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, if Ann wants to leave Pawnee, I get it. I mean, who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe and move to a garbage city full of jerks. I get it. No hard feelings.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] E.R.I.C. is an amazing program. Fast, fun and easy to use. But there's one thing no man or machine can beat Tom Haverford at: talking mad trash till I get what I want.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Okay, let's take a look at this list of assets owned by the Eagleton government. 400 Segway scooters. Sell 'em. They're gone. You had six full-time baristas on the payroll. The baristas are gone. As are the masseurs. And the full-time barista who provided coffee for the masseurs.
Chris: It is excellent having the old band back together again. You know what? This calls for some celebratory lunges. One... two...

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: All right, Donna. There's gonna have to be some cutbacks. I mean, your job is secure, of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I think Craig's gonna have to go.
Donna: No, you should keep him. He's crazy intense, but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.
Leslie Knope: Uh, Donna, I'm right here.
Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly, if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.
Leslie Knope: Wait, what are you saying? Are you thinking about leaving?
Donna: I wasn't planning on it, but I could. You know, I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver.
Leslie Knope: Huh?
Donna: It won't last.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It seems like no one around here understands the meaning of loyalty. I am the merger czar. I make the rules. And I'm gonna teach people the meaning of loyalty in a language they will understand: complicated legalese.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot, so I made unity cookies with the Pawnee town's original colors of blue and yellow. However, I did not have yellow frosting, so I had to use mustard. But do not worry. I put tons of sugar on them, so it will even it out. [laughs] Mmm! Sugar mustard.
Eagleton Ron: That's awful kind of you, Leslie, but I'm afraid those are a little too sweet for me. I unhooked from that big sugar train over 30 years ago.
Leslie Knope: You are a man of principle and I respect that, cool Ron.

Quote from April

Tynnyffer: Can I just say something? I'm having so much fun right now.
April: Oh, my God, me too. Like, so much fun. Can I just say something, though?
Tynnyffer: Yeah.
April: Okay. You don't want this job. Seriously, this place is the pits. It's like, if you worked here, you'd be like, "Ugh!" And Leslie would be like, "Blah, blah, blah." And you'd be like, "Uh..."
Tynnyffer: Okay, can I say something? Right now, I totally think that you're right, and I had been thinking about going someplace warm while my husband is in jail.
April: Oh, my God! Can I just say something?
Tynnyffer: Yes!
April: Okay. You should totally stay at my house in Miami.
Tynnyffer: What?
April: I'm serious. Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. The gate kind of jams sometimes, but you can just jump it.
Tynnyffer: You are so amazing right now. You're like skinny Mother Theresa.
[aside to camera:]
April: It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

Quote from Chris

Ben: How's your salad?
Chris: Well, it's called the "Good Earth Salad," but really, it's just cheese, toffee, and gummy bear worms. This town is really unhealthy.

Quote from Ben

Ben: You know, I forgot that this part of being accounting bros was actually pretty depressing. I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like high of solving accounting puzzles, we were always just beat at the end of the day.
Chris: I actually think it's something else. Back in the day, this was all we had. We'd go into a town, we'd fix problems. We'd go back to some rundown motel.
Ben: Yeah, you'd exercise. I'd re-watch Twin Peaks, then hit the Twin Peaks message boards and read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.


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