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‘Two Parties’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Two Parties

510. Two Parties

Aired January 17, 2013

Ann throws a bachelorette party for Leslie which gets sidetracked by Councilman Jamm's attempt to build a fast food restaurant on Lot 48. Meanwhile, Chris hosts a bachelor party for Ben, which turns into individual parties for Tom, Jerry, Ron and Andy, giving them the bachelor parties they never had.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: What are you losers doing for your bachelor party?
Chris: I told Ben he could do whatever he wants. Sky is the limit. We have Haverford, Swanson, Dwyer, Jerry forced his way in there somehow, things are bound to get crazy.
[cut to:]
Chris: The game is Settlers of Catan. The object is be the first to build a civilization on this fictional island.
Tom: I can't believe this is what you want to do for your bachelor party.
Ben: Look, guys, we don't have to play this game if you don't want to. I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ken Hotate is the leader of the Wamapoke people, and we are trying to get them involved in our Pawnee Commons project. Ken and I get along great. But historically, Pawnee's relationship with the Wamapoke has been more... Murder-y.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Best Man and Bachelor boy.
Chris: Ann Perkins, Maid of Honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party?
Ann: Uh, more than ready. We've got dancing, Jell-o shots, private karaoke, and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.
Leslie Knope: Ohhh!
Ann: What?
[aside to camera:]
Ann: As Leslie's maid of honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well. Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm not a big bachelor party kind of guy, so when the guys asked me what my perfect night would be, I told them the truth: beer and board games. They thought I was kidding. I was not kidding.

Quote from April

April: Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?
Ann: No.
April: Then I might have to leave early.

Quote from Tom

Tom: No! I'm sorry. On principle, I cannot stand idly by and watch a bachelor party peter out like this. Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad.
Ben: Correct.
Tom: Then let's go get a drink at Essence. It's the hot new bar in Eagleton. Things Magazine said it's the next big thing.
Chris: But, Tom, this is Ben's night.
Ben: Oh, believe me, if the group's happy, I'm happy.
Jerry: I'd go.
Andy: If you guys spot me. It sounds expensive.
Tom: Just so you know, it's not your typical bar. They specialize in molecular mixology. It's kind of like an experimental new way to consume alcohol.
Ron Swanson: Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Bartender: Here's your Bud light.
Andy: I ordered a beer.
Bartender: That is a beer. And here's your Nimbus Martini. May I go ahead and chisel your aromasphere?
Tom: Please!
Ron Swanson: This is the wrong way to consume alcohol.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Whoa, that's a pretty stiff cloud.
Bartender: Who ordered the Scotch?
Ron Swanson: Right here.
Bartender: Hold out your hands, please.
Ron Swanson: What's happening?
Tom: Oh, this is a sort of play on Scotch. It's a whiskey-infused lotion.
Ron Swanson: Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: You are sad drinking right now, and I need you to be happy drinking. Like when we watch Grease together. I know, Ann, but everything's gonna disappear. April's mini-dog park, the Li'l Sebastian fountain, even the Wamapoke playground. Yet another piece of Wamapoke land plowed over by the white man.
Ann: Just try to forget about it. I mean, there's nothing you can do to stop them tonight.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: For almost 200 years, Pawnee repeatedly built factories, restaurants, and other stuff on land held sacred by the Wamapoke people. So we passed a law saying that if any sacred Wamapoke artifact is found on a development site, all construction must immediately stop. It would be terrible if that were to happen on this future Paunch Burger site. [chuckles wickedly] Oh, this is bad. I should not have done this.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Tammy One forbade me from any kind of celebration, and Tammy Two thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse.

Quote from Tom

Chris: New idea! Tonight, everyone gets the bachelor party they never had. One activity per bachelor. Welcome to Tom's bachelor party, held in a white airplane hangar from the ice planet Hoth, replete with dangling, beautiful aerialists. To Tom Haverford.
Ben: To Tom Haverford! [all cheer]
Tom: Hey, hey, and to my bride, Rihanna. We truly did find love in a hopeless place. Waiter, a round of light-flash shots for me and my friends!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I met Gayle right here at Sherm's. She was slender. Blonde hair, big breasts, long legs. Ugh, not my type at all.
Ben: And what was it, exactly, that led to you two hitting it off? Was she ill, or did your father witness her father committing a crime? Or was she temporarily blind-
Chris: You know what? All that matters is that you got married, and you're happy. So as all-time best man, I suggest we raise a cone to Jerry Gergich.
All: Jerry Gergich.
Jerry: Thank you. [drops cone] Aw, jeez.
Sherm: No worries, Garry.
Jerry: Oh, thanks, Sherm. [chuckling]
Ben: How did you have that ready so fast?
Sherm: I always make a backup cone. He drops it about half the time.

Quote from Ben

Chris: Hey, guys, I had these T-shirts made. They're not exactly a summary of the party we ended up having. But they're a good memento.
Ron Swanson: Madness indeed.
Ben: I love this! Usually you can only get board game t-shirts in XXL.

Quote from Andy

Chris: Hey, guys. What are you doing here?
Ben: Congratulations. You have won the award for Best Man.
Tom: Full disclosure: I voted for Ryan Gosling, but you came in a close second.
Ben: Now, you've never been married, so you didn't get your own bachelor party. But let's look ahead.
Tom: The year is 2018. America is thriving under president Nick Cannon, and tomorrow, Chris Traeger's getting married.
Ron Swanson: Who's the lucky lady? Maybe she's an upbeat gal who's nuts about fitness.
Jerry: Maybe she owns a juice bar in Snerling.
Andy: Maybe it's April. Maybe I die. Skydiving explosion. Pbbbt. And then you go marry April. And it makes me sad, but if she's gonna be with somebody, I'd like it to be you.
Chris: Strange, but sweet.
Andy: Only I didn't really die. I was faking it. And I come back. I spy on you from my red Corvette. And I'm planning to kick your ass, but I see how happy you make her, and I have to walk away. I have to. And I do, slowly. In a rainstorm.
Ben: Okay, this isn't really in the spirit of what we're trying to do.
Andy: But as time goes by, it eats away at me. You're out living it up with my wife. And I'm alone. In a cave. Training.
Ron Swanson: Anyone else want to chime in?
Andy: I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my friend!

Quote from Chris

Ben: Hey, Chris.
Chris: Ben Wyatt. And Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
Ben: Hey, Shauna's doing a story on our group bachelor party. She said she wanted to write stories about good people doing nice things for each other. So I figured you two might have a lot to talk about.
Chris: You may be right about that.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Do you have a second right now?
Chris: I have thousands of seconds. Would you like to have lunch? Are you a vegetarian? A vegan? A pescatarian? Not that it matters.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Um, I like burgers.
Chris: Perfect.


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