Ann: First of all, this is Evelyn.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello.
Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, this might be a very interesting challenge for you, because Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This is a historic day. At 12:01 this morning, the city of Eagleton ceased to exist and was re-absorbed back into Pawnee. Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817, except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets, and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.

Chris: Ben, it has been an honor watching you work today. It's been like watching Leonardo work. Da Vinci or DiCaprio. You're that good.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me a little about yourself.
Eagleton Ron: Well, I love the outdoors, love nature.
Ron Swanson: Amen.
Eagleton Ron: I'm a big believer in environmental conservation. Recycling and composting and the like. I'm a yoga nut. And I'm a nut nut. [chuckling] They make delicious milks, man. And I'm a vegan, of course. Slowly working toward full freegan-vegan.
Ron Swanson: What in God's name is freegan-vegan?
Leslie Knope: You only eat vegetables that have been thrown out in people's dumpsters.

Ron Swanson: What is on your foot, sir?
Eagleton Ron: My trusty sandals. I believe a man's feet should remain uncaged. Same goes for all chickens.
Leslie Knope: Well, Eagleton Ron, we here in Pawnee value loyalty above all else. So would you be opposed to signing an official loyalty pledge to our new town?
Eagleton Ron: As long as that new town were open to the ideals of communal living. Everyone pitches in towards a common good. In the immortal words of Cat Stevens, "If you want to be free, be free."
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I no longer like Ron.

Ron Swanson: You can't force friendship, Leslie. It takes time. I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.
Eagleton Ron: I agree with Ron, Leslie. It's like Moz once said. "Hold on to your friends." Morrissey. The Smiths. You don't know Meat Is Murder? It's one of the best songs ever written about industrialized beef consumption.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it might be time for you to go. This Ron has the position pretty much locked up, and, uh, I don't think we have any room for you in our department.
Eagleton Ron: Fair enough. I should have seen it. Taurus and Capricorns never mix, do they? Just remember, Ron. Giving in to hate is like drinking saltwater. The thirst only grows worse.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, remove this man before I commit an act of violence against him.
Eagleton Ron: Whatever you do, I won't fight back.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I'm trying to save as many jobs as possible, but we're gonna have to lose some people. I'm not sure who we should keep. April, Tom and Donna are three of the best human beings that have ever lived. Ron is basically a better version of George Washington. But...the Eagletonians are probably good too.

April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law.
Leslie Knope: No.

Jerry: [recording] Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Larry Gengurch. Please leave your message after the tone.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: Well, when Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were just getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said, "Gayle, put that bikini away, because Pawnee needs me."

Ron Swanson: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
Eagleton Ron: Yerba matte tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.
Ron Swanson: Shut your damn mouth.
Eagleton Ron: No need to curse.
Ron Swanson: There most certainly is.