Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Good morning. Last night, in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club, I violated the government employee ethics code of the state of Indiana. I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed. I realize I have let down every female public official in America, and I would like to apologize to them, right now, individually, and in alphabetical order. Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy. Melissa Bean.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Politics is full of boys' clubs, formal and informal. Behind me are all the members of the city council over the past 30 years. And every day, as a woman, I have to walk past this wall of men. It can be very upsetting. Especially because of that guy. No matter what direction I move, he's always staring at my chest. Hmm. See?

Ron Swanson: So, after all that, it's really not that bad. You're gonna get a letter in your file.
Leslie Knope: Ron, I just wanted to say thank you, so...
Ron Swanson: Don't worry about it.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No, I didn't do it for Leslie. I did it because I hate bureaucracy. My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.

Leslie Knope: So, what are you guys talking about? What's the topic du jour?
[Leslie leans on the table, tipping it over and sending glass bottles falling to the floor]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Did you hear that? That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered. The boys' club is more about socializing than work, you know? I mean, you gotta loosen up. I kind of feel like I'm already in the boys' club. I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me.

Donna: So, can I have the basket?
Leslie Knope: No, I'm sorry. It's evidence.
Donna: It's a nice basket.
Jerry: What would you put in there?
Donna: I don't know. Potpourri?
Tom: That's a lot of potpourri.
Donna: Hey, I am not the one on trial here.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Good afternoon. Since we last spoke, I have taken extraordinary steps to make further amends for the mistakes that I have made. I have written a full confession, which I will be e-mailing to everyone in the entire Pawnee government. I've also attached a link to the pit's web page, just to remind people of all the good work that I do. I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me, and he refused. And that is why I had to whistle-blow myself.

Ron Swanson: [groans] We've been over this. What more could you guys possibly want her to do?
Phil: Well, we don't know yet. Frankly we've got a lot more questions.
Leslie Knope: Ron, it's okay.
Ron Swanson: No, it's not. This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt.
Phil: We weren't planning on doing either of those things.
Ron Swanson: This is America. You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. I don't want to. I want to live in America. Leslie has never broken a rule in her life, to the point that it's annoying. If you want to slap her on the wrist, go ahead. If you want to do anything more serious, you're gonna have to go through me. Let's go.

Ann: Hey, look, the pit already has six friends.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah. Mark. Mark's a friend.
Tom: Well, you guys gotta see Mark's profile. Look at the photos of these ladies on his page.
Ann: Wow.
Leslie Knope: Ew.
April: Sick.
Leslie Knope: Maybe those are his relatives.
Ann: Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

Tom: [to camera] So, we've been called out to this hiking trail because there's some reports that some teenagers are digging bags of dog poop out of the trash and having dog poop fights.
Leslie Knope: [to camera] I don't believe it. [to Tom] Oh, my God. It's real.
Tom: Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving.
Leslie Knope: Hey! Hey! Hello? Boys! I am Leslie Knope. I work for the Department of Parks and Recreation. Okay, all right. Cool it! Okay.
Boy: Get her shoes!
Leslie Knope: No! That's disgusting! What are you doing? Help! Help! Help! Tom! Tom! No! Smells so bad! Why would you think this was fun? Really? Oh, really? Really? Oh, hey! Hey! You like it? Boom! Okay, here we go. Who wants it? Whoo, missed it! Yeah! Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun.
Boy: Get her hair!
Leslie Knope: Oh.

Leslie Knope: No, no, no, no, no! You know as well as I do that we are not allowed to accept gifts over $25, for corruption reasons. We live in a fish bowl and the public is always watching. That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.
Donna: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. So to avoid temptation, I'm going to lock it up.