Leslie Knope: What are you losers doing for your bachelor party?
Chris: I told Ben he could do whatever he wants. Sky is the limit. We have Haverford, Swanson, Dwyer, Jerry forced his way in there somehow, things are bound to get crazy.
[cut to:]
Chris: The game is Settlers of Catan. The object is be the first to build a civilization on this fictional island.
Tom: I can't believe this is what you want to do for your bachelor party.
Ben: Look, guys, we don't have to play this game if you don't want to. I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair.

April: Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?
Ann: No.
April: Then I might have to leave early.

Bartender: Here's your Bud light.
Andy: I ordered a beer.
Bartender: That is a beer. And here's your Nimbus Martini. May I go ahead and chisel your aromasphere?
Tom: Please!
Ron Swanson: This is the wrong way to consume alcohol.

Tom: Whoa, that's a pretty stiff cloud.
Bartender: Who ordered the Scotch?
Ron Swanson: Right here.
Bartender: Hold out your hands, please.
Ron Swanson: What's happening?
Tom: Oh, this is a sort of play on Scotch. It's a whiskey-infused lotion.
Ron Swanson: Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?

Ron Swanson: Tammy One forbade me from any kind of celebration, and Tammy Two thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse.

Chris: Hey, guys. What are you doing here?
Ben: Congratulations. You have won the award for Best Man.
Tom: Full disclosure: I voted for Ryan Gosling, but you came in a close second.
Ben: Now, you've never been married, so you didn't get your own bachelor party. But let's look ahead.
Tom: The year is 2018. America is thriving under president Nick Cannon, and tomorrow, Chris Traeger's getting married.
Ron Swanson: Who's the lucky lady? Maybe she's an upbeat gal who's nuts about fitness.
Jerry: Maybe she owns a juice bar in Snerling.
Andy: Maybe it's April. Maybe I die. Skydiving explosion. Pbbbt. And then you go marry April. And it makes me sad, but if she's gonna be with somebody, I'd like it to be you.
Chris: Strange, but sweet.
Andy: Only I didn't really die. I was faking it. And I come back. I spy on you from my red Corvette. And I'm planning to kick your ass, but I see how happy you make her, and I have to walk away. I have to. And I do, slowly. In a rainstorm.
Ben: Okay, this isn't really in the spirit of what we're trying to do.
Andy: But as time goes by, it eats away at me. You're out living it up with my wife. And I'm alone. In a cave. Training.
Ron Swanson: Anyone else want to chime in?
Andy: I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my friend!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ken Hotate is the leader of the Wamapoke people, and we are trying to get them involved in our Pawnee Commons project. Ken and I get along great. But historically, Pawnee's relationship with the Wamapoke has been more... Murder-y.

Ann: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Best Man and Bachelor boy.
Chris: Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party?
Ann: Uh, more than ready. We've got dancing, Jell-o shots, private karaoke, and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.
Leslie Knope: Ohhh!
Ann: What?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: As Leslie's maid of honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well. Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises.

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm not a big bachelor party kind of guy, so when the guys asked me what my perfect night would be, I told them the truth: beer and board games. They thought I was kidding. I was not kidding.

Tom: No! I'm sorry. On principle, I cannot stand idly by and watch a bachelor party peter out like this. Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad.
Ben: Correct.
Tom: Then let's go get a drink at Essence. It's the hot new bar in Eagleton. Things Magazine said it's the next big thing.
Chris: But, Tom, this is Ben's night.
Ben: Oh, believe me, if the group's happy, I'm happy.
Jerry: I'd go.
Andy: If you guys spot me. It sounds expensive.
Tom: Just so you know, it's not your typical bar. They specialize in molecular mixology. It's kind of like an experimental new way to consume alcohol.
Ron Swanson: Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol.