Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I won't publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Laurence Fein two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann came in the next day and had a second interview with Chris. She nailed it, of course. But she doesn't want to totally leave her job. So they struck up a deal. She works at City Hall part-time, and two days a week, she still gets to be the greatest nurse in the world. Win-win. We need to remember what's important in life... friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work... it doesn't matter. But work is third.

Jean-Ralphio: Listen, you got to jump on the Tommytown Express. This guy has some of the best investment ideas I've ever heard in my life.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Make a baby tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur ear muffs for men. A new brand of bottled water called H2-HO. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a night club called eclipse that's only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge... $5,000. I can keep going.

Ben: We have to go hire a new PR Director for the Health Department.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?
Ben: I feel great. I ran 5k this morning.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.

Ron Swanson: Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. In general, I try never to speak with people, but I have been drinking this Snakejuice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
Man: Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.
Ron Swanson: Son, you should know that my recommendation is essentially a guarantee. Drink this, now.

Tom: Traegermeister! You made it.
Chris: Yeah, I got your email. We need to talk.
Tom: First off, though, try a little Snakejuice. It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry. There's plenty caffeine in it to keep you awake.
Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Ron Swanson: Is this everybody?
Donna: Ann took a cab. Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof. All right, where to first?
Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt. [laughter]
Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone.
Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry heaving in my car, you're all walking home.

Leslie Knope: What does Kahlua-style mean?
Tom: I mix a bunch of alcohol together, I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk, and it kind of tastes like Kahlua.
Donna: I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper.
Tom: Fine. Then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it, okay? Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it, you're on my done-zo list.
Ben: Uh, what's a done-zo list?
Tom: It means you and I are done-zo. Hanging out, getting food together, done-zo. You want to come over to my house and play video games? Done-zo. Hey, Tom, you want to come play putt-putt with me? No, we're done-zo.

Tom: Welcome to Guerilla Marketing 101. What is Guerilla Marketing? A few ordinary schmoes - no offense - have a casual conversation next to some guy about how great Snakejuice is. Next thing you know that guy orders an whole bottle of Snakejuice, and he has no idea why. April, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker named Jennifer. Andy, you are also a boring beer drinker named Michael. Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker. Your name will be Jerry. Ron is going to play our exciting Snakejuice drinker, AKA Brian Thunder.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each other with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.