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‘The Fight’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Fight

313. The Fight

Aired May 12, 2011

Tom invites his colleagues to the Snakehole Lounge to promote his new drink, Snakejuice. Leslie and Ann fall out after Leslie puts her forward for a public health job. Meanwhile, April and Andy spice things up at the club with a little role playing.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I won't publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Laurence Fein two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

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Quote from Tom

Jean-Ralphio: Listen, you got to jump on the Tommytown Express. This guy has some of the best investment ideas I've ever heard in my life.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Make a baby tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur ear muffs for men. A new brand of bottled water called H2-HO. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a night club called eclipse that's only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge... $5,000. I can keep going.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann came in the next day and had a second interview with Chris. She nailed it, of course. But she doesn't want to totally leave her job. So they struck up a deal. She works at City Hall part-time, and two days a week, she still gets to be the greatest nurse in the world. Win-win. We need to remember what's important in life... friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work... it doesn't matter. But work is third.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hello. My name is Ron Swanson. In general, I try never to speak with people, but I have been drinking this Snakejuice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
Man: Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.
Ron Swanson: Son, you should know that my recommendation is essentially a guarantee. Drink this, now.

Quote from Chris

Tom: Traegermeister! You made it.
Chris: Yeah, I got your email. We need to talk.
Tom: First off, though, try a little Snakejuice. It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry. There's plenty caffeine in it to keep you awake.
Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Quote from Donna

Ron Swanson: Is this everybody?
Donna: Ann took a cab. Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof. All right, where to first?
Leslie Knope: Your mother's butt. [laughter]
Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone.
Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry heaving in my car, you're all walking home.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: What does Kahlua-style mean?
Tom: I mix a bunch of alcohol together, I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk, and it kind of tastes like Kahlua.
Donna: I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper.
Tom: Fine. Then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it, okay? Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it, you're on my done-zo list.
Ben: Uh, what's a done-zo list?
Tom: It means you and I are done-zo. Hanging out, getting food together, done-zo. You want to come over to my house and play video games? Done-zo. Hey, Tom, you want to come play putt-putt with me? No, we're done-zo.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Welcome to Guerilla Marketing 101. What is Guerilla Marketing? A few ordinary schmoes - no offense - have a casual conversation next to some guy about how great Snakejuice is. Next thing you know that guy orders an whole bottle of Snakejuice, and he has no idea why. April, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker named Jennifer. Andy, you are also a boring beer drinker named Michael. Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker. Your name will be Jerry. Ron is going to play our exciting Snakejuice drinker, AKA Brian Thunder.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each other with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Quote from Chris

Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the Health Department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
Ben: Why?
Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife, Jan, had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, and so he put signs about her all through City Hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
Both: Oh, yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you chlamydia, brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department." "Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers." "The department of health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia." "Jan, I love you. Please come back. I realize that I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department." "Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Pawnee is looking for a new PR Director for the Health Department, and I submitted your name. You have an interview tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.
Ann: 9:00 A.M. wow.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier.
Ann: I'm... I am...
Leslie Knope: Grateful. I know. You can thank me later. But first you need to go over your homework. These are all the health initiatives the city has ever undertaken since the 1960s. So you need to partially memorize that. And it's gonna be a long night, so I got you some energy drinks and some chocolate-covered espresso beans and the book Freedom by Jonathan Franzen.
Ann: Why am I reading this?
Leslie Knope: Because I'm almost done with it, Ann. And I want to talk to you about Patty.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Okay, I've been a nurse for over 10 years. It's not something you just quit.
Leslie Knope: I understand. I just think with this new job, you could make a difference. Make real change happen. Plus, we'd be working in the same building. No more lightning-round catch-up sessions.
Ann: It would be nice to have an office.
Leslie Knope: This is your destiny, Ann. You don't want to waste away at the Pawnee St. Joseph Medical Center. and turn into her. And let's be honest, it would be nice to not have to pull strange things out of people's butts every night.
Ann: You've mentioned that before. That doesn't happen that often.
Leslie Knope: It happened once.
Ann: Just once.
Leslie Knope: That already is too many times.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You should try role play. That's what me and April do.
Ben: That explains the outfits.
Andy: Yeah, you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
Ben: That is our actual situation.
Andy: And she's addicted to spanking.
Ben: Okay, thanks. We got it. We're good.

Quote from Ben

Ben: We have to go hire a new PR Director for the Health Department.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?
Ben: I feel great. I ran 5k this morning.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Top of the morning, everyone. I brought some burgers and fries. Eat up. The protein soaks up the sugar. [whistles] First, you take the cow to the killing floor.


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