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‘Boys' Club’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Boys' Club

104. Boys' Club

Aired April 30, 2009

Leslie ends up before an ethics commitee after trying to infiltrate the city council's boys' club to be near Mark.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Good morning. Last night, in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club, I violated the government employee ethics code of the state of Indiana. I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed. I realize I have let down every female public official in America, and I would like to apologize to them, right now, individually, and in alphabetical order. Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy. Melissa Bean.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Politics is full of boys' clubs, formal and informal. Behind me are all the members of the city council over the past 30 years. And every day, as a woman, I have to walk past this wall of men. It can be very upsetting. Especially because of that guy. No matter what direction I move, he's always staring at my chest. Hmm. See?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, what are you guys talking about? What's the topic du jour?
[Leslie leans on the table, tipping it over and sending glass bottles falling to the floor]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Did you hear that? That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered. The boys' club is more about socializing than work, you know? I mean, you gotta loosen up. I kind of feel like I'm already in the boys' club. I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me.

Quote from Donna

Donna: So, can I have the basket?
Leslie Knope: No, I'm sorry. It's evidence.
Donna: It's a nice basket.
Jerry: What would you put in there?
Donna: I don't know. Potpourri?
Tom: That's a lot of potpourri.
Donna: Hey, I am not the one on trial here.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Good afternoon. Since we last spoke, I have taken extraordinary steps to make further amends for the mistakes that I have made. I have written a full confession, which I will be e-mailing to everyone in the entire Pawnee government. I've also attached a link to the pit's web page, just to remind people of all the good work that I do. I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me, and he refused. And that is why I had to whistle-blow myself.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [groans] We've been over this. What more could you guys possibly want her to do?
Phil: Well, we don't know yet. Frankly we've got a lot more questions.
Leslie Knope: Ron, it's okay.
Ron Swanson: No, it's not. This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt.
Phil: We weren't planning on doing either of those things.
Ron Swanson: This is America. You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. I don't want to. I want to live in America. Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, to the point that it's annoying. If you want to slap her on the wrist, go ahead. If you want to do anything more serious, you're gonna have to go through me. Let's go.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: So, after all that, it's really not that bad. You're gonna get a letter in your file.
Leslie Knope: Ron, I just wanted to say thank you, so...
Ron Swanson: Don't worry about it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I didn't do it for Leslie. I did it because I hate bureaucracy. My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: [to camera] So, we've been called out to this hiking trail because there's some reports that some teenagers are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash and having dog poop fights.
Leslie Knope: [to camera] I don't believe it. [to Tom] Oh, my God. It's real.
Tom: Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving.
Leslie Knope: Hey! Hey! Hello? Boys! I am Leslie Knope. I work for the Department of Parks and Recreation. Okay, all right. Cool it! Okay.
Boy: Get her shoes!
Leslie Knope: No! That's disgusting! What are you doing? Help! Help! Help! Tom! Tom! No! Smells so bad! Why would you think this was fun? Really? Oh, really? Really? Oh, hey! Hey! You like it? Boom! Okay, here we go. Who wants it? Whoo, missed it! Yeah! Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun.
Boy: Get her hair!
Leslie Knope: Oh.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: No, no, no, no, no! You know as well as I do that we are not allowed to accept gifts over $25, for corruption reasons. We live in a fish bowl and the public is always watching. That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.
Donna: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. So to avoid temptation, I'm going to lock it up.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given in to that temptation? No, never. I'm not that kind of politician.
[flashback:]
Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. Sorry about that, little girl, you can have the next one.
[back:]
Tom: I have a moral code, and I never violate it. People look at me and they say, "Wow, Tom. You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard that just stands for justice and truth and the American way."

Quote from Ann

Ann: Hey, look, the pit already has six friends.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah. Mark. Mark's a friend.
Tom: Well, you guys gotta see Mark's profile. Look at the photos of these ladies on his page.
Ann: Wow.
Leslie Knope: Ew.
April: Sick.
Leslie Knope: Maybe those are his relatives.
Ann: Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: There it is. Let's clear the air. Last night, I opened up this gift basket, for my own pleasure.
Tom: Really. Leslie Knope. Usually such a prudish stickler for the rules.
Leslie Knope: I'm not happy about it either, Tom.
Tom: It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Jerry: Last year you wrote me up for making personal phone calls to my mom.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I did. And I would do it again. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Jerry: Yes, but she was in the hospital.
Leslie Knope: I did not know that at the time.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: It happened right out there, right outside this window. Why can't I look away?
Ron Swanson: Let's not blow this out of proportion.
Leslie Knope: I will blow this in proportion! The minimum punishment for this is an official reprimand from the city manager.
Ron Swanson: It's not that big a deal.
Leslie Knope: Maybe in your world it isn't a big deal. You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache. But I am a woman and I need to hold myself up to a higher standard.
Ron Swanson: This is ridiculous. You're punishing yourself more than anybody else is gonna punish you.
Leslie Knope: No. What do you suggest we do? You think we should cover this up?
Ron Swanson: No, I'm not saying that. No one said cover-up.
Leslie Knope: Good, because the cover-up is worse than the crime. When you spill something and you try to wipe it up with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty.
Ron Swanson: Please don't make this worse.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Do you want me to run some test questions with you? Maybe give you an idea of what the disciplinary committee will be like?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, thanks, Tom.
Tom: Okay. So, Miss Knope, you're accused of stealing wine. How many drinks do you have per week, on average?
Leslie Knope: Zero. Zero to six.
Tom: I'm gonna write down 10.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Tom: Do you ever cheat on your taxes?
Leslie Knope: No, no, no. Never.
Tom: Good. You're doing great.

Quote from Tom

Tom: How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?
Leslie Knope: Are they gonna ask that?
Tom: This is a deposition-style hearing, Miss Knope. Nothing is off-limits. You have to answer. Now, how many sexual partners have you had in the last year?
Leslie Knope: Zero to six.
Tom: Zero. Have you ever thought about Ron sexually?
Leslie Knope: What?
Tom: Including dreams. Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson?
Leslie Knope: No! Absolutely not. No.
Tom: Yes.
Leslie Knope: No.
Tom: Now, in this recurring dream that you have about Ron, is he like a regular Ron, or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur?
Leslie Knope: What? No...
Tom: Is he wearing a football uniform? Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? Is he covered in Powerade?
Leslie Knope: No, okay. Time-out. Time-out.
Tom: This committee doesn't take time-outs, Miss Knope. Now answer the question!
Leslie Knope: I need something to drink.
Tom: How about some stolen wine?
Leslie Knope: No. I meant water.
Tom: Thank you for your time, Miss Knope. You're fired. So, that's kind of your worst-case scenario, you know? If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mark: You look like you need one of these. Come on. You're over 21.
Leslie Knope: You're not supposed to be drinking on government property.
Mark: Loosen up. You're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to follow every single rule in government.
Leslie Knope: Mark, I have a letter in my file.
Mark: I got seven letters in my file. Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters. So, welcome to the team. [toast]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. [to the male pictures on the wall] I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.


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