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‘Harvest Festival’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Harvest Festival

307. Harvest Festival

Aired March 17, 2011

Ahead of the Harvest Festival, Leslie treats her hard-working colleagues to a visit by local celebrity, Li'l Sebastian, an adorable mini horse. As the festival approaches, Leslie tries to avert disaster when the leader of the Wamapoke people requests the festival be moved from land which is significant to his people.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Are you gonna hit that?
Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him, abuse him, lose him. That's the Meagle motto.
[aside to camera:]
Donna: Grammy Meagle taught me that. She died at the age of 84, sandwiched between two thirty-year-olds.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, this is bad, right?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, this is bad. This is like a poop tornado. This is like a poopnado. This is way worse than that. This is a huge government project, and already a lightning rod. And then you add the Wamapoke controversy. Double lightning rod.
Ben: Plus we lost that little pony.
Leslie Knope: It's a mini horse! And that's the third lightning rod. Triple lightning rod! And then you have the curse, quadruple lightning rod. This is a classic four rod disaster.
Ben: Oh, right, one of those.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You know where I would hide if I was horse? The Merry-go-round. Think about it! You just stand still next to all the other horses and no one would ever know. It's the perfect crime.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: God, now all the vendors are gonna bail. And the ticket sales are gonna go down.
Ben: Wait, I'm sorry. But do people in this town really believe in curses?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Pawnee's a really superstitious town. A traveling magician came by one time and he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and the mob burned him at the stake for being a witch. The year was 1973.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987. And he was an instant phenomenon. That week, he was the eighth most photographed object in America. So suck it, the Alamo.

Quote from Ann

Donna: How you doing? You doing okay?
Ann: Thank you so much for asking, it's been tough, yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. I've been looking at some dog adoption web sites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. I did this to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.
Donna: Yeah. Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems, I'm gonna recommend you bottle that noise up.
Ann: That's what my mailman said.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Ground mission failed. We need a bird's eye view.
Andy: You want me to climb on top of the ferris wheel?

Quote from Ben

Ben: He really is amazing.
Leslie Knope: You finally get it now, right?
Ben: Hello, he's fantastic. I totally get it now.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy? [crowd cheering]
Leslie Knope: Ben, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied.
Ben: Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: We all need to be very careful, okay? Remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes and he has severe arthritis. Jerry is going to look after him.
Jerry: Yes, I am. We are both on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy? Are you?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The Harvest Festival is the biggest thing I've ever done in my career. And if it fails, the Parks Department will be eliminated. That's why we're going big. Seven days, over 30 different locations. 50,000-plus visitors, and four hospitality kiosks. God, I gotta stop ending on that boring thing. Clowns!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: We put up a memorial plaque, and we have a Wamapoke exhibit in the history tent. We're really trying.
Ken Hotate: I completely understand you. But this is sacred burial ground. And I just hope that the souls of my ancestors don't put a curse on this festival.
[aside to camera:]
Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love Rachael Ray, and they are terrified of curses.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: Um, so guys, focus up. Joan Callamezzo is coming by with a camera crew, for an exclusive last-minute walk through of the Harvest Festival before we open tomorrow. So everything needs to be perfect. Joan is always looking for a scandal. She's like an eagle-eyed tiger.
Andy: Eagle-eyed tiger! New band name, I call it!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] The advantage of being Leslie's boss is that she does everything herself and there are never any problems. Which means, for the next week, I can sit in a lawn chair and read this book about old boats. Excuse me. I have to get back to work.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Hey, whatever happened to you and the bionic man?
Ann: Chris? He broke up with me. But he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.
Donna: I've done that to multiple men.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: Oh, wow. He is so adorable.
Tom: Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom!
Tom: How are you?
Joan Callamezzo: Good. Good to see you.
Tom: Hold on a second. [squeaking sound] Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom: Joan, listen to me. This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion. [both laughing]
Ben: Good lord.

Quote from Ben

Joan Callamezzo: What about your friend Ben, here? We all know his story, one of failure. Remind us of that failure.
Ben: Well, uh, you know, when I was an 18-year-old mayor, I tried to build a winter sports complex called Ice Town and it bankrupted the city.
Joan Callamezzo: Yikes.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I was also short-stop on my JV baseball team. No one ever brings that up.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hey, hey, hey. Did you find him?
April: Yeah, Jerry. He's right here in my pocket.
Ron Swanson: Damn it. Okay, he can't have gone that far. He's got the legs of Tom, the endurance of Jerry, and the diseases of Jerry.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, I'd like to start by addressing some of the false rumors about the festival. First of all, we have plenty of food. There's no food shortage. There are not, as one reporter suggested, dozens of escaped convicts meandering around the carnival. And, at no time was any Parks Department worker quote, "feasting on petting zoo animals."

Quote from April

April: Jerry, can you please be quiet? I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
Andy: Ron, will you please tell me why April is mad at me?
April: Ron, can you please tell Andy...
Ron Swanson: All of you, be quiet! Andy, she's mad because you said "awesome sauce" instead of, "I love you, too." April, he loves you. Stop being a child. Tom, you're clearly at fault here. Blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching Li'l Sebastian. So everyone apologize to everyone else!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] We spotted him from the top of the ferris wheel at the center of the corn maze. After the power came back on, we went and got him. It took us four hours to solve that maze. It took the horse 15 minutes. Jerry's still out there. I suppose I oughta go look for him. Right after I get a bratwurst.


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